A Hot Donut is One of Life's Wonders

As funny as that sounds, and that is the whole point, we all know it is true! We've all had those days where a donut just sounds perfect, a hot donut, right off the line, bathed in icing! I know my wife and I have had many nights were we have made the midnight trip to Krispy Kreme, shameful, but awesome! I wanted to make you smile, to make you laugh, and I hope I succeeded!

I want to talk about laughter, and how laughter can bring a whole new perspective on life. During hard times, times like the one I am living right now, we sometimes forget to laugh. We are so preoccupied, thinking of the past, dealing with the present and worrying about the future, that we forget that life, and love, go on, and laughter is a big part of both. I have always been a person with a lively personality, so I've been told, laughing, joking. My wife and I always laughed together, joked together, had our inside jokes, things only we knew about, things that made us laugh. I guess when I think back to that, it makes it harder for me to understand what happened, why. That never stopped, we laughed all the time, until the end; well for now at least. We have always been a lively couple, at least I think so. I have so many memories, things I could write here, tell you about, things that made us laugh so hard; and still do. But there is no point in that, it would make no sense to you! I've always liked to think that a day without laughter is a day wasted, and I try to laugh, and make someone laugh, every day. I know sometimes I can be uptight, but life demands that from us as well, and just like with everything else in life, we need to find the right balance. Laughter is one of the greatest gifts of life, a gift from God, it keeps us joyous, gives us life. I'd like to think that through humor, you can soften some of the hardest blows life throws at you; and once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can get through it.

So why do we forget to laugh? Why are we so concerned with the problems, that pain, that we fail to see the bright side of life? I really don't know, but my best guess is simply that we are human, we feel, we hurt, we cry and we deal with pain in weird ways. Everyone handles tough situations differently, and I'd like to think that I have handled myself pretty well so far. I'm not going to lie, I've had terrible days, days where I cry, because I miss her so much, because I don't know what is to come. But I'd like to think that so far I have done things correctly. As you might have read already, I've had to ask my wife to do things that pained me a whole lot, but I thought they were necessary; no one wants to ever ask their wives for their wedding ring back, trust me. But one thing remains clear, that after all those things, asking her to take her clothes, for her ring back, etc..., I have always made it known that my love for her hasn't changed, yet, and I hope she thinks about that, remembers that. Does that make me naive? Who knows, I guess we'll see! But day after day, I continue to realize that life is not as bad as we make it out to be. Yes, it sucks at times, but we must keep going. And what better way to lift our spirits than with laughter. Let ourselves laugh, lighten up. Sounds easy to say, but trust me, it is horribly tough to do. I try to laugh, I really do, but there are times I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know if there is something inside me that just doesn't want to, or is my brain that preoccupied with pain and hurt, that it just doesn't know how to laugh anymore? Who knows and only time will help me heal, truly, inside. But in the meantime, can laughter help lessen my pain, make me feel better?

Not long ago I read that holding on to anger, resentment and hurt, only gives you tense muscles and a headache, makes the pain worse. Forgiveness, however, gives you back laughter and the lightness in your life. I wrote a few days ago that forgiveness is one of the greatest feelings we can have, it makes us stronger, better people; I still stand by that. There is really no reason to stay angry, nothing is gained from it. Anger only hurts us, no one else; spite does the same thing. I'll always believed that hope will always win over experience, that love is stronger than pain and that laughter is the only cure for grief. I am really trying to follow this, but it is so hard. It is so hard to write this tonight, as I sit here with a smile on my face, and then have to go to bed alone, not knowing if my wife is OK. But that is reality and I need to learn to make the best of it. Until I get an answer, I need to learn to deal with the pain and the reality of things. Laughter will help me and laughter, tonight, is what inspired me to write this; again, with a smile on my face! There are always things in life that make us smile, people, TV, nature, etc... and we need to appreciate them for what they do for us. Laughter is not something we share with a lot of people or a lot of things, it is a special bond we find with someone we love, our families, our favorite TV show, our pets. Laughter keeps us alive, it keeps us young and most of all it keeps us sane. I still love life in spite of all that stains it, all the evilness, all the hurt it has caused me; I love friendship, jokes and most of all, laughter.

Rito, I Miss You & I Wish You Could Be Here

All day I've been thinking about family, about what I wrote this morning. I've been thinking about who it would be that I would put on that list, that list I asked you to think about. And I struggled, to be honest; it is not easy to choose those people that you would want to spend your last day with. But I thought and I thought and some choices were obvious, some surprised me. But then I thought about those friends, those friends back home who I have known all my life. And I started to think about my best friend back home. It is funny because we had known each other for a long time, but we really didn't become friends until later in life... We become incredible friends so quickly, we shared a lot and we always hanged out together; him and I, my brother and his brother, Rito. We virtually stayed at their house every weekend, did so much together, all become like brothers.

But then, one day it all changed. My brother had already left home to come to the US to go to college and I was still there, in high school. I would still hang out with them, all the time. In the summer of 2000, I was hanging out at the beach, south of Lima, with some other friends, when one of my friend's mom came rushing to the beach to tell me my mom was trying to reach me, it was urgent, something had happened. I rushed back to call her, and then I got the news. I remember exactly what I was wearing, where I was sitting, when she told me. I don't know what I thought, I don't know what went through my head, I don't think anything did, maybe denial. But immediately I got my things together and grabbed a cab back, the viewing was that evening. It is amazing how your world will change so quickly. I was supposed to go see them that night, that was the plan. The early morning of that night, him, and two more friends had been hit by a car, while on their 4-wheeler; he was the only one who didn't make it. As I sat there in the cab, going back, it seemed like that trip took forever.

When I got to the church, where the viewing was, I was just numb, I don't know what was going through my head. I had never lost someone while being old enough to realize it. It was just, I don't know how to put it. It is a feeling of, this could not possibly be happening. I really have no memories of that night. I only remember talking to my brother on the phone, him being destroyed, that was his best friend; and he couldn't be there. The funeral was probably worse. You are so young and you have to show up to bury your friend, a great friend, someone your own age; it is just not fair. You should never have to carry a casket of someone your age, but you do and it changes you. I don't think about this every day, but when I do, it destroys me; ask my wife, she has been there for those times. It is one of those things, I think, that you try to bury in your mind, you just don't want to accept. I said a few days ago, no parent should ever have to bury their child, ever. And I really don't know what that feeling is, it is something only very few people know, and I don't envy them. But I sat there, for many nights, with his brother, my best friend, and his mom, as she cried and cried and cried. I don't know what was going through my head then, but when I think back to that time, it breaks my heart. Why should a parent have to go through that, ever? That is just not fair. But life is not fair, and I think I can tell you that.

Life is never fair, and it seems that it is good people who always have to suffer. Why? I have no clue, but that is God's will. He always seems to want to take the greatest people with him; makes sense if you think about it. A friend is always going to be there, even when you haven't talked to them in a while. Once you know you have a friend, and I now know who those are, it doesn't matter if you haven't talked in months, they will be there, regardless. Think about how many of those friends you really have. I bet you it is not many. I don't keep in touch a lot with my friends back home, and I know I should, maybe it is lazyness, I don't know, maybe it is just me. But I know there are people there who will be there if I need them, no matter what. Rito would have been one of those, he would have been there for me, and his brother is there for me, I know that. But it is times like this, when we remember all those people we lost, all those people who meant so much to us, and are no longer with us. He was a great friend, his brother is someone I still consider my best friend. He left us too soon, way to soon. I never got a chance to tell him goodbye, and I know a lot of people didn't get that chance. But we have to continue to talk to them, keep them in our lives, know that they are still there, even though they are not.

