A Vida é Amor Em Acção

I have been in Brazil since Monday morning, hence the title in Portuguese, and the trip has been truly fantastic. I have been able to see different places in these past few days, learn a lot of new things, meet great people, gotten to know other people better. It has been great to get away from the routine and, I guess, the real world, for a few days; I really needed it. But I've also had a lot of time to think, reflect in my life and everything that is going on around me. The title says that life is love in action, and I do believe that to be true. During this time I've gotten to think, I have understood that life, should be filled by love and actions of love, to those few we hold close to us.

But anyway; I am not afraid to fly; I have flown a lot in my life and honestly have never been scared to get on a plane. I know that God has a time for me, and whenever that time comes, there is nothing I can do about it. I have learned that in the past couple of months, and to be honest, I know it is true. It is hard to come to that realization, but my faith helps me understand it. It also helps me understand that life is short and we have to make the most of it, I have to take advantage of it. However, I do fear one thing about flying; I fear not being able to come back to those I love; in a way, letting those I love down. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel there are a lot of things I still want to do with all the people who mean so much to me. I want to be there for my nephew as he grows up, I want to start my own family, I want to feel loved again. I know all those things will happen, because God wants those things for me, I know that. But the fear is there. I have said it a few times already, on different posts, different days. Always tell those you love, that you love them, you never know if that will be the last time you talk to them. Going on a trip, as trivial as it sounds and honestly is, really makes you think, is this the last time I talk to them? It is not a negative view on things, it is simply not being blind to the real possibilities we face every day, with every risk we take. I didn't live by what I preached last Sunday, as I boarded that plane. I didn't tell all those people who mean so much to me, that I love them, I only said it to a few. And it got me to thinking. As the plane took off, I thought about it and cried. I thought about, if this is it, those who I love might be left with words other than "I love you" from me. I take these relationships so much to heart, that I don't want to have those feelings. It might sound selfish, because I'm only looking at this from my perspective and what I feel and who I love, but to me that is important. I want to be a good person, I've said it multiple times. And I mean that to heart. I want to be the best I can for all the people who mean something in my life, and I mean all those people. I have learned that it is not worth it to hold resentment inside of us, and it is most definitely detrimental to ourselves to do onto others for the sole purpose of revenge; revenge only hurts he who seeks revenge. We are beings capable of forgiveness, capable to rationalize and understand situations, very complex situations, and that is exactly what has helped me become who I am today.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring as I board yet another plane and embark on my way back home. I don't know what next week holds for me, next month, this whole year, my life... I believe that taking advantage of the opportunities presented to you is the only thing you can truly control. I have realized that it is only my life that I have control over, and that I should stop trying to control and fix other people's lives. I know there is a reason for everything that is happening and I know I have to be patient. I know what legacy I want to leave behind, a man who was kind and a person who did good, a person who loved those who he believed were at his core. There's a few people I hold dear to my heart, people I love, in different ways and at different levels. I'm so sorry if I didn't tell you I loved you before I left, but I do promise you that this time, and from this point forward, you will always hear those words from me. To all of you, and you know who you are, I thank you and I love you, from the bottom of my heart.

Love Is Nothing More Than Exposing Ourselves To The Pain of Being Hurt

I know that sounds negative but if you think about it, it is entirely true. Love is nothing more than the absence of judgement, us becoming vulnerable to someone else, giving ourselves entirely to someone who can take it all away in a second. When we think about the love we have for someone, rational thinking goes out the window. I know it very well. The first month I would have done absolutely anything to make this marriage work, I would have put everything that happened aside, because of love. But as time goes by, rationality sets back in, and mostly due to apathy, a feeling of numbness to everything and everyone around you. And I'm not saying it is right to feel that way, but it is natural, it is part of the process.

But back to love. What really is love? Love is a lot more than just a feeling, a lot more than a feeling for someone. Love is a realization that we no longer are individuals, but that we now share something with someone else. Love is unselfish; it's caring, protecting someone, at all costs. Think of love as the fire on a grill; in the beginning the flames of love are blazing, often very hot and fierce! ;) But as love grows between two people, hearts mature, and love starts to become more like hot coals; slow but steady burning. We sometimes get so caught up on saying those 3 precious words, and what they mean. And don't get me wrong I honestly believe, and I have said it on this blog before, always tell those you love, that you love them, because you never know if that will be the last time you talk to them. But what do those words mean without actions behind them? Love is more-so true devotion to someone else, it is sustained by actions and loyalty, every day. I've said it before and I'll say it again, love is more than just romantic excitement. If it was everyone would be in love after the first date! It is much more than a pure desire to be with someone. I guess to me it is a deep appreciation for someone else, for who they are and who they help you become. It is loving someone for who they choose to be and not who you want them to be, because that would be nothing more than loving a reflection of yourself in someone else.

We all define love differently and I guess what I am saying is that love means different things to all of us. But I think that the purest of definitions is the absolute wish for someone else's happiness. Love is not only being happy when those we love are happy, but feeling pain when they feel pain. I can honestly say I wish for my wife's happiness, whatever that means. I know that if she is happy, I will be happy; that is just the kind of person I am, or better yet, the person I have become and want to be. And that is truly sincere from me, I have always wished that for her, even from the beginning. But I now also wish for my own happiness, wherever and with whomever that may be. I know in the end it'll all be OK, I know I'll be happy and I know she'll be happy. I know that in this process I have met and will meet new people, important people. I said it yesterday, I am open to new opportunities and new ventures, I know life has a plan for me. Always keep love in your heart; a life without love is like a garden without sun.

Don't Worry About The Circumstances, Just Create New Opportunities

I know lately I haven't been writing a whole lot; or at least as much as I did in the beginning. But I'd like to look at that as progress, progress in this journey I am on. In the beginning I had a lot of time in my life, time for me to reflect, time to think of what had happened, time to think of what was to come. And I felt I needed to write, a lot. It helped me so much, that I honestly attribute a lot of my progress to my writing. Simply because it has allowed me to put everything out there and help others in the process. But now, now I've become more active, have gone back to my old self. I stay busier and fill my life with other things, other people. Lately, I've been choosing to write when I'm inspired about a particular subject or something happens in my life. Today, I'd like to talk about new opportunities and new beginnings; really the essence of what keeps us moving forward in life.

I think sometimes we concern ourselves too much with circumstances that we forget to look forward; and I am guilty of that. It is completely understandable, however, for us to feel as if we need to pay attention to our current circumstances, pay attention to what is happening around us and what has happened in the past, because after all it is reality. Sometime ago I talