I Was Enchanted To Meet You

As usual with my posts, the titles are very misleading, and sometimes they flat out make no sense; but we'll get to this one later. In the last couple of days I have been thinking about our wedding, how it was, what it meant. To be honest, I can't really remember all that much, but it is funny, because what I do remember, are very particular details.

December 17^th, 2011 was the date, and that day will always be with me, and with her. We got married in Peru, where I am from, and because of that, we were not very involved in the actual physical preparations. Although it was our choice, hers and mine, and I personally wouldn’t change it, I think I missed being part of some of the planning; and so did she. You always look forward to tasting cakes, trying out caterers, going to look at venues, etc…, and even though I might not have thought about it at the time, I know my wife would have liked that too. But again, we made the choice of getting married in another country, and with that came delegating a lot of the responsibilities. And we got a lot of help, from my mom in particular. She put in a lot of her time, a lot of her efforts and a lot of love to make it as close as what we wanted it to be; and for that I know I will always be grateful to her; my wife too.

But every time I think back to that day, I can’t remember those trivial details; the food, the flowers, etc… I remember more-so, sounds, scents, her above all. And at times these have been painful memories because I have asked myself, as you know, what went wrong, and how did I not see it. But now, these are happy memories; I know I love her and always have.

As she walked down the aisle, strapless dress, fitted down through her body down to her knees, flowing below, it’s as if everything around her, and me, just stopped moving; almost disappeared. I'm not sure I remembered where I was, and I can’t even remember what the sounds were. All I know is that it was, well, enchanting. And I am guessing this is a natural feeling, something you should feel; I think I might have even shed a tear, or two. And the ceremony, I must say I don’t really remember much either; Catholic, pretty standard at times. The First Reading read by her mom, the Prayer of the Faithful, read by my sister in law and one of my friends, communion, etc… The mass was mostly in Spanish, something I wish could have been different. I know my wife couldn’t understand a whole lot. All in all, the church was magnificent, and she was there, standing next to me.

The reception was just as stunning, I think. At end of the pier at the Yacht Club, upstairs, open to the breeze of the ocean, only a thin fabric canopy surrounding the entire space. Lights were dimmed, flowers beautiful, striking to be honest, or so the pictures make them seem. As we walked down the pier, just the two of us, everyone waiting on us, Taylor Swift’s “Enchanted” played in the background, hence the title. And I remember it as if it was playing in the distance, as if I was removed from reality and was watching us. It seems to have taken forever to get there, and granted the pier is quite long, but as we walked up the stairs, and everyone’s eyes were on us, mine could only be on her. And I know I have never been someone to show much emotion, hard to read if you will, but that is what I was feeling inside, at that moment.

The night went well. People ate, danced, drank and had a good time. And us, we tried to eat some, danced, drank, and mingled with people. I think if I could go back to that day, I would only change one thing; I would spend more time with her. And don’t get me wrong, I do not regret how the night went, I think it was fabulous. I said a long time ago, and if you have followed this blog from the beginning you might remember, that one of the events that defines me as who I am today, is the day I married my wife; that hasn’t changed and will never change. I love her with all my heart and I know we will be OK in the end, together. I'd like to leave you with something to think about; never forget that a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

A Life of Wine & Swine

Anyone who knows me knows that I love food; in fact I believe I wrote an entire post about the importance of food, and cooking in my life. And to be honest there are few things in this world I love more than pork, and wine. This is an ode of some sort, a tribute to the swine and all its fatty greatness, a tribute to wine and all its mysteries. This might be the hidden poet inside of me, if there is such, but I like to think of them as gifts from the earth, and its soil; wine is a product of the seasons, of the fruits that keep coming back year after year; and the swine, it is the result of hard work, time and love.

I have always been a lover of all things pork, although I did not grow up eating it a lot. But as I got older I started to appreciate it more, and in its entirety I must say. And I can also say I was born in the Year of the Pig, November 1983. I suppose that explains some of my love for the pig, but there is much more to it that draws me. We Pigs are chivalrous and polite, we care. If you think of a pig, as a species, they are strong and honorable. But are those traits that lead to the delicious offerings we receive from it? Who knows, and to be honest, who really cares! When you think of a pork belly, slowly roasting in the oven, crusted with chili powders, brown sugar, salt, its fat melting onto itself, seasoning the little meat on the belly, you couldn’t begin to focus on where that actually came from. And then, hours later, when the belly comes out, the waiting game begins; you must let it rest of course! But the result, in the end, is worth every hour you put in; salty, soft yet firm, melts in your mouth, the fattier the better. And how about some crispy pig ears? Slowly cooked, and then fried in hot fat, maybe duck fat, crispy on the outside, gelatinous and chewy on the inside, its richness offset by a sweet yet sour dipping sauce. And the by-product, a pot of delicious swiney stock; add some star anise, soy sauce, rice wine and cardamom and you have a great base for a rich, aromatic and salty soup. And bacon; if there is anything I seek to find perfection in is the BLT. Thick bacon complemented with loads of avocado to add a creaminess, crisp lettuce and home grown tomatoes for their sweetness.   

