The Only Way to Achieve Freedom is to Tear Down The Wall; And Right Now I'm The Wrecking Ball

Freedom can mean many different things to different people. But I think the feeling of freedom in it of itself, that feeling of peace, is something that has to come from within us, something that sprouts from our hearts and our minds. And what I mean by that is that freedom is not something that can be given to us or should be given to us for that matter, it is not something that we are necessarily entitled to; it is something that we must take. Think of all those people who have redefined history by fighting for freedom, fighting for equality. They never waited for someone to give it to them; they sacrificed in the quest to take that, for them and for others. In the words of MLK Jr., "Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor, it must be demanded by the oppressed". 

I honestly believe we are the only ones responsible for our freedom. But freedom is much more than being able to do whatever we want, whenever we want. It is the combination of a lot of things, of a good conscience, good health, prosperous futures. To have true freedom, we must be willing to do anything for it, be willing to sacrifice for it. But keep in mind that with freedom comes responsibility, comes the frightening prospect of having to grow up, take ownership of our actions and live with the consequences; and this is something a lot of people can't do. We have all been blessed with the ability and right to make our own choices, to seek our own happiness and fight for our own freedom, however you define it. And in that journey we often times make mistakes, hit road blocks, encounter people who want to oppress our freedom. But I think freedom is just as much what we do with what has been done to us. How do we use our pasts, our memories, those we try to repress, to move forward, how do we use those as motivation for the future. 

To achieve freedom we must also be willing to give freedom. Let those close to you be free, for themselves and for you. It means letting those people tell you what they want to tell you, even when you don't want to hear it; and you doing the same for them. It is fighting with and for others, for their freedom. It is being there for a brother, for a sister, for a friend. Freedom is much more than we make it out to be. Freedom is forgiveness, cleanliness of heart and and understanding that we are simply a small piece of something a lot bigger and a lot more important than us. But like I said, we must be willing to pay the price of freedom; and sometimes this can be a high price to pay.

I have talked a lot about family and friendship. These are the people who help each other, in good and bad times. These are the people who let you have total freedom to be yourself, and feel whatever it is you want to feel. It doesn't matter to them how or what you feel at any particular moment. Real love for someone is letting that person be whatever and whoever they really are. Find your freedom, wherever that may be, but always keep in mind that freedom is never free.

Gratitude Is Not Only The Greatest of Virtues But The Parent of Others

Religion has always been a big part of my life; I try to go to church as much as I can, I pray, and I think most of all, I believe in something that I know is bigger than me. And during these past weeks, I feel like I have become more devoted if you will. I don't try to ask God to solve all my problems because, well, I think He has more important things to do, but I do ask for guidance, patience and wisdom. I ask that He shows me what this all means and how I should move forward, that He gives me patience to tolerate others, to understand others and I thank Him for all He has done for me. But I also know that it is up to me to make it all happen; it is up to me to take whatever guidance I receive and use it wisely. As a good Catholic, I normally will try to pray the Rosary, or my prayer to Saint Jude, which I got from my Grandfather, but not long ago someone gave me this prayer from the Book of Psalms, Psalm 40. It really touches on gratitude and everything we ask for when we go through something tough, when life is unfair to us you could say. Here it is...

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. 

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,

who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.

The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;

were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,

but my ears you have pierced;

burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

Then I said, "Here I am, I have come-- it is written about me in the scroll.

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;

I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;

I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.

I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;

may your love and your truth always protect me.

For troubles without number surround me;

my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.

They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.

Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;

O LORD, come quickly to help me.

May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion;

may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.

May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you;

may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!"

Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.

You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

I'm not going to try and analyze this, because who am I to try to do that. But I will tell you what I got out of it. It is amazing how after you read this a few times you really see two sides to this prayer. First off it is gratitude, a gratitude for everything that has been done for us, everything God sacrificed for us. But then it turns into a prayer for help, asking God to help us in these hard times, putting ourselves out there, as if we can't do this alone. And I agree; to be honest I don't think I would be where I am today if it wasn't for my faith and everything that encompasses it. I think that is what has kept me going, and most of all, what has kept me believing, even until today, that in the end, it'll all be OK. Trust me, and I know I have said it many times, it is very hard to accept something like that, but you do, because you believe that God has a plan for you. I do believe that, and I need to be patient. Whatever needs to happen will happen, I know there will be bumps in the road, maybe even road blocks. But in the end, we need to be ready for whatever life brings us. Always be grateful for everything you have, thank God and thank all your family and friends for everything they have given you. Be thankful for what you have and you'll end up with more. If you only focus on what you don't have, you'll never have enough.

