A Vida é Amor Em Acção

I have been in Brazil since Monday morning, hence the title in Portuguese, and the trip has been truly fantastic. I have been able to see different places in these past few days, learn a lot of new things, meet great people, gotten to know other people better. It has been great to get away from the routine and, I guess, the real world, for a few days; I really needed it. But I've also had a lot of time to think, reflect in my life and everything that is going on around me. The title says that life is love in action, and I do believe that to be true. During this time I've gotten to think, I have understood that life, should be filled by love and actions of love, to those few we hold close to us.

But anyway; I am not afraid to fly; I have flown a lot in my life and honestly have never been scared to get on a plane. I know that God has a time for me, and whenever that time comes, there is nothing I can do about it. I have learned that in the past couple of months, and to be honest, I know it is true. It is hard to come to that realization, but my faith helps me understand it. It also helps me understand that life is short and we have to make the most of it, I have to take advantage of it. However, I do fear one thing about flying; I fear not being able to come back to those I love; in a way, letting those I love down. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel there are a lot of things I still want to do with all the people who mean so much to me. I want to be there for my nephew as he grows up, I want to start my own family, I want to feel loved again. I know all those things will happen, because God wants those things for me, I know that. But the fear is there. I have said it a few times already, on different posts, different days. Always tell those you love, that you love them, you never know if that will be the last time you talk to them. Going on a trip, as trivial as it sounds and honestly is, really makes you think, is this the last time I talk to them? It is not a negative view on things, it is simply not being blind to the real possibilities we face every day, with every risk we take. I didn't live by what I preached last Sunday, as I boarded that plane. I didn't tell all those people who mean so much to me, that I love them, I only said it to a few. And it got me to thinking. As the plane took off, I thought about it and cried. I thought about, if this is it, those who I love might be left with words other than "I love you" from me. I take these relationships so much to heart, that I don't want to have those feelings. It might sound selfish, because I'm only looking at this from my perspective and what I feel and who I love, but to me that is important. I want to be a good person, I've said it multiple times. And I mean that to heart. I want to be the best I can for all the people who mean something in my life, and I mean all those people. I have learned that it is not worth it to hold resentment inside of us, and it is most definitely detrimental to ourselves to do onto others for the sole purpose of revenge; revenge only hurts he who seeks revenge. We are beings capable of forgiveness, capable to rationalize and understand situations, very complex situations, and that is exactly what has helped me become who I am today.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring as I board yet another plane and embark on my way back home. I don't know what next week holds for me, next month, this whole year, my life... I believe that taking advantage of the opportunities presented to you is the only thing you can truly control. I have realized that it is only my life that I have control over, and that I should stop trying to control and fix other people's lives. I know there is a reason for everything that is happening and I know I have to be patient. I know what legacy I want to leave behind, a man who was kind and a person who did good, a person who loved those who he believed were at his core. There's a few people I hold dear to my heart, people I love, in different ways and at different levels. I'm so sorry if I didn't tell you I loved you before I left, but I do promise you that this time, and from this point forward, you will always hear those words from me. To all of you, and you know who you are, I thank you and I love you, from the bottom of my heart.

Love Is Nothing More Than Exposing Ourselves To The Pain of Being Hurt

I know that sounds negative but if you think about it, it is entirely true. Love is nothing more than the absence of judgement, us becoming vulnerable to someone else, giving ourselves entirely to someone who can take it all away in a second. When we think about the love we have for someone, rational thinking goes out the window. I know it very well. The first month I would have done absolutely anything to make this marriage work, I would have put everything that happened aside, because of love. But as time goes by, rationality sets back in, and mostly due to apathy, a feeling of numbness to everything and everyone around you. And I'm not saying it is right to feel that way, but it is natural, it is part of the process.

But back to love. What really is love? Love is a lot more than just a feeling, a lot more than a feeling for someone. Love is a realization that we no longer are individuals, but that we now share something with someone else. Love is unselfish; it's caring, protecting someone, at all costs. Think of love as the fire on a grill; in the beginning the flames of love are blazing, often very hot and fierce! ;) But as love grows between two people, hearts mature, and love starts to become more like hot coals; slow but steady burning. We sometimes get so caught up on saying those 3 precious words, and what they mean. And don't get me wrong I honestly believe, and I have said it on this blog before, always tell those you love, that you love them, because you never know if that will be the last time you talk to them. But what do those words mean without actions behind them? Love is more-so true devotion to someone else, it is sustained by actions and loyalty, every day. I've said it before and I'll say it again, love is more than just romantic excitement. If it was everyone would be in love after the first date! It is much more than a pure desire to be with someone. I guess to me it is a deep appreciation for someone else, for who they are and who they help you become. It is loving someone for who they choose to be and not who you want them to be, because that would be nothing more than loving a reflection of yourself in someone else.

We all define love differently and I guess what I am saying is that love means different things to all of us. But I think that the purest of definitions is the absolute wish for someone else's happiness. Love is not only being happy when those we love are happy, but feeling pain when they feel pain. I can honestly say I wish for my wife's happiness, whatever that means. I know that if she is happy, I will be happy; that is just the kind of person I am, or better yet, the person I have become and want to be. And that is truly sincere from me, I have always wished that for her, even from the beginning. But I now also wish for my own happiness, wherever and with whomever that may be. I know in the end it'll all be OK, I know I'll be happy and I know she'll be happy. I know that in this process I have met and will meet new people, important people. I said it yesterday, I am open to new opportunities and new ventures, I know life has a plan for me. Always keep love in your heart; a life without love is like a garden without sun.

Don't Worry About The Circumstances, Just Create New Opportunities

I know lately I haven't been writing a whole lot; or at least as much as I did in the beginning. But I'd like to look at that as progress, progress in this journey I am on. In the beginning I had a lot of time in my life, time for me to reflect, time to think of what had happened, time to think of what was to come. And I felt I needed to write, a lot. It helped me so much, that I honestly attribute a lot of my progress to my writing. Simply because it has allowed me to put everything out there and help others in the process. But now, now I've become more active, have gone back to my old self. I stay busier and fill my life with other things, other people. Lately, I've been choosing to write when I'm inspired about a particular subject or something happens in my life. Today, I'd like to talk about new opportunities and new beginnings; really the essence of what keeps us moving forward in life.

I think sometimes we concern ourselves too much with circumstances that we forget to look forward; and I am guilty of that. It is completely understandable, however, for us to feel as if we need to pay attention to our current circumstances, pay attention to what is happening around us and what has happened in the past, because after all it is reality. Sometime ago I talked about freedom, freedom to move on. And when I think back to that, I realize that for me to have the freedom to move forward to new opportunities and to produce results in my life, I need to start living in the present and not in the past. That's easier said than done, but it is what I chose to do.

New opportunities come to us every day. Some bigger than others, some life changing, some trivial. And you must stay open to them, or they will pass you by. You never know in life, when that one life changing opportunity will come, and that is why I choose to make the best of every opportunity that is given to me. Opportunities are gifts, from God I'd like to think, through coincidence, through other people, through life. Life opens up opportunities to you, every day, and you can either choose to take them or choose to be afraid of taking them and missing out. I have learned that sometimes opportunities are disguised as hard work, as trouble, even pain, and that is why people fail to recognize them. But as with anything else in life, greatness only comes with hard work, dedication and sacrifice. I have recently realized that I need to think of myself first and others second, put myself in a position to succeed, and find my happiness. And I know that for it to happen, I need to stay open to any opportunity life throws at me. Things happen for a reason, you meet people for a reason, you find things every day for a reason. And keep in mind that those reasons are truly irrelevant, and you shouldn't try to understand the whys of life. As I do, you should only embrace the opportunities as they come and try; try new things. 

Every day we wake up, could be the day we lose someone we love; it could even be our last day. We never know when those days will come and that is why I think I keep talking about opportunities. Life has a way to give us chances; chances for us to be with people we love, when we didn't expect to be with them, chances to meet new people we would have never met, under other circumstances! I believe, and I tell those I care about, that we need to seize those opportunities and cherish them; don't be afraid of them. Choose happiness over sadness and excitement over fear. Every new opportunity that opens up has good and bad, and sometimes people focus only on the bad, the fear of what could be. But we need to focus on the good, the happiness those opportunities could bring to us, and to others. No one said it would be easy, and trust me, it won't, but why go through life afraid of what life itself can throw at you? In all honestly, there are going to be some horrible things that happen, to all of us. But there is a reason for them and I am starting to see them. Who knows what the future holds, who knows what will happen tomorrow, in a week, in a month... I sure don't, but I know that whatever it is life puts in front of me, through chance, through others, I will be open to it. Opportunities are nothing but a key to a door we have never opened and we have no idea what is behind it. But if we never open it, we'll never find out.

In Looking Back, I Can't Find Anything I Regret

This is a different kind of post than most days. If you think about it, and have read my Blog from the beginning, I didn't really start writing until two weeks after everything happened. The first week was probably the toughest because it was full of confusion and questions, back and forth between love and anger, if you will. Last night while I was laying in bed, I picked up this notebook where I wrote every day for the first week, while I was in Houston. And I thought, all those feelings are important, everything I went through during those days is part of the story, and in retrospect, I have no regrets, not only on what I did, but on how I felt. I thought I would start posting some of those chapters, I thought they need to be here, to tie together everything that has happened and how I have evolved from the very beginning to where I am today. I'm sorry if the writing is scattered but I wrote this throughout the day!

Thursday, December 6th, 2012

Thursday and in the office with Horacio today., I thought it would be good to come today. This place is really nice, I want to steal one of these chairs and send it back to Greenville! If only I could!

Yesterday I told Kelli that as much as I hurt doing it, I couldn't text her or call her anymore. I just couldn't. She said she would text me and call me, so we'll see. She did text me last night, saying "I love you". This only confuses me more. I hope she does, I really do. I hope these are signs of good to come. I only replied, "I love you too". I hope this means something, but I don't know. This morning she texted me to say good morning and that made me happy because it came from her. I just replied and we exchanged some texts, but nothing else. Work is pretty much boring right now, not much to do with production complete for the year! These are supposed to be good times though, but unfortunately they are not. I really hope they can still be, I really do. Still praying a lot, especially to Saint Jude. I feel he was my Grandpa's favorite Saint and I know he will help me. We had lunch today at this Mexican place, delicious. The shrimp we huge and the portions were just gigantic. Everything was really good. It was really nice of Horacio's friend to invite me to their Christmas lunch! I really miss Kelli so much. She is my wife and my best friend, really has been everything for the past 7 years. I know I have to stay positive. Not a whole lot of work this afternoon, so it should be pretty quiet.

We went to the gym after work, and right before we got there, Kelli texted me; just saying that she hoped i was having a good day; I said yes and that I hoped she was too. Took her a couple of hours to get back to me, but then she said she was having a good day too and to say hi to Horacio and Tracey. I only said, "OK, I love you". The more I think about it, I do, but I can't explain why sometimes. It sucks that we have to go through this but that is life. I don't think I'll talk to her today, I really don't, and I wish that I could, but I need to contain myself. If she wants to talk, she can call; I just hope she is not talking to anyone else.

When the night comes it seems to get harder for me; going to bed alone is hard. I don't like it at all and I pray she doesn't either. I hope she calls soon, maybe tomorrow. I was supposed to be at her school tomorrow for career day and I hate that I am missing it. Maybe I can do it another time.

We had some Peruvian chicken for dinner, just me, Horacio and Luca. The little man devoured the fries and ate more ketchup than I had all year! Tracey went out with a friend. After dinner, football and now to bed. I think I am scared of going to sleep and that is why I stay up every night. I don't think I have slept more than 3 hours in the past week. I need to go to sleep though.

So the best thing just happened to me! It is close to 2am and I was sitting in bed, trying to go to sleep when I heard Luca in his room. I walked over and he was standing in his crib, just holding on to the rails. I picked him up and help him and brought him to me bed. He laid on me with his eyes wide open for a few minutes, so quiet, then fell asleep. He slept on me for a few minutes and then I just took him back to his crib. He seems so peaceful, it really was a great feeling! I think this has made me realize how much I really want kids. I know it is what I want and I thought it was what Kelli wanted as well. We have talked about it and were both on board, but things seem to have changed. Anyway, I need to fall asleep, the lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me. Tomorrow will be another day, we'll see what happens.

It's funny to read this and think of how much things have changed and how I put myself out there at the time and didn't get anything back. I honestly don't know what the future will bring, but I know I can't look back. Think about it, looking back will only get me into an accident, because I am going to run into something I didn't see. I'd much rather look forward than look back. I don't regret anything I felt or anything I did back then and even now. I am who I am today because of everything in my past and all I hope is that the future is much brighter.

We All Realize That With Technology Come Unintended & Undesirable Consequences

If it wasn't for Thomas Edison we would still be reading under candle light, and if it wasn't for Steve Jobs' vision, we wouldn't have the iPhone today. Technology has given us all the great things that surround us, all those things that make our lives not only easier, but more enjoyable. But I also think that technology has taken over the world, in a sense. We have this idea that technology has all the answers, we rely so much on it, as to almost not only expecting to do everything for us, but to an extent feel for us. But what happened to human interaction? What happened to calling people and talking, listening to someone else's voice, listening to the way things are said, their tone of voice, their mood. We have gotten so caught up in smiley faces on text messages, that we feel we know people after 5 minutes, or 5 texts, after meeting them. What happened to building relationships based on people's characters and personalities, and not so much on their profile pictures, Facebook updates and latest Tweets?