And please know that I do not plan to sit here and talk about pulled pork, or ribs, the staples of the American barbecue, things you find in every barbecue joint on every other corner, what people flock to when they think pig; although tremendous at times, that is not the goal for today. The whole point is to offer a salute to the greatness of the pig that is often times forgotten by many, and yet cherished by few. A whole pig, roasting over an open fire, outside on a warm spring day, glistening in its fat as the skin crisps up as it turns, and turns. And how about the pride of Texas, the smoked brisket? When I think of brisket, it reminds me that there is still hope out there for barbecue. Ah, the pig, for how many have you become the antidote for vegetarianism? Explore the wonders of the pig, venture out of the mainstream and into the adventure that pork belly, pig ears and cheeks are. Do your own pig roast or hunt down the greatest bacon out there; but either way, appreciate the pig for what it is, as a whole.

Oh and wine! How can I forget about you; after all, the title is about swine AND wine. I can’t deny that I have been relying, maybe a little too heavily at times, on this potion to help me get through everything I am going through. And although I am not necessarily proud of it, I tend to believe that people are the most honest after a glass of wine, or two; in a way wine is honesty. And there’s somewhat of a built-in romance to wine as well, as I like to think of it as emotional to an extent. Wine is a lot like love, it is gentle and subtle, it should get better as it ages; it is robust yet delicate, it can be slick yet bold. Cabs have always been my choice, and as I get older I’ve continued to grow into them. I suppose my palate is more refined now, grown up, and I maybe appreciate the complexity and full bodied aromas a bit more.

I have grown to love wine, truly. I love the fact that every bottle is unique, that each vineyard is unique, each tells its own story. From how the sunshine hits the grapes, in the morning and in the afternoon, to the soil and the rainfall, every vintage tells the tale of that year. Every bottle is a mystery, every bottle will taste slightly different; and I must say I find that, well, exciting. And although we are moving towards screw tops, and even boxes, there is still something about the sound of a cork popping. And as it pours, into a glass, or a decanter if you wish, the aromas bloom and hit the nose. But after all, it is all about the taste, that sublime, mellowness of wine when it hits the tongue. And it is just as much about the company as it is about taste, the people it brings together. May it be husband and wife, long life friends, or new acquaintances, wine brings people together, it does now and it has for centuries. Just as Jesus shared wine at the last supper, we still gather with loved ones and do the same. Maybe it is the wine in these past couple of months that have made me a slightly better version of myself; maybe it is something else. But either way I do want to ask you to enjoy life; it is easy. Or at least it is as easy as the next trip to the wine store.

Don't Pray For An Easy Life, But For God's Strength Instead

The world will break everyone at some point, yet it is at those broken places, where some of us emerge stronger. We all go through life dealing with our own issues, with our own heartbreak, our own disappointments. But rather than feeling sorry for ourselves, victimizing and falling down, we should use these struggles to develop our strength and decide to not surrender. And I think it is clear, I do not speak of physical strength, but emotional. It is strength of character that translates into the ability to overcome hardship and resentment, hide our pain and forgive others. I know these situations can be overwhelming and draining to our souls and minds, and it has been for me. But after spending time with God, I have found a renewed sense of strength, as if He has injected me with His energy and passion. I have learned that strength is being able to let go and not hold on, making a decision to grow from the hardships we endure, and being a better person in the end. I know that I only have power over my mind and not anything else, so I should focus on mastering that above all else. I said on my last post that we must find a balance between strength within us and gentleness with others. And what I mean by that is simply that, gentleness is really the ultimate sign of strength. It is not being cruel, or merciless that defines and shows strength; that is too easy. It is being gentle with those who have hurt you, that have done you wrong, that truly shows a man’s strength at his core.