Life is not fair, I think we all know that, but we have, every day, the chance to make decisions to make our lives better, to make them more fulfilling, to keep those people in our lives, who might no longer be with us; I know my Grandfather, and Rito, are with me. I know that I can talk to them, and I know I should do it more often. I know today they sit up in heaven, looking down on us, protecting all the ones they love, giving us strength, and most of all, smiling at us and telling us to enjoy life. They didn't get a chance to go out on their own terms, live their full lives, but they are now helping us, all of us.Think of those people in your lives, those who left you too soon, and bring them back. Just because they are no longer standing on earth, with us, doesn't mean they have left us.

A Happy Family is But an Earlier Heaven

I know my last post was sad, depressing, maybe even suicidal, as some would say! But that was not the point. I wanted to vent, I wanted to ask why, ask why to the world, why did this have to happen to me. But there is nothing I can do about that, nothing at all. God decides what happens to us, and like I said, if we are going to ask why me in times of sadness, during hard times, then why don't we do it in happy times? Do we simply think we deserve everything good in life? Either way, what happens will happen, and at this point, it is all out of my control.

Moving on, let's talk about family. What does family really mean? Is it only our relatives, our blood relatives? Is our family predetermined by something, or someone, we have no control over? I would disagree with that. A family is nothing more than a group of people who love each other, who are there for each other, regardless, a group of people who consider each other family. You can find family anywhere. Yes, of course, your mom's brother is part of your family, and there is nothing you can do about that! But family goes much further than that. You can consider family anyone you'd like, anyone you think deserves to be called your family; anyone who you would do anything for. There are a lot of people, not blood relatives, who I consider family. These are people who I know would do anything for me, be there for me. I have known people, for a lifetime and for a short time, people who I consider more-so family, than some in my actual family! Weird, but true. Why should we restrict the word family to only those people who we have no control over, only those people related to us? Why should someone, or something, say who is and who is not our family? We form our own families, we choose who we call family, and no one, I mean no one, can tell us who to call family. On a side note, by the way, how great is Whole Foods! I mean, they have free chips and guacamole and sushi during lunch; I just drive around with an empty cart and keep taking free samples! Ok, back to seriousness... I think sometimes newlyweds believe that until they have kids they don't really have a family, but I have learned that all you need to start a new family is a husband and a wife, that is your family. So, if you quit on marriage, aren't you also quitting on your family? Wouldn't that make sense? I guess so, and I would also say that quitting on that family is just as bad as quitting on your mom, your dad, your brothers, that original family; if not even worse. This is a family you chose, not inherited. When we marry someone, we make a commitment, we make a union with someone else to be there, to take a bullet for them, to fight, to smile; just like you would and had, all your life, for your mom, your dad, your brothers. People always say, your family will always be there, no matter what. Why do we not think the same way about our husbands or our wives? What is different? Do we feel as if we are "stuck" with our mom and dad and so on? As if regardless of what we do, they are still going to be there, we can't get rid of them. If more people took the same approach to their newly formed families, their husbands, their wives, as if they have to be there for them, always, not matter what, then maybe more families would stay together, more families would choose to fight and don't give up.

We have such an instant gratification approach to life today, including marriage, that we feel we can just get rid of things if we don't like them and move on. Why do we feel like the effort is not necessary? Is it not worth it? I don't have all the answers, don't get me wrong, but I do know one thing; I know now, this experience has shown me, that I am a fighter, I will fight for what I believe is right, for what I committed to in my mind; and that to me is family. We need to face the fact that, after forming a family, we have that family to support, and we're not always going to be doing exactly what we want, we sacrifice for that union, for that person. To me, my family comes first, maybe that is what makes me different from other people, other men. Without a family, do we really have anything? And again, remember what I mean by family! I guess a family is that group of people, relatives and friends, who, if you could spend one more day on earth, only one more, you would spend it with them. Can you think of those people? Think about it, all those people you thought you liked, you loved to "hang out" with, would they make that list? Be honest with yourself! Or would it be full of those people who always are and have been there for you, but maybe you haven't seen lately, maybe are upset at them. Think about who you would put on that list, I can promise you it won't be a long list.