I feel we now live in a world where the current generation has an obsession with sharing everything with the world, to see how many "Likes" they can get on their status updates. Whatever happened to talking to friends, spending time with those people who mean something in your life, those who you consider family. So many people feel as if they can live their lives through technology with no, or little, need for human interaction. I remember growing up, not that long ago by the way, when we talked to girls in middle school and your personality actually meant something, you got nervous and stuttered, didn't know what to say. Nowadays it seems that the youth of the world has forgotten how to look up, since their heads are always staring down at the phone, or at the ground. Everyone seems to hide behind text messages, and Facebook, that I feel we are loosing human empathy, the ability to feel something for someone else, someone who is in front of you. Look around you at these kids and you'll see what I'm talking about. What ever happened to actually feeling something because you talked to someone, because you felt a connection with someone; someone who looks at you in the eyes and talks to you. Why do we pay so much attention to the smiley faces on our texts? Why are we always feeling the need to update our Facebook status and tell the world all the great things happening? Haven't you noticed that Facebook is only filled with happy relationships and marriages? I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, wish to all of my friends out there, that your relationships are as good as Facebook makes them out to be.

Why do we do things, with technology, that we feel as if we need to hide them? Technology has given us a great way of life, an easier way of life as I said earlier. But we have forgotten the maybe unintended and sometimes undesirable consequences that come with this gift. With smart phones now everywhere, even in the hands of eight year-olds, it is so easy to conceal things, do things that we know are wrong, but we also know we can't get caught doing, that we feel almost invincible, untouchable; it gives us a rush, a feeling of excitement. I feel we have gotten to a point where some are almost using all the right technology for all the wrong reasons. We need to go back to a world where personal interactions are the norm, where we call rather than text, where we put more emphasis on human connections rather than convenience. I know we have to adapt to technology because it is what's around us, but sometimes life is much more than what makes sense on paper. Just because we have it available to us, doesn't mean we have to replace human emotions with it. We need to use technology for what it is and not let it take over us. It can't feel for you and it can't convey your feelings to others, no matter how many smiley faces and LOL's you use. Talk to the people who really matter to you, and I mean actually talk to them. I know I am really bad at that and should do it more often. I am guilty of all the things that I've rant about here, but I have realized that technology can really hurt people and relationships. Humans have the ability to feel, to hurt, to cry and to laugh, machines don't. Pay attention to what really matters and you'll realize that your iPhone, iPad, Facebook and so on, mean nothing when compared to the sound of the voices of the ones you love.

Moving On Is a Simple Thing, What It Leaves Behind, Not So Much

We learn at a young age that sometimes it is better to let things go, move on to the next thing. And as we grow up, we continue to face situations like this. At work, at home, with the family, sometimes we just need to take the high road, if you will, let go of an argument for example, and move on. I wanted to talk about moving on; most specifically moving on in life, or with our lives. We all know that throughout our lives we are going to encounter trouble, heartache, deceit, a lot of pain; it being because of something like what is happening to me, the death of a loved one, loosing your job, etc... But we all get to a point after whatever it is that happened to us, when we realize that unless we keep our heads up and look forward, leave the past behind, we will never get better and life will pass us by. And when I say that, I don't mean forgetting the past, ignoring it because it hurt us; I mean using that past, that heartache, as motivation for the future, as fuel to achieve whatever it is that we have set ourselves to achieve.

I said a few weeks ago that people can react to bad memories two ways; they can use it as motivation or they can choose to victimize themselves. I choose to use what has happened to me as motivation for my future, to achieve what I know is what I want and to move on. I understand you can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, and although that might not be the case quite yet, we might get there one day, soon; and I know now I'll be ready for it. I read a poem by Pablo Neruda that I thought was very powerful and I felt speaks for me. Here is an excerpt:

Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you, little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land

It is really such a powerful piece, because it shows that regardless of how much we try to hold on to something that we love so much, if there is no reciprocity to that feeling, then we must let it go. I've thought about unconditional love and what that really means, if it really is real. But think about those two words for a second; they truly are one of life's great paradoxes. There is no such thing as unconditional love. We give love to someone with the condition of getting love back. When the love for us is gone, so is the love we give.