I read a great analogy a few days ago and got me thinking. It said, “Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on”. We always seem to think that hardship cannot be overcome, or that one cannot get over situations such as this one. But I choose to look at it as an injury, as the quote above. Just as if you were able to heal an injury, after overcoming an emotional hardship, a relationship should be stronger, should have a better foundation; just like scar tissue. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I don’t know what is going to happen, but I have regained my strength, something I hadn’t done up to this point. I am now able to look at the world, and my life, in a positive way and in an optimistic way. You could say I now live in a best case scenario world, which in turn gives me a better outlook on life. Some might say that this is not the correct way to go about it, that I am just setting myself up to being hurt again, that I should protect myself above all. But when I think about it, could it really get any worse? Could I really get any lower than where I was? I honestly don’t think so, and although I am doing better and the worst case scenario would be devastating, can one ever really truly prepare himself for it? I don’t think so, and in expecting the worse, all I do is act negative and portray that in my life. It has taken a while for me to regain my strength, but I have. The prophet Isaiah said, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint". I feel as if this is me now, as if I have received the strength, patience and wisdom that I have been asking God for all this time. I know I will still make mistakes and above all, I will follow my heart. But I can’t be afraid of it; I can’t be closed to it. God’s strength shines in times of weakness; it is the reason He sends it to us, and me, in journeys such as the one I am on. He not only tests our faith, but our strength as well, our resilience and belief that He will take care of us.

I feel that it is important to believe in something, whatever you want, so strongly, that you’re never discouraged, that you never lose faith. But we have to be honest; with those we love and with ourselves, as it is honesty, not insincerity that shows a man’s true strength, true gentleness. I like to think of strength and courage as siblings, in a way. It is the love that we hope to receive from someone that gives us strength to love and to move forward; yet it is the love we have for those close to us that gives us the courage to accept love. I choose to be a man who cherishes a challenge and draws strength from distress, a strength which grows in reflection and is open to change. I chose to walk through hell with a smile on my face; strength is nothing more than a will; a will to not let anything stand between you and your happiness; your pursuit of happiness. We must not assume that fairness is on the side of the strong, as the world itself is never fair, but we need to understand that patience feeds strength, and impatience weakness. Calm and open debate, healthy debate is what we need, my wife and I need to communicate if anything will ever be repaired; we both have to find our inner strength that will show the gentleness in our hearts. Find your passion, as it is exactly that which will be your strength of the future. Always remember that God gives us strength for the sole purpose of avoiding the temptations to surrender.

Putting Things in Perspective, Continued...

During all this time, it has been very easy for me to get caught up in what is going on in my life and lose sight of what is happening around me. More so, lose sight of what my problems mean in the larger scheme of things. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, although what is happening to me is something I’ll never wish on anyone, it is so insignificant when compared to the hardship others go. I had a great weekend these past few days. As I wrote on Friday, I was able to spend it with people who I choose to make my family; people who make me feel loved and make me feel at home, regardless of where we are. It was good to get away from everything for a few days, it was relaxing most of all, and I was able to reflect a whole lot, on this situation, and on my life, my wife.

Saturday night we went out to dinner, and it is funny how life will put you in situations, by chance, that will teach you something, open your eyes, put things in perspective. I met this little girl, my aunt’s niece. She is only twelve years old and has already gone through more than I could ever imagine, and probably handle. My aunt had told me her story already, but as I sat there, listening to her, tell her own story, in a matter of seconds, with a smile on her face, I realized that anything that has or could happen to me, just seemed so small. She was adopted at three and came to this country from Eastern Europe, deaf. She didn’t have one of those great gifts, one of those gifts we take for granted every day of our lives, something that is so natural to us, that we never stop and think of all those people who can’t hear, can’t express themselves, can’t see what we see. But with surgeries, therapy and most of all will power, she can now hear, and to be honest, speak pretty damn well. She can understand you perfectly and talk to you, with no issues; although Siri has some trouble understanding her, but then again Siri can't seem to understand me either!

Unless you saw her hearing aids, or knew her story first hand, you would never know that little girl was once unable to hear you. I was really in owe, seeing her so happy, hyper, full of energy. But what hit me the most I think, was listening to her tell her story, her own story of bravery and determination, although she might not know that yet, not only with a smile on her face, but as if it was nothing, as if she could really do it all over again. And I know that we never know what really happens inside a person, I know it first hand, but in children you see an innocence that we lose when we grow up. It is almost a complete honesty, simply because they don’t know anything different, they don’t know how to hide their feelings and emotions, manipulate them. I think I saw a strength in her eyes that I haven’t seen in a lot of people’s, maybe not even in me. Driving back I kept thinking about it, and again, it helped me understand that my issues are so small. I thought, if she can get through something like that, at only twelve years of age, and come out OK, I should be able to make my peace with my issues.