I Like Intelligent Women - When You're Together, It Shouldn't Be a Staring Contest

As men we sometimes forget the power women have over our lives, the influence they have over us and all the joys and sorrows they give us. And let me be clear, I am talking about all the women in our lives, wives, mothers, sisters, in laws, friends, etc... It is funny because we don't really realize, until we are older, that it is all these women who have such an impact on us.

A few days ago I wrote an entire post about my mom, really the woman who has made me the man I am today, the one who taught me all my values and morals, the one who fought for me so much. Another woman in my life is my sister in law, someone who I have now known for over ten years. Saturday was her birthday, so a big Happy Birthday goes out to her! She has really shown me so much support during this time, she invited me into her family's home for Christmas, and has all throughout been there for me. I have learned over the past few weeks, so much about her, and have really learned to respect all she has done, not only for me, but for her family, her husband, her son. She is someone who has such a strong personality and character, and someone who I feel really truly cares about me. She sent me something a few days ago, an excerpt, that really applies to me and has somewhat opened my eyes. It comes from the book "The Time Traveler's Wife"; not something I want to read right now, mainly because I don't want more sadness, but here is the short excerpt...

"It is so hard to be left behind.

I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he is OK.

It is hard to be the one who stays. I keep myself busy, time goes faster that way.

I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I'm tired.

I watch the wind play with the trash that has been under the snow all winter.

Everything seems simple until you think about it.

Why is love intensified by absence?"

"Long ago men went to sea, and women waited for them,

standing on the edge of the water, scanning the water for the tiny ship.

Now I wait for Henry. He vanished unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him.

Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity.

Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass.

Through each moment I see infinite moments lined up, waiting.

Why has he gone where I cannot follow?"

Of course I don't wait for Henry! But the point, I think, is pretty clear. It is very hard to be the one left behind and it is hard for us to come to grip with that reality. I know I have said that before, but I think what I really want to talk about today, is how we can't just sit and wait. You read this excerpt and truly, it is so sad, and I am sure the book is probably sadder. But I think this opened my eyes to reality, a reality where you simply cannot sit and wait. Someone left me a comment on a different post a few days back which said, you can't wait for permission to move on. And whoever that was, is so right. I think I am finally able to move on in the sense that, I've accepted and faced reality, I've made it my reality. And it doesn't mean I forget about what is going on, because I don't know what the future holds, but I've accepted that now I live in a new reality, and to be honest it is a good feeling. Sometimes these realizations just come to us, and it did to me, throught things that happened. In the words of Steven Tyler,

"It's Amazing,

With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright"

I was finally able to truly, honestly not worry about things these past few days. I was able to just live life and have fun I guess. I realized life is too short to be spent worrying about things you simply cannot control. We'd drive ourselves crazy trying to do so! I know, and really have known for a while, that I cannot control this situation, never have been and never will. And to be honest, I don't want to try anymore. I didn't make these decision, I just reacted to life. We have to be quick to react and bounce back, remember I said earlier, life won't wait for us. These past few days, for the first time in over a month, I was finally able to actually have fun, do things I want to do, not think of the past. Things in life happen for a reason and sometimes we over-analyze them and other times we under-analyze them; and in all honesty, we shouldn't do either. We should take things for what they are, be objective, realistic. But regardless of all else, I have learned one thing; that it is the women in our lives that are usually right. Women have a way of making the highs higher and at the same time, the lows more frequent. And we take both. There is no doubt that women have always been the stronger ones, emotionally, spiritually, and even often times physically. Listen to the women in your life, they will more often than not lead you in the right direction.

Cooking Is a Lot Like Love, You're Either All In or Not In at All

Anyone who knows me knows that cooking, and food, are a big part of my life. I love to cook and I love to eat. I don't know why, but I'd like to think that it is because I have always been around food, always been around cooking. Growing up in Peru, eating is much different than it is here. Food is something that brings the family together, brings people together. It is a time to sit down and talk, a time to share with those we love. And I think I have forgotten about that part. Lately, eating has become more-so something we have to do, we sit in front of the TV and eat, and don't talk to each other. I don't really know why, maybe we became complaisant about things, each other, who knows. But cooking, that is a different story. My love for cooking is something that I grew up with. I have been cooking all my life that I can remember. I know I get that from my Dad, but I also get it from my Grandma I'd like to think. Always being around her growing up, her cooking at her house; those are great memories. But it was when I moved to the US, and being more around my Dad, that I really started to take it more seriously and started to, I guess you could say, get better at it. And trust me, I have loved to cook well before it became cool, it became mainstream. I love to cook and I cook pretty much every day, for me and for my wife, for my family. I'd like to think of that time as a time where I can relax, be myself. I love that I have that in my life, but I also know that I can be very controlling in the kitchen, evil! I know that I need to let people in a little more, let them help me if you will. Cooking should be a family thing, it should be something we enjoy doing with other people, with those we love, that only makes it more fun, more rewarding.