A family, that group of people, is a place where principles rule, where these principles are reinforced, refined, where character is built and sustained. No one has a normal family, we all have our issues, we all fight, we all cry, but at the end of the day, we still love each other, deep inside; those are the people that matter. Families are built in good times but tested, strengthened and unified during hard times. I think we all need to realize that family is not an important thing, it is everything! Without family, and friends, we would have nothing and no one, we would be all alone. Learn to realize who your real family is, think about those people, call them and tell them, I love you, I'm thinking about you. Remember that it is those people, those you call family, those you call friends, that will be there when you are in need, when you need them, not only when they need you. My life, so far, comes down to a few moments, moments that define who I am today; the death of my grandfather, the strength I learned from my mom and my brother, the day I married my wife and the realization that there are people out there who really care about me; all my family - everything else just doesn't seem to add up to very much...

I Keep Asking, Why? Why Me?

The last couple of days have been a real struggle for me. Monday was our anniversary, we went out and nothing good happened. Yesterday I just couldn't stop thinking about Monday and it kept eating me up inside. All I feel inside is that every time I see her, all I do is drive her further away; I ask how she is doing, I ask if I can help, I ask where we stand, I just want to know what is going on. I guess I want to know why. Why did this happen and how did it happen? I just don't know and it kills me, slowly. The uncertainty of not knowing what is going to happen with your own marriage is a feeling that just eats your soul and breaks your heart, little by little, every day. When you ask your wife, do you want to be in this marriage, do you want to make this work, and she answers, I don't know, I don't know, you just die inside a little more. I know that time will come when I will know, I will know what happened and why it happened, but this is one of those situations where I simply don't want to wait; I don't think I should. I know I have to give her "space" and time, but is that fair to me? Am I being selfish by continuing to ask the same thing over and over, wanting answers? I really don't think so. I think that after all this time together, that is the least I deserve. And I mean that literally; I think I have earned the right, any husband has, to know what the hell is going on in his wife's head. All I want to know is why? Is it possible for someone to all of the sudden wake up one morning and decide they want out, fall out of love? Doubt it.

How long has this been building in her head and why did she not talk to me? Why did she not share her feelings with me when this started, so we could work on this, together, like a married couple? What the hell happened! I wish I knew, but I have no clue, not only of what happened, but of what is happening. I know time will tell and I need to move on, for now, get on with my life. But it is humanly impossible to move on, this soon, when you just don't know what lays ahead; when you don't know what your wife will tell you one day; it might be "I love you, I'm coming back", or it might be "Goodbye". Either way I know I need to be prepared for the worse. But how do I do that; can someone please tell me? Someone told me that time is your best friend, and I completely agree, but it takes time, for time to heal you. And I haven't had time, not nearly enough so far. I am still holding on, and I still have faith, blind faith. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel numb inside, I don't feel good at all. I want to disappear for some time and wake up when there is something to talk about. I want to know what it is I will have to do, to move on with my life.

I know that my wife is going through something very tough as well, inside her, this feeling of doubt. But what she doesn't understand is that the choice is hers, she will chose whatever it is she feels is better for her, only for her; either way she'll be fine, either way she will chose for her. But me, what about me? I am left at the mercy of what my wife wants. I am left to wait, and wait and wait, and one day get hit by a train, a train of news, per say; news that might be good or might be bad. But news that will definitely change the rest of my life. I never thought that at 29 years old, I would be facing this, I would be facing a life changing situation like this. Is that really fair to me? What did I do to deserve this? I don't know and I don't think I did anything to be honest, but God does strange things. He throws challenges at us, he does things, things we don't understand, things we hate at the moment, but eventually they work themselves out. It is so hard to understand this, it really is. Even when you do understand that God knows what he is doing, you just can't accept it.

