Old Habits Die Hard

The last few days have been really hard and it honestly is really hard to explain why. I have been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of reminiscence to the past and how things used to be. Although I have been getting better inside as time has gone by, memories are hard to suppress forever, they resurface just when we least expect them. It's hard to feel this way again, and trust me it is not as bad as it used to be, but still, I don't want to feel pain inside anymore. I think a lot of the things I do nowadays are in a way to delay me feelings, push them down and not have to deal with them. And trust me, it has worked. It has really helped me see another side of life and allowed me to see a different future, one I never expected I could have. But reality is what it is and we need to face it, we need to embrace it. Some know that I have been doing a lot of work around my house, our house. And to be honest, although it is an ongoing process of destruction, it will look great in the end. But last night I was thinking, as I talked to a friend, that subconsciously, I am almost making all these changes, and adding more changes as I go on, so I don't have to live in my house. And I don't mean that literally, because I don't really have another place to live, but you understand what I am trying to say. As long as my house is, well, not my house, as long as it is a mess, a construction zone, I don't have to face the fact that what used to be ours, is now mine, what we used to do, I now do alone. It is hard enough already to go to sleep at night on the bed we have shared for years, alone. It is hard cooking for one, instead of two, it is hard doing the things she used to always do. It is so hard, every Sunday, to go to Mass and see all these families walk by me, to see all these children walking around. It's so hard not to imagine that it should be you with your family there, with your children in the future, doing those same things. I know that time will come for me, whether it is with my wife or with someone else, and I ask God every time, to give me patience and to show me the way forward. But I am by nature an incredibly anxious and impatient person. I don't like not knowing what my future holds, and even worse, I don't like not being able to control it. I know, and people have told me, that I also have a choice to make. I can be the one to make a choice in this process; but trust me, it is not easy to think about it and even worse to actually make it.

All I can think about are all those memories we have, and it is funny because I think of the good times, I think of the laughter we've had together, I think of the trips we took, all the nights we spent together, our picnics in the living room. I can't seem to focus on the bad, it is almost as if it doesn't matter, and it should; I don't know why. We are creatures of habit and it is so hard for us to change. It might be fear or it might be comfort, who knows, either way I know I can't make that decision, not quite yet. We all become dependent on our habits, they become part of our lives, they almost start to define who we are. And these habits are hard to get rid of, the only way we can loose them is by accepting the fact that we don't need that anymore in our lives; like I said, I'm not quite there yet. I know the day will come when everything will be more clear, I've said it before. But I also know that I need to hope for the best, yet prepare for the worst. It is not a negative approach, it is a realistic approach. Who knows where we'll be in a month, or six. I know I have to continue working on myself and moving forward, remembering the good times, but not letting them control my emotions. I know it is going to be so hard; just when I thought I was doing good, I fell back a bit. And it is fine, it is part of the process, it will make me a stronger person in the end. But I know these thoughts mean something and I have always liked to think that where there is a will, there is a way. The only question is, is there will from both sides? Only time will tell. All I know is that, as I move forward, I need to remember that he who ventures nothing, gains nothing.