But why do I say that love is a lot like cooking? Is it really? I honestly think so, and like I said, the reason being that you're either all in or not in at all. Cooking is something you have to be passionate about, it is an art, I think. I see my Dad cook and I can honestly say, cooking is an art. We have to put all we have into it, to get the real essence of food out. The same happens with love, with marriage, even with friendship. We have to give it our all, we have to be fully committed, we have to be passionate about it. I know that if this marriage is ever to work out, ever, there will have to be passion involved. And I don't mean that in the romantic sense, I mean it as a passion that you want something so badly that you are willing to do anything for it, anything to achieve it; as an athlete would, you could say. I've said it a million times, love and marriage are very hard, are a struggle with someone else, a constant give and take, a constant compromise. And it is a two sided relationship, all those things have to come from both sides. I guess you could look at cooking the same way. Cooking is hard, cooking is a struggle, a struggle to learn what goes with what and what doesn't. I know in my life I have made some really bad food, but I learn from it and move on, learn not to do it again. Love is the same way, we make mistakes and we learn from them, we move on and we don't make those mistakes again. But I think the key to both is realizing that you have made a mistake, accepting it and facing it. I don't know what is on my wife's mind, I really don't and I wish I could send a minion in there to look and let me know! But does she realize she made a mistake? Has she realized that before? I don't know, and to be honest it doesn't matter until I hear it from her. Think about all those cooks and chefs who make terrible food but think they are great. Until you accept your mistakes, you cannot become a better person, a better cook. Learning to accept mistakes is part of growing up, part of maturing and part of learning how the world really works. We all go through that phase and it is tough, but we learn it is the right way to live life.

I want to leave you with this, we have to focus on the purity of love and marriage and try to leave distractions aside, try to forget those little things, that sand I talked about a few days back. Think about it this way, think about it as a turkey with stuffing. The turkey represents love and marriage in their pure state, and they are beautiful things; a turkey is a beautiful thing. But then you add stuffing inside and to be honest all you do is add mass to the turkey, unnecessary things to the marriage. All that happens in the end is the turkey takes longer to cook and ends up dry. Think of a marriage the same way, the more unnecessary things you add to it, the more it will dry out. I know that now and I know, if that day ever comes, that there are things that need to change, work to be done, stuffing to take off. Always keep that in mind, leave the turkey alone, it is great just the way it is. 

Getting Through to a Loved One is Sometimes as Hard as Getting a Couch Through a Door

Why does that always seem to be the case? Why do we have such a tough time getting through to those we truly love? I wish I had the answer, trust me, it would make all my problems much easier to solve. I met with my wife last night, and to be honest I thought it was a good talk. We didn't really argue or fight, we just talked, what was on her mind, what was on mine, how she was feeling, etc... She kept telling me that there is a part of her that really wants to come back, make things work, be home, like it used to be, but then again, there's this other part that doesn't, a part that fears, I think, being stuck in a horrible situation for the rest of her life. That might a little too harsh, but it is reality. All this just plays tricks on my mind, and I don't really know what to do or feel. In the past couple of weeks I have learned to cope with this reality, one that includes me only. I honestly, before yesterday, thought my wife would not come back, ever, and I told her that. But now she is considering it? She feels conflicted, as if she doesn't want to loose me. But what does that mean? Does she not want to loose me as a friend, or as a husband? Let's assume it is the latter, then why doesn't she come back? What I struggle with is the understanding of the feelings from the other side of her, those telling her not to come back. How strong are these feelings, or is it simply a fear of what is to come, and a lack of commitment to suffer for a while for something you believe in. I know, for a fact, that if this is ever to work out, it will get  a lot worse before it gets any better; and that is something we both have to accept and be willing to live, together. But there will be a time for that, if it ever comes.

But how does all this make me feel? I honestly don't know. Until yesterday, I thought there was no chance for this. I hadn't heard from her in a while, other than a text here and there, and I thought she had moved on with someone else, in fact I wrote about that yesterday. But things have changed, in a way anyway. I still continue to have a very focused approach to things, a very realistic and objective approach if you will. I know what the reality is and I know that it hasn't changed, even after our talk last night. I am doing good and I am proud of that, but that doesn't mean I am over my wife. It would be ridiculous for me to say that, it would be a lie. And I struggled last night to get this through to her. She kept saying that I was doing fine and better without her, and I tried to explain that I was doing good but not necessarily better without her. The two don't mean the same thing, at all; and to be honest, how could I possible be doing better without her? That makes no sense, at least not right now, today. I told her I have moved on, but because I had to not because I wanted to, that was not my choice. I have fought for this, and when I say that, I mean that I am still here, after all this there is a part of me that still wants to fight, but it gets smaller and smaller every day. Fighting for this marriage doesn't mean chasing after her, that wouldn't be right, it means that I am willing to do anything, sacrifice anything, for the commitment I chose to make. I have been there for the longest time, but I've also  realized I have to protect myself and my feelings, look forward and prepare for the worse. It is not a negative approach to life, at all, it is a realistic approach to the situation. I don't know how I'll react if she ever decides to come back home, work things out, I just don't know and it scares me. But that will be something I'll have to face if that time comes. I know God has a plan for me, and I don't know what that is right now. But I know that whatever it is, I'll be fine, in the end. I know I have to stay true to myself, what I believe in, my principles and values, all that makes me, well, me. She knows that, she knows better than anyone else who I am as a person, and she also knows that after she makes a decision, I have to make one too, and I can't guarantee how I'll feel then; we'll just have to wait and see what comes next. But always remember that just as if you where trying to fit a couch through a door, if you push too hard, something will break.

One Good Thing About Music, When It Hits You, You Feel No Pain

That was said by Bob Marley, and I'd have to agree 100%. Music plays such a big part in our lives and yet we don't really realize it. I know that music has helped me so much during this time, and it is funny how songs I have listened to for so long, all of the sudden start making sense. I am not much to really listen to the lyrics of songs, other than the chorus, so often times I don't really know what the songs are about. But in the past couple of weeks I have really started to listen to music; and it is amazing how many songs out there are about pain, pain from other people. But it helps, it really helps to hear these songs, and to be honest, sing them out loud, at the top of your lungs! To quote Reba McEntire, "For me, singing sad songs often has a way of healing a situation. It gets the hurt out in the open into the light, out of the darkness". For me, it is almost a way of talking to my wife, of telling her how I feel, what is on my mind, screaming as hard as I can, to get it all out of me; it feels really good!

There have been so many songs in these past weeks that have really spoken to me. Some new songs and some that I had been listening for a very long time. And like I said yesterday, it is funny how life works, because it will play a random song, out of hundreds and hundreds, that really applies to you and your situation. One song that came up this morning, again, after coming up yesterday, was Payphone, by Maroon 5. I've always liked the song, nothing special though. But then last night, I actually listened to the lyrics and got to think about it. I'd like to think that my situation and my relationship are a lot like a payphone. I mean, payphones are normally for one way use, and I am standing on that end, calling and calling, trying to fix this, trying to truly reach my wife, and no one is answering on the other side. It is frustrating to be honest and it demoralizes you in the beginning, but you get to a point when you simply hang up, and walk away. One thing I keep asking myself is, am I ready to move on, to walk away, truly, after all these years? Have I reached that point, where there is nothing else to be done or salvaged anymore? I don't really know and I don't think I'll know until that day comes, if it ever comes, when my wife decides to come back. It is something that I can't answer, and trust me I have tried to play every possible situation in my mind. The hardest part is that, even after all that has happened, I still love her, and that is because she is still my wife. But only time will tell and only time will heal. And there is no point in speculating, it'll only make things worse. So back to the song I was talking about. When I listened to the words, closely, they touch on so many things I'd like to tell my wife, scream at her, but I don't, I choose not to, because I know it is only impulsive, I don't really mean it. Here is a short excerpt from the song...

Yeah, I know it's hard to remember, the people we used to be
it's even harder to picture, that you're not here next to me,
you say it's too late to make it, but is it too late to try?
and in our time that you wasted, all of our bridges burned down

You turned your back on tomorrow, 'cause you forgot yesterday

I gave you my love to borrow, but you just gave it away

you can't expect me to be fine, I don't expect you to care

I know I said it before, but all of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights, you turned out the lights

now I'm paralyzed, still stuck in that time

when we called it love, but even the sun sets in paradise

I know that me telling her these things won't help the situation, and if anything, it will make it worse. And after all, like I said, I know it is impulsive more than anything, not really how I feel deep inside. I know that time will come for me to tell her everything I need to, to get everything of my chest and tell her everything she made me go through. But that time is not now and won't be anytime soon. I know I have to be calm and be a better person, be an adult. I read that music is what washes away the dust of everyday life. I know music has helped me and will continue to do so. Through other people's words and experiences, I know I can get everything out in the open, clean my soul of bad memories, wash away all the pain and sorrow. There is nothing like music to help uplift your spirit and make you smile. It is still hard to face reality, even when I have accepted it. It is very hard to realize that your wife left you, a man, for a child, someone who is not, and will never be, half the man I am. But it is what it is and there is no use in crying over spilled milk, what's done is done. Just keep in mind that those who sing will always find a song and those who love, will always find love.