Seeing this little girl so happy with life, so grateful for what she has and what she has overcome, really put a smile on my face and pushed me to be happier, appreciate more, let loose and love life. There have been few instances in the last couple of months that have really helped me see how much I have been missing in life. This was one of them, and just as with the rest of them, I am and will be forever grateful to it. I have never understood the quote, “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger”; but I think I might be getting there. And I don’t necessarily look at it from a physical perspective, but more so from an emotional one. Things like these, a physical disability, a traumatic event, etc… should really take us down, and it does most people. But then you meet someone who came out stronger rather and you once again believe that with strength, determination and perseverance, anything is possible, anything. Never pray for things to be easy, but rather pray for strength to fight hardship. Stand up to the pain, you’ll find out that it is not half as strong as you are. The struggle of life requires us to be strong within ourselves, yet gentle with others; find that balance and always appreciate what you have. Be thankful for your family, your friends, your health, and the love you receive every day. Life is very interesting, as it is sometimes those great pains that will one day become our greatest strengths.

Family Is About Who You Choose To Make Your Life With

Blood relatives have often nothing to do with family; family is about who you choose to make your life with. I have a great family around me; a great group of people who I choose to call family and who I choose to surround myself with. These are the people, who I entrust with my life, who I would do anything for and who I know would do anything for me. And it is funny, because a lot of these people are not related to me. But these are people who have been there all my life, or have been there when I was down, who have put themselves aside to help me, who will help me no matter what.

The last few days have been very hard, as you can tell by my posts this week. I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of praying, a lot of searching for answers. I have asked God to guide me and to give me the strength to take my life down the path He wishes for me. And I feel I have found some clarity, a little bit at least. I have talked to my wife a bit more often lately and I have realized, after all, that I do love her so much. I know it is hard for some to understand, but it is reality and it is how I feel. I am still trying to search for answers, believe me, for guidance and patience, but I feel God will send me a sign when it is time for me to take action. Someone told me that they were very proud of me and that they loved how much I loved and cared for others. I know I’ve made mistakes before, in life, in my marriage, but I have never stopped loving with all my life and all my strength. And I’d like to think that as long as my core remains the same, my love for others, for my wife, remains the same, all is possible in this world. I am not going to change anytime soon in how I am, I will continue to love, even if I don’t get it back. It is irrational I know, but it is who I am.

This weekend I felt as if I needed to get away. I needed to leave routine behind for a few days and be with people who love me and who consider me family, just as I consider them family. It was a very long drive last night, but it was worth every second, every mile. Being here last night, today so far, has really helped me. And not because we have talked extensively, or because I have found the answers I need to move on with my life, but because I feel at home, because I feel I am in a place where I can be happy, where I can be sad, where I can be whatever I want, and it will be fine. There are not many places like that in this world for me, where I feel at peace, and there are not many people who can make me feel that peace inside, but I think I chose to come because I knew that would be the case. I have second mother here and two more brothers. I know that they will be there for whatever I need and I will be there for whatever they need. It is a funny feeling, because we don’t talk that often, yet when I saw them last night; it was as if we have seen each other every day for years. You only get that feeling with a handful of people in this world and we should learn to cherish those relationships, take care of them and value them like gold. We all need family to get through hard times, we all need to open ourselves and count on that family to help us, to pick us up when we are down and to cheer us up when times get hard. We need them to put that smile back on our face. Family is not just an important thing, it is everything.

We Are Defined Not By How Much We Love But By How Much We Are Loved

I have never been a big believer of Valentine's Day. I don't think I need someone, or something, to tell me when to be nice, when to be a husband. But this year it certainly is hard, simply because I don't have that someone to share it with. I do a lot of things lately because my heart tells me to; and I know, a while back I wrote that it was the heart that was the most deceiving of all. But when you think about it, we have all been there, the heart always has its reasons to lead you down a path, yet there is no reason at all behind them. We do things because we feel it is the right thing to do, even when we know we shouldn't. I great friend told me a while ago, multiple times, to stop following my heart, because it would just hurt me, yet she knew that I would do it anyway, and she would be there to pick up the pieces.

