I said on Sunday that I felt as if I was falling back in my progress, regressing a bit if you will. And I have continued doing a lot of thinking, yesterday, this morning. It is a very forward type of thinking, a vision of what my life will be, where I am taking myself, or better said, what path is laid down for me, what is my destiny. Of course I don't know what that is and I almost feel an impotence of not being able to steer my life, take it to where I want it to go. It's hard to put your life in someone else's hands, even when you know that someone is God; it is hard being patient most of all. But as I think about what it is that I feel, and why I feel the way I do, again, all I keep coming back to emptiness. What I feel is a giant void inside of me, a hole in me, that used to be filled by someone else, by my love for her and her love for me. I honestly feel as if a part of me is missing. I don't know why I feel this way, trust me. It could be simply routine, not having that person next to me, every day. It could be not feeling loved by that person who you gave everything to. It could be a fear of what is to come, a fear of being alone, a fear of never accomplishing what I set out to accomplish. Regardless, that void is still in me and I can't do anything about it, not now, not anytime soon.
The title said it best, illusion is really the only way we fight emptiness. Love is illusion; love is nothing more than an illusion for a brighter future with someone, the illusion of being with that someone who makes you so happy. Illusion is forward thinking and so is love. When we loose that illusion for what we thought was our path in life, we loose a part of ourselves, we run out of fuel, we feel empty. I am trying to look forward in my life, I really am, but that void remains in me. That void can only be filled with love, with that feeling of meaning something to that one person, something that is not shared with anyone else, something so deep, it means so much more than just friendship. I know I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship and I know I am far from perfect, but one thing that never changed was my love for my wife. I always had that and the promise of eternal love was and will always be there, in a way.
I know this emptiness I feel is only temporary, I know it will pass and most of all I know it will be filled by a new, or renewed illusion, soon. I don't know what that is, and to be honest I would love to know. But God tests us because he knows we can take it. I have asked myself so many times, why did this have to happen to me, why of all people in this world, did he pick me. I thought there were much worse people than me, and I still think I shouldn't deserve to go through this. But then someone told me that the reason why it always seems to be good, strong people who have to go through this, is because God knows we can take it. He knows that we are strong enough, mature enough, faithful enough to get through something like this. He chooses to put us through these tests, because He knows that in the end, we are strong enough to come out better; for us and for those who love us.
It is ironic that it is love which leads us to emptiness, yet it is that same love which will fill that emptiness one day. To love is to become vulnerable to someone else, to open ourselves to being hurt, to heartbreak. Love is expensive, it requires time, effort and a lot of sacrifice; but to be honest, not loving is a lot more expensive. It is that fear of loving which will become your emptiness, which will slowly eat you inside. Emptiness steals the joy out of life, it robs you from dreaming, from illusions. I feel empty, I feel I am missing a big part of my life, and a big part of me, but I know that all I can focus on now is that all new beginnings come from some other beginning's end and that it is love that will one day fill this emptiness in me.
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