I keep asking why me, why me. But then I think, if I ask why me when something bad has happened, shouldn't I also ask why me when something good happens? Isn't that fair? God has a plan for me, I know that. And I know that whatever her decision is, my life will change forever. If she decides to come back, I know this marriage will be a struggle, a tough journey ahead, we are going to have to put in a lot of work and it might get worse before it gets better, but we can come out stronger. If she decides to leave, for good, then I will have to get my shit together and truly, literally move on, find someone else, eventually, who really wants to be with me. I don't think about that, yet, but it does scare me to death. The time will come for everything to work itself out; I honestly hope it is soon. In the meantime, I continue to ask why, I continue to think about her, about us, and I continue to ask God for guidance, patience and wisdom. I might not like the answer to my own question, when the time comes, but I need to know there is a plan for me out there. Now, all I can do is wait...

The Heart, One of The Greatest Evils of All...

I know this might sound negative, but I don't mean it in that context. What I'm trying to get to is, why do we follow our hearts, when we know we will get hurt? Why do we consciously ignore that little voice of reason in our heads? Why do we put ourselves in situations where we know, for a fact, we can't win? I don't have the answers to these questions, for if I did, I wouldn't feel like I do today.

As you know, yesterday was our anniversary. My wife asked me to go out with her, to go eat dinner with her; she said Happy Anniversary. My head told me, be smart, don't do it, you are only going to get hurt again, nothing will come out of this. But my heart, of course, said go, you need to be there, she is your wife and you love her. Maybe I thought I could get some answers to all my questions, maybe I thought it was a positive thing, that she had come around. But after the night was over, I only felt worse, I felt like all the progress I had made, in moving on, and carrying on with my life, had gone away. It is a feeling of why did I go, when I knew nothing good would come from it. We can't take back what's already done, we can only learn from it and try to not make the same mistake again. We learn from our mistakes, as we should, but sometimes it really sucks. It is funny because I have always said that I would much rather learn from other people's mistakes than to make my own. And I had the chance to do so last night, I did. Someone told me, be careful, make sure there is a reason for going, don't put yourself through this. And that was in the back of my mind, all day. But still, I followed my heart. Can we be to blame for following our hearts? We have always been told, follow your heart, that is really what you want. But is it really? How can the heart lead us to pain? Why does it? The heart is supposed to have our best interest in mind, right? I don't know and maybe most of the times it does, but sometimes it consciously leads us to pain and suffering.

The heart is a great thing, it gives us those incredible feelings we have for those who love, but it can also be the greatest evil of all. We need to know what our feelings mean, we need to learn to rationalize those feelings, make sure we are not hurting ourselves, on purpose. Maybe we are just hopeless romantics, who think that what the heart says is always the best. But I think we all have been in situations where our hearts have let us down, and badly. It doesn't mean I will never follow my heart again, because I know I will, soon, and it scares me to death. I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to feel pain in my life anymore. But I need to understand that when being in a situation like this, I'm going to loose more often than not. I won't stop following my heart, I know that, but I will be more cautious next time. We need to keep in mind that regardless of what happens, it can't kill our spirits, our souls. As Pink said, "Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned, but just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die, you've gotta get up and try try try". We need to keep pushing forward, I need to keep pushing forward. I know it is going to be painful, very painful at times; that is just reality.

But has the time come for me to start letting go?. As much as I don't want to, as much as I want to hold on to her, I need to face reality. I know I have said before that I have already accepted reality, but this is different. I need to let my wife go, try to forget and only time will do that. It is incredibly hard to do, I truly don't want to do it, and to be honest I don't think I can, not right now; but is it for the best, in the long run? I don't really know, but I do know one thing, I can't continue to get hurt. I don't know what my wife is going through, and I mean that literally, I really don't know; she doesn't even know; strange. But I know that time will come, if I don't hear otherwise, when I will wake up one morning and say, that's it, no more, no longer am I putting myself through this; no longer will I allow someone to do this to my heart. The heart is a strong muscle, literally, but weak emotionally. It takes a lifetime to learn to love, but a second to break a heart. It is unfair, very unfair, but we learn to deal with heartbreak.