Days like these are days where not only do we show our love for others, but we realize how much we are loved by others. And that is something that we struggle with, a lot of us. A lot of us, me included at times, have a hard time accepting that we are important to others, that we are loved, very much, by others; let that be insecurities, lack of love for ourselves, hanging issues from our childhoods, or mere low self esteem, we find it very hard to let others in and let their love come upon us. I know that I have had that struggle at times, and I know that my wife does as well. It is almost a feeling as if we don't feel to be worthy, or good enough, to be loved by great people, as if we don't deserve love; in a way we question the other person's motives for loving us. But when I think about it, who are we to decide who should and shouldn't love us? Why do we try to convince ourselves that we are not lovable? Regardless of our actions in life, our pasts, there are people who will always love us, because they understand we are human and we make mistakes. I think I said a while back that one of the greatest gifts a person can give is forgiveness. It takes a special person to forgive, to truly forgive, yet sometimes we seem unable to accept forgiveness. I know my wife struggles with this, she seems to think I am unable to forgive her, to love her, or better yet, that she doesn't deserve to be forgiven or loved; yet I do. But again, why do we try to decide for others, what they should and shouldn't do? If we love them, truly love them, shouldn't we accept what they give us, unconditionally? We need to understand that the greatest love of all comes from God and God forgives us all, if we ask for forgiveness; and people of faith follow the same creed, they forgive.

I hope everyone out there can have a happy Valentine's Day, however you choose to define that. I not only hope that you can show someone you love them, but also that you can feel loved by someone. All I ask is that you let those people in, let people love you and understand that we are all worthy of that. We all deserve to be loved, and we are. Dwelling on the past accomplishes nothing, hurts us more and keeps us stagnate. Smile in times of trouble and smile in times of joy. Smile at the future and smile at the past, it makes you who you are; give that smile to those you love and those who love you. Let that smile come from your heart; it is courage for the future, not happiness from the past that should truly bring a smile to us. Think of a smile as your sword in this constant struggle with life, to help you through hard times, to go through hell and come out better. My wife's favourite flower is the iris, and the reason I mention this is because I like to think of flowers, blooming, as God smiling at the world, at us.  As long as you keep smiling yourself, regardless of what is happening in the world around us, it will always be sunny inside of you. Always smile, it is free therapy.

Love Is Not a Feeling of Happiness But a Willingness to Sacrifice

Today is Ash Wednesday and a day we are reminded of the greatest sacrifice that was made for us; it marks the start of the forty days Jesus spent fasting in the desert avoiding Satan's temptations. It has really made me think, think about sacrifices and what they mean to me, and to us. I believe that we can achieve anything in life, if and only if we are willing to give up everything else for it. A question I continue to ask myself, and have been for a while is, what am I willing to sacrifice for my marriage? Am I willing to do anything to save it, repair it? The more I think about it, the more I lean in that direction, but not because I think it is right, but because I know that is what God would want me to do. I know I could have sacrificed more in the past, I wish I could go back and change that, but I can't. And then I asked myself, how much can I do on my own, how much would my sacrifices do on their own? In all honesty, nothing. No one person can save a marriage on their own, a marriage takes two people to form just as it takes two people repair. I've said it so many times, I don't know what is going to happen, but at least I am getting some more clarity. And trust me when I say, it doesn't really affect me as I make progress in my life, because life goes on and I understand that, but it is allowing me to understand what it is that my feelings mean. Today at Mass, I kept asking for the same thing over and over; all I asked is for direction and guidance in understanding what it is that my feelings and thoughts mean. There are a lot of things in my mind lately, and it is hard to make sense of them sometimes. I know God will help me figure it out by showing me the way forward. I know I need to have patience and trust in my faith, as hard as it really is, I know I must do that.

Marriage is all about sacrifice, giving up some of the things you like for the other person, for that person you love and who loves you back. The difference between a good marriage and a great marriage is the ability and willingness to sacrifice. As I said in the title, and have said before, in another way, marriage is not a feeling of happiness but a constant struggle with love and with that person, a complete willingness to sacrifice, for something you believe in, something bigger than you.

Ash Wednesday is just as big a sacrifice, if you think about it, it is you proving that you love Jesus more than you care about looking ridiculous for a day! It is a day for us to remember, reflect, repent and give thanks for everything that was given to us. Today is the start of Lent, a time for us to sacrifice for the one who made us and sacrifice Himself for us. Some of us decide to give up something we love during lent, and I have, beef and pork; and trust me, as much as I eat both, it is a big sacrifice. The idea behind it is not only to sacrifice, but to understand what was done for us and to try to do that for God, for someone else, and for ourselves.