Let's talk about the title; I think it perfectly explains my current state of mind. I have chosen to move on, continue my life as it is today, and don't let this bring me down and affect the rest of what makes me, well, me. And that is pretty easy to do to be honest. It is nothing more than a choice and a state of mind, a decision to make the best of my current situation and live my life. But what is left behind, well that is a much different story. I think that is why I have struggled so much, it is because all the memories, good and bad, all the things that we have gone through; all those things are almost impossible to leave behind. I feel as if these things follow me, and with reason, to be honest. How could I possibly just let all of those things go? It would be robotic of me to do so. But I choose to look at it this way; I think all those things, all those great memories we have together, those great times we lived together, so many of them, they make me who I am today, they are part of my life and will be forever, regardless of whether or not we end up together. And it is something that has taken me a long time to accept. A few weeks back, when I decided to move on and live my life as it is, I thought it would be easy, that I would just block these things from my mind and my memory and move forward. But I can't, I just can't. These things are with me, every day. You have to understand that so many years together, so many things done together, virtually everything around you day in and day out, triggers some kind of memory; and that happens to me every day.

I chose to move on for one reason, and that is because I wanted sanity back in my life; I wanted my peace back, I wanted to be me again. And last Sunday at church I heard something that stuck with me and shines light on the whole idea of moving on. He used the analogy of finding shark's teeth on the beach and how not everyone finds them. He said that the shark's teeth are always there, but only those who are looking for them can see them. And then I thought, when we are closed minded, closed to life, we miss things, opportunities and new people pass us by, but when we open ourselves up to what is around us, we see new things. The idea of opening up to the world, opening our eyes, doesn't necessarily put new things in front of us, it simply allows us to see those things that have always been there. Cry as much as you need to, forgive everyone for the things they have done to you, learn from the past and don't be afraid of the future; and after all of that, move on, for yourself and not for anyone else.

Honesty Should Be The First Chapter in The Book of Life

The only way to attain honesty in our lives, is to not only be honest with those who are honest with us, but also with those who are not. Honesty is one of the pillars of life, and society for that matter, and like I said in the title, it should be the first chapter of our lives. I'd like to think that honesty, in the long run, is always the best policy. I know we always feel like we can get by with a few lies here and there, white lies if you will, because it is simply easier; or maybe we just don't want to hurt anyone. I know I've done it and continue to do it. But honesty is always the best policy. I try to think that I would do more harm to someone by my falseness of trying not to hurt them, than by the honesty of trying to hurt them. It is hard to get this concept through our heads, because after all, it is somewhat of a paradox, it doesn't really make sense or is rational. How can we possibly be doing better unto someone by trying to hurt them? I think back to my case, and I think it would have been much easier on me to know the truth and all the truth upfront. Yes, it would have hurt, a whole lot. But honesty brings clarity and clarity gives you peace of mind and peace of heart. I think a lot of times we try to convince ourselves that our dishonesty is justified because we are trying to protect someone, not hurt them. But why do we feel that we are entitled to decide, for someone else, what is better for them. Honesty will always be the best policy. Honesty is the foundation of our lives, it is what gives us tranquility and cleanliness of heart, a clean conscience, things that bring happiness to life.

But to be honest with you, often times honesty hurts, a lot. But I feel that I can respect those people, those people who are honest with me. And that is simply because I know that if they can tell me those hard things, those things that they know will hurt me, but they also know I need to hear, then I will always know that they have my best interest at heart. Good friends and family are those people who feel they can be blatantly honest with you because they need to, and you will appreciate it. Think about these three words: honesty, respect and loyally. These are three words that in my opinion should always go together. How could you have one in your life without the others? If you respect someone, then you should be loyal to that person and be honest with that person, right? I think with respect comes honesty, and for the longest time I felt disrespected. I felt disrespected that the person who I thought was closest to me, didn't feel as if she could be honest with me. How can you build a relationship, in life and in business, without honesty. It would be like trying to build a house on quick sand, it'll eventually sink and fall apart.

We need to remember that the truth matters, always has and always will, that we don't play by our own rules in life and we don't decide for others; we don't take shortcuts because they are easier and that all we achieve needs to be achieved by us. I've talked about a clean conscience and you can think of your conscience as a measure of your honesty, or selfishness.  Love in it of itself requires a clean conscience, and honesty. A way to look at it is that honesty will not always bring a response of love, but it is definitely essential to love.

The goodness of people relies on character - purity, honesty, loyalty, respect, moral courage, if you will. But above all this is relies on how we treat others. Honesty gives people the freedom to be themselves, to talk about things they wouldn't otherwise. Honesty promotes an environment of cleanliness and peace, of openness. Life comes down to honesty and doing what is right, not only for us, but for others. I truly believe in certain things in life. I believe in family, I believe in a good time, I believe in good food, I believe in people and the power they have to make a difference. I believe in intelligence over force and most of all I believe in the power of honesty.