We need to learn to let go in life, and time is our best friend. I hope I never have to deal with that, I know I am still holding on to hope, deep inside, maybe false hope, but that is who I am. My heart has caused me a lot of pain, my heart has deceived me at times and led to hurt, a lot of it. I now know I need to listen to that little voice inside of me, that voice of reason. It is time to protect myself, time to think about me. As hard as it will be, I know it is for the best, but I have to be ready. Be careful when you follow you heart, be wise, be very careful; the heart can be one of the greatest evils of all - I hope you never have to find out...

Side by Side, Year After Year

Today is our wedding anniversary; our first year of marriage, our first ever wedding anniversary. But is it a Happy Anniversary? I hate to say it, but no. I always envisioned this day as the most important day of the year; a day to celebrate what we had gone through together, the fights, the good times, the struggles, the laughs; a day to celebrate our lives together. I once read that a wedding anniversary is a celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity, and that the order of those change every year. Marriage is a difficult thing; we have to come to grip with the fact that we have made the decision to be with someone for the rest of our lives. That is a long time! We all come to that realization at some point, some of us sooner than others. But it is how we deal with that realization that will define the future of our marriage. Every day in a marriage is a struggle, in one way or another. There are good days and there are bad days. We laugh, we cry, we fight and we love, but most importantly we do all these things together, because we chose to, because we want to.

It is hard for some people to deal with the fact that, now, this is your life and you should work hard to make the best of it. I think sometimes we have a false sense of reality, it being because of movies, reality TV, etc..., we tend to expect the world to be different. We expect the world to be like in the movies, where people are happy all the time, and if there are not, they leave, to find it somewhere else, that easy. But think about this, if you are not willing to sacrifice, to make the effort, to fight for your happiness, to fight for a commitment you made, with whoever it is that loves you and you love, then why do you think that you deserve someone else to do it for you? Happiness and love are mutual feelings, and these are feelings that develop over time. I think our naivety sometimes confuses true happiness with infatuation; that feeling where you think you are happy, but it is because your are running away from something else. It is a temporary feeling of "good", a feeling of "I am better here, I am happy". But are we really? How can we expect happiness to develop instantly? How can we expect love to develop instantly? Is there really such thing as love at first sight? Well, maybe, but remember love is much more than what we realize, much more than just butterflies in our stomachs, I mean, we are not in middle school anymore! Love is a struggle, love is sacrificing for someone else, love is knowing everything about a person, being willing to take a bullet for them, being willing to fight to the death for and with them. You just can't develop these feelings instantaneously, I'm sorry, you can't.

An anniversary is a time to celebrate the joys of today, the memories of yesterday, and the hopes for tomorrow. It is a day to remember why we did this, a day to tell each other, I will fight for you, always, no matter what; I believe in you, in us. I wish my wife was here with me on this day, so we could celebrate, so I could send flowers to her school and plan exciting things, so I could tell her how much I really do love her. I know she is thinking about me, I know that, but I miss her. I don't know why she is doing what she is doing, I don't know why she won't fight with me, for all this. I read somewhere a few days ago, "The moment you're ready to quit, is usually the moment right before a miracle happens. Don't give up". I wish she could read this, I really do, but I don't think she should. I have no plans on her reading this, at least for now, and I hope she doesn't find it. This is a way for me to tell my story, document my struggles and let people know that even in the toughest times, we must keep things in perspective, keep our heads high and keep moving forward. I keep asking myself, and especially today, why me? I really don't know the answer, but I'm sure there is a plan for me. My wife sent my mom a gift a few months back, something she thought on her own. She sent a handkerchief, with these words stitched on it, "Thank you for raising the man of my dreams". Where did that person go? Did she just wake up one day and realized all this was bad? Is she going through a quarter-life crisis? How could a woman who said those words, a woman who has been an incredible wife, all of the sudden change like this? I don't really know, but bad influences, bad people will trick our minds, will manipulate us to get what they want, take advantage of us; we need to keep a clear head, and see reality; there are bad people out there. People will tell you anything, and I mean anything, if they think they can take advantage of you.