I talked about emptiness a few days ago and I have continued to think about it. But I have realized that in that emptiness I will be able to find myself and I will be able to find my peace in God. No one wants to be alone, and to be honest no one deserves to be alone, we all want and deserve to be loved, to feel loved. But we can't put our desire for love only on someone else, when we know God loves us all, regardless. All he asks from us is sacrifice and humility, for us to repent from our sins and ask for forgiveness.

In this Lenten season I've bowed to be a better person, everyday. To be merciful and to have patience; to understand that we are merely transitional in this world and we play a small part in the large scheme of things. Love involves responsibility and love is sacrifice, for that special person and for God. I know I need to change, and I have, for me, and for those who love me. I know I have to become a better person, I want to become a better person. I've made the choice to sacrifice, for me, for God and for my future; sacrifice is the passion of great souls, you can't have love without sacrifice and you don't have sacrifice without love. In this time of reflection and repentance, find something to sacrifice for, it will make you a better person too.

Illusion Is The Best Cure For Emptiness

I said on Sunday that I felt as if I was falling back in my progress, regressing a bit if you will. And I have continued doing a lot of thinking, yesterday, this morning. It is a very forward type of thinking, a vision of what my life will be, where I am taking myself, or better said, what path is laid down for me, what is my destiny. Of course I don't know what that is and I almost feel an impotence of not being able to steer my life, take it to where I want it to go. It's hard to put your life in someone else's hands, even when you know that someone is God; it is hard being patient most of all. But as I think about what it is that I feel, and why I feel the way I do, again, all I keep coming back to emptiness. What I feel is a giant void inside of me, a hole in me, that used to be filled by someone else, by my love for her and her love for me. I honestly feel as if a part of me is missing. I don't know why I feel this way, trust me. It could be simply routine, not having that person next to me, every day. It could be not feeling loved by that person who you gave everything to. It could be a fear of what is to come, a fear of being alone, a fear of never accomplishing what I set out to accomplish. Regardless, that void is still in me and I can't do anything about it, not now, not anytime soon.

The title said it best, illusion is really the only way we fight emptiness. Love is illusion; love is nothing more than an illusion for a brighter future with someone, the illusion of being with that someone who makes you so happy. Illusion is forward thinking and so is love. When we loose that illusion for what we thought was our path in life, we loose a part of ourselves, we run out of fuel, we feel empty. I am trying to look forward in my life, I really am, but that void remains in me. That void can only be filled with love, with that feeling of meaning something to that one person, something that is not shared with anyone else, something so deep, it means so much more than just friendship. I know I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship and I know I am far from perfect, but one thing that never changed was my love for my wife. I always had that and the promise of eternal love was and will always be there, in a way.

I know this emptiness I feel is only temporary, I know it will pass and most of all I know it will be filled by a new, or renewed illusion, soon. I don't know what that is, and to be honest I would love to know. But God tests us because he knows we can take it. I have asked myself so many times, why did this have to happen to me, why of all people in this world, did he pick me. I thought there were much worse people than me, and I still think I shouldn't deserve to go through this. But then someone told me that the reason why it always seems to be good, strong people who have to go through this, is because God knows we can take it. He knows that we are strong enough, mature enough, faithful enough to get through something like this. He chooses to put us through these tests, because He knows that in the end, we are strong enough to come out better; for us and for those who love us.

It is ironic that it is love which leads us to emptiness, yet it is that same love which will fill that emptiness one day. To love is to become vulnerable to someone else, to open ourselves to being hurt, to heartbreak. Love is expensive, it requires time, effort and a lot of sacrifice; but to be honest, not loving is a lot more expensive. It is that fear of loving which will become your emptiness, which will slowly eat you inside. Emptiness steals the joy out of life, it robs you from dreaming, from illusions. I feel empty, I feel I am missing a big part of my life, and a big part of me, but I know that all I can focus on now is that all new beginnings come from some other beginning's end and that it is love that will one day fill this emptiness in me.

Old Habits Die Hard

The last few days have been really hard and it honestly is really hard to explain why. I have been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of reminiscence to the past and how things used to be. Although I have been getting better inside as time has gone by, memories are hard to suppress forever, they resurface just when we least expect them. It's hard to feel this way again, and trust me it is not as bad as it used to be, but still, I don't want to feel pain inside anymore. I think a lot of the things I do nowadays are in a way to delay me feelings, push them down and not have to deal with them. And trust me, it has worked. It has really helped me see another side of life and allowed me to see a different future, one I never expected I could have. But reality is what it is and we need to face it, we need to embrace it. Some know that I have been doing a lot of work around my house, our house. And to be honest, although it is an ongoing process of destruction, it will look great in the end. But last night I was thinking, as I talked to a friend, that subconsciously, I am almost making all these changes, and adding more changes as I go on, so I don't have to live in my house. And I don't mean that literally, because I don't really have another place to live, but you understand what I am trying to say. As long as my house is, well, not my house, as long as it is a mess, a construction zone, I don't have to face the fact that what used to be ours, is now mine, what we used to do, I now do alone. It is hard enough already to go to sleep at night on the bed we have shared for years, alone. It is hard cooking for one, instead of two, it is hard doing the things she used to always do. It is so hard, every Sunday, to go to Mass and see all these families walk by me, to see all these children walking around. It's so hard not to imagine that it should be you with your family there, with your children in the future, doing those same things. I know that time will come for me, whether it is with my wife or with someone else, and I ask God every time, to give me patience and to show me the way forward. But I am by nature an incredibly anxious and impatient person. I don't like not knowing what my future holds, and even worse, I don't like not being able to control it. I know, and people have told me, that I also have a choice to make. I can be the one to make a choice in this process; but trust me, it is not easy to think about it and even worse to actually make it.

All I can think about are all those memories we have, and it is funny because I think of the good times, I think of the laughter we've had together, I think of the trips we took, all the nights we spent together, our picnics in the living room. I can't seem to focus on the bad, it is almost as if it doesn't matter, and it should; I don't know why. We are creatures of habit and it is so hard for us to change. It might be fear or it might be comfort, who knows, either way I know I can't make that decision, not quite yet. We all become dependent on our habits, they become part of our lives, they almost start to define who we are. And these habits are hard to get rid of, the only way we can loose them is by accepting the fact that we don't need that anymore in our lives; like I said, I'm not quite there yet. I know the day will come when everything will be more clear, I've said it before. But I also know that I need to hope for the best, yet prepare for the worst. It is not a negative approach, it is a realistic approach. Who knows where we'll be in a month, or six. I know I have to continue working on myself and moving forward, remembering the good times, but not letting them control my emotions. I know it is going to be so hard; just when I thought I was doing good, I fell back a bit. And it is fine, it is part of the process, it will make me a stronger person in the end. But I know these thoughts mean something and I have always liked to think that where there is a will, there is a way. The only question is, is there will from both sides? Only time will tell. All I know is that, as I move forward, I need to remember that he who ventures nothing, gains nothing. 

The Essence of a Beautiful Soul Is Gratitude & Love

I said a few weeks back I would start posting some of the things I wrote during the first month or so. And as I read them at night, sometimes, I look back at how I felt back then. It is funny because although a lot has changed, in the way I act, the way I behave and truly the way I live my life, my feelings haven't really changed much. Well, actually they have, I feel more apathy now than I did back then, I have a different perspective on life and I am more focused, if anything. But it is hard to change feelings that one develops over such a long period of time. As much as we try to bury them, and I have, they come up at times, and make you reminisce. I keep my objective approach to life, as much as I don't want to, to be honest. No one wants to go through life not feeling anything, but I suppose it is a defense mechanism, something that will pass, I know that. But last week I was reading some of those things I wrote, and this is something that was not only very hard to read, but very hard to write at the time. I still remember sitting in bad, late at night, writing this, thinking of how I felt and thinking of what it was I wanted to say. I thought long and hard before putting this up, mainly because it is, honestly, something very personal and very close to my heart. Either way, I think it is part of my life, part of my feelings, and after all, that is the purpose of my writing. I think we have all felt this way at some point in our lives and it is hard to think about it, but it is reality. Again, it is hard for me to read this, but hopefully it is will a good read for you...

In these hard times I can’t seem to stop thinking about you, and your hand, me holding it.

There’s something about it, I don’t really know what,
maybe a fantasy, a touch of mystery to you still,
something I can’t understand.

I keep holding on to memories that I probably shouldn’t, I know, but I do.

We all fall victims to monotony, routine, comfort, we all lose that battle sometimes.

And that is why dear,
for showing me a brighter side of life, for helping me be who I am today,

for being next to me and for sharing your love;

I couldn’t fit in a lifetime my gratitude to you.

For tolerating all my hard times, for listening to all my secrets and keeping them to you.

Forgive me for all I did wrong,
I truly thank you for having been mine.

If this letter doesn’t mean much, please tell me, and I’ll take our memories with me.

 All I can promise you is a hope for happiness wrapped in a promise of eternal love,
a hope for a better tomorrow,
a world that continues on from where we once left it.

You have been the woman for whom I’ve learned to love, who’s shown me what loving can mean,
knowing that you loved me and all that you gave me.