To an Exciting & Prosperous New Year

First of all Happy New Year to everyone and congrats to my Clemson Tigers for the incredible win they pulled out last night when no one gave them a chance! Today I want to talk about new beginnings, new adventures, the essence of the new year. As with all the holidays and special occasions that have passed during this time in my life, Anniversary, Christmas, last night was no different. It was another very hard night. Last night was a night that I have been used to being with my wife, a night we have celebrated together for so many years and, well last night I couldn't even have told you were she was. I don't know what she was doing, who she is with, whether she was safe or not, or anything else for that matter. I know she has moved on and I know I keep saying that, but I am still waiting to hear it from her. I don't know why she just won't tell me; I know she is scared. I wondered last night if I would hear from her; after all I did hear from her on Christmas and our Anniversary; I really thought I would hear something for sure. And just as I thought, I did, at 12:02, "Happy New Year". But I again ask, what does that mean? Why do I seem to hear from her only on special occasions? Are these days hard for her? Is it guilt, or does she just happen to think of me at these particular times? Why not any other time? Or am I over thinking this... To be honest, I did not know what to answer. What do I say, did I think? Do I reply back, "Happy New Year"? Do I really mean that? Does she really mean that?

I finally replied, "To you too", hours later. But then I kept asking myself, why all of the sudden, why now, does she send me something, again? I honestly have no clue, and it really confuses me as to why she does that. If it is guilt, acting out, then why does she keep doing the things she is doing? Or does she think I sit at home crying all day and she needs to throw me a bone, because she is doing good? Remember I said yesterday, she is the one who has found someone else, so she has a distraction if you will, an infatuation, to keep her busy. But then I think, does she really truly miss me? I mean that would make sense too, right? Seven year of your life can't just be thrown away. Who knows why to be honest, but for me, well, the world keeps on going and I keep going around with it, taking care of responsibilities, living in the real world. But for sure I don't sit at home and feel sorry for myself, in fact, quite the opposite! And I hope I can continue to get better, as I have been over the last week. I know this will take time and effort from my part, but I know I'll be OK in the end.

When we start a new year we all have resolutions, things we want to accomplish in the coming year, goals we set for ourselves. Some of us want to work out more, lose weight, some want to get closer to God, others spend more time with the family. Resolutions can truly be anything and it is up to us and only us to make them come true. I wonder what my wife's resolutions are? I don't know and honestly I don't care right now. But then again, what are my resolutions? What do I want to accomplish this year, in my life? Well, there are the obvious things, the golf balls; make sure I understand what happened in my marriage, find new beginnings, find new friends, meet new people, get closer to old friends, spend more time with my family. And then there's also the smaller things, the pebbles if you will; run a marathon, excel at my job, work on my house. But I think most of all, my resolution for this year is to continue to be the person that I am today, that strong person who can endure anything, that person who won't let anything or anyone take him down; that is truly a person I am proud to be. A resolution is truly a test of character. It is our character that will drive us, or not, to complete our resolutions, to continue after all the excitement has gone away. Those who give up after a few days or weeks, lack the commitment and don't really have the drive to continue once that excitement is gone.

Today was also a very hard day, for multiple reasons. Not only is it the first day of the year, a day to be lazy with those we love, a day to get ready for what is to come, but today was the day my brother left to go back home. Him and his family had been here with me for a while now. As you know I spent Christmas with them and then they came to stay with me. But today they had to go home, so I am back alone. And I am not going to lie, I really miss all of them. I miss the company, I miss the love and the support they gave me through all these days. But it is funny how the world works, just when you get down and are having a bad day, you get something, a message, that cheers you back up. It shows you that people still think about you, just when you think no one does.

But I know now that from this point forward it is me, by myself, on a new journey alone, a new beginning. I know it is going to be hard, and I won't lie, I am pretty freaking scared. But I know I have good support. I have a great family and great friends, people who care and people who will help me, because they know I will help them anytime. I'd like to wish everyone a very prosperous 2013 and may all your dreams and ambitions come true. Keep an open mind to anything and anyone, accept everyone, love everyone even when they don't love you, love yourself, kill with kindness, be the person you want to be and most of all, never ever let anything  bring you down.