I hope she is OK, I really do. My love for her hasn't changed, yet; but I do start to feel somewhat apathetic, numb. I don't know what that means, I don't know if that is good or bad. All I know is that on this day, one year ago, I married the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I hope she realizes that and feels the same way; marriage is a two-way street. A successful marriage requires two people to fall in love, not once, but many times and I know that is tough to accept. But we change, we evolve and we should do it together. Mark Twain said, "Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century". If I could tell my wife one thing today, I would say, "I love you, I never stopped". Life can be very sudden at times, unfair, but never stop believing in something you've lost; you might just get it back.

I Miss You Grandpa, So So Much...

My Grandfather was a great man, or so I've been told. Unfortunately, he past away when I was 3, in 1987. It is amazing however, how many memories I have with him. When we are that young, we normally have no recollection of anything. But that is not the case with me. I remember so many things, playing the Batman board game with my brother, my cousin and him, laying on his bed. Him wearing his thick eyeglasses, short sleeve shirt with the pocket, looking like a doctor does. I remember him taking us to the club to drink Fanta, just us boys. I don't really know how I remember these things, but I'd like to think that God sends us these memories for a reason, especially when he takes someone so precious so soon. I know God had a plan for him. He was one of those people that you just admired, one of those people whose goal in life was to help others, and put others before him, and that made him happy, that gave him joy. We don't see many people like that anymore; in today's world, we are so concerned with what we want, with what makes us feel better, that we forget that there are so many people out there that need our help.

We have become such a selfish society, where sharing and thinking of others are an afterthought. I miss him everyday, deep inside me, but I also know that everyday he is with me, he is sitting next to me, protecting me and making sure I become the person that he would have wanted me to be. I try to be a good person, I try to become better everyday, I really do. I try to be the best I can for all those people who love me, all those people who call me family, all those people who call me a friend, all those people who need my help. But sometimes, we focus too much on everything else that we forget about our own, about those few people who really matter, we forget about ourselves. It is so difficult to make everyone happy, and to be honest, we shouldn't try to make everyone happy, because we can't. But I think my Grandpa was one of those people. He helped so much and the amazing thing is, as I've found out later in life, that he helped people and not even his own family knew about it. Unlike in today's world, he helped others because he thought it was the right thing to do, because he wanted to; not because he would get recognition or because someone would think how good he was.

I hope one day I can be like him, I really do; I know I have a long way to go. I need to understand that God throws challenges at us to test us, to test our character, to see what we are made of; to see if we are willing to sacrifice, for ourselves and for others, and to see how much we are willing to give up, for happiness. But what is happiness? How do we define happiness? Well, that's for another day! All I know is that, if my Grandpa was here today, still with us, he would tell me, in his calm voice, that it will all be OK, that things happen for a reason and that he would always be there for me, no matter what. I know there are a lot of people who have told me that already, but it is not the same. I knew him for 3 years of my life, and he left us 25 years ago; but I feel like he has always been with me, and always will be. He is with us as well, me and wife. My wife left her wedding bouquet at his grave, so he could be part of the start of our lives together, so he could be with us. And I know he is, I know he is watching over us and he is going to take care of us, both of us, for better or for worse; that is what he does, that is who he is. Tomorrow will be a tough day, really tough, it's our anniversary; we'll see what the world brings me. All I can say is, Grandpa, I know you are up there, I know that God took you because he needs great people with him. I hate that I never got to know you better, but I know you are with me every second of the day. I love you and I miss you, so so much...