I wouldn’t trade our time together, not for anything;
you brought great happiness to my life.

I hope you keep all our memories with you, and that you remember us for what we once were.

We all want love, love keeps us going, brings brightness to our lives.
But I can’t be blind, I know reality and I know who I am.

I try to tell myself there is nothing wrong, but inside I know I am lying to myself.
God will show me how to live and he’ll help me to never forsake.

Maybe I was blind all along, didn’t want to see what was right in front of me,
and at that moment I couldn’t see what life would be.

But through prayer it all became still and I was able to see life and find my reality;
I felt my spirit come alive.

I know love is what I want, love is what I have always wanted;
but I know I don’t need love to know who I am, to be who I want to be.

I’ve already found the greatest love of all, inside of me.

Please don’t cry and please don’t be sorry.
I hope you always find what you’ve dreamed of;
I honestly mean that, from the bottom of my heart.

Wherever life takes you, I’ll be happy,
even if you’re happiness doesn’t include me.

Although all I want to do is lay you in my arms and hold you, just like you like,
I know I can’t.

A lot has changed;
my world has almost slowed down and I live how I believe I should.

But one thing will not change,
I will always love you.

If We Can't Change, We Can't Grow

Change is a big part of everyone's lives, it is what helps us grow and what, in essence, helps us live. If we don't grow and evolve with the world around us, we are not living our lives. I like to look at change as an improvement of ourselves, a decision to better ourselves, for us and for those around us. But any change, even those for the better, come with drawbacks, discomfort; unintended casualties if you will. And I know that we all make the choice to change, or not to change, because we feel it is the best for us; it is a selfish approach. Think about how far you are willing to go, or how much are you willing to sacrifice for the sake of change? How many people are you willing to hurt, or what values are you willing to go against, for the sake of change? In other words, how selfish are you willing to be, for your own good. Shouldn't we all simply worry about ourselves and do whatever it is that makes us feel better? Aren't we all in this world to take care of ourselves first, and the rest after? I honestly don't think so. If we go through life being so self-centered, worrying about ourselves only, our happiness only, our well being only, then that is exactly what we are going to end up with, ourselves only. Now, don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people who end up on the other extreme, being doormats to the world, trying to please everyone else, changing constantly for others, even at their own expense and that is not right either, we should never do that. But finding a balance is honestly not that hard, or at least shouldn't be.

Change for the sake of change is not healthy either. Just because we are bored with something, or someone, doesn't mean we should change, dispose of it; just because we are bored with our car, doesn't mean we should change it. I feel a lot of people in today's society change, simply because they feel it is time, it is the next logical thing. And I mean that at even the grandest of schemes. Change means anything and everything, changing your car, your house, your job, even your marital status. Why change just because you think it is logical? For example why do people get married, simply because they feel it is the logical progression of life? We do people have kids, simply because of the same reason? To be honest, I have no idea, but maybe I have fallen into that category more often that I'd like to admit. We all make conscious decisions every day to change; from small changes to life altering changes. But do we really consider what we are doing when we are doing it? Do we really think about what it means in the larger scheme of things and how it will affect us in the future? Or do we simply do it for instant gratification, to relieve ourselves from a weight that might have been on us and it is simply to exhausting to deal with? It is always easier to change, dispose of what we have and find something new, rather than dealing with pain and trouble. I look at my wife and I honestly see that. I don't know what she is going through, what is on her mind, what she thinks and feels every minute of the days that go by. But I do know that she chose to change for her own sake, for her happiness and for her own well being. I am not saying that she is selfish, or a bad person for that matter; after all we have all done this in one way or another. But maybe her choice to change has more collateral damage than she expected. And even if it does, should she really care? Should anyone care what and who gets damaged in the process of our search for happiness? We are all different and we would all answer that question differently. There is really no right or wrong answer, there are only answers tied to our individual values and principles.

What I am trying to say today is that change is mostly good, this change is what allows us to grow as people, as friends, as husbands and wives, as sons and daughters. But change always comes with a lot of baggage and we need to be conscious of this. Like I said, even the best changes for us, cause pain somewhere else. Not all change is growth, just like all movement is not forward. Change because you want to and not because you feel you have to. Just as we change, life changes as well. When you are in a bad situation, calm down, give it time, it'll change; when you're in a good situation, stay calm, enjoy it, it'll also change. Always remember that just when you think it is all going to hell and you are ready to quit, it is the moment just before a miracle happens; be patient and be open to change, juts be wise about it.