The Essence of a Beautiful Soul Is Gratitude & Love

I said a few weeks back I would start posting some of the things I wrote during the first month or so. And as I read them at night, sometimes, I look back at how I felt back then. It is funny because although a lot has changed, in the way I act, the way I behave and truly the way I live my life, my feelings haven't really changed much. Well, actually they have, I feel more apathy now than I did back then, I have a different perspective on life and I am more focused, if anything. But it is hard to change feelings that one develops over such a long period of time. As much as we try to bury them, and I have, they come up at times, and make you reminisce. I keep my objective approach to life, as much as I don't want to, to be honest. No one wants to go through life not feeling anything, but I suppose it is a defense mechanism, something that will pass, I know that. But last week I was reading some of those things I wrote, and this is something that was not only very hard to read, but very hard to write at the time. I still remember sitting in bad, late at night, writing this, thinking of how I felt and thinking of what it was I wanted to say. I thought long and hard before putting this up, mainly because it is, honestly, something very personal and very close to my heart. Either way, I think it is part of my life, part of my feelings, and after all, that is the purpose of my writing. I think we have all felt this way at some point in our lives and it is hard to think about it, but it is reality. Again, it is hard for me to read this, but hopefully it is will a good read for you...

In these hard times I can’t seem to stop thinking about you, and your hand, me holding it.

There’s something about it, I don’t really know what,
maybe a fantasy, a touch of mystery to you still,
something I can’t understand.

I keep holding on to memories that I probably shouldn’t, I know, but I do.

We all fall victims to monotony, routine, comfort, we all lose that battle sometimes.

And that is why dear,
for showing me a brighter side of life, for helping me be who I am today,

for being next to me and for sharing your love;

I couldn’t fit in a lifetime my gratitude to you.

For tolerating all my hard times, for listening to all my secrets and keeping them to you.

Forgive me for all I did wrong,
I truly thank you for having been mine.

If this letter doesn’t mean much, please tell me, and I’ll take our memories with me.

 All I can promise you is a hope for happiness wrapped in a promise of eternal love,
a hope for a better tomorrow,
a world that continues on from where we once left it.

You have been the woman for whom I’ve learned to love, who’s shown me what loving can mean,
knowing that you loved me and all that you gave me.

I wouldn’t trade our time together, not for anything;
you brought great happiness to my life.

I hope you keep all our memories with you, and that you remember us for what we once were.

We all want love, love keeps us going, brings brightness to our lives.
But I can’t be blind, I know reality and I know who I am.

I try to tell myself there is nothing wrong, but inside I know I am lying to myself.
God will show me how to live and he’ll help me to never forsake.

Maybe I was blind all along, didn’t want to see what was right in front of me,
and at that moment I couldn’t see what life would be.

But through prayer it all became still and I was able to see life and find my reality;
I felt my spirit come alive.

I know love is what I want, love is what I have always wanted;
but I know I don’t need love to know who I am, to be who I want to be.

I’ve already found the greatest love of all, inside of me.

Please don’t cry and please don’t be sorry.
I hope you always find what you’ve dreamed of;
I honestly mean that, from the bottom of my heart.

Wherever life takes you, I’ll be happy,
even if you’re happiness doesn’t include me.

Although all I want to do is lay you in my arms and hold you, just like you like,
I know I can’t.

A lot has changed;
my world has almost slowed down and I live how I believe I should.

But one thing will not change,
I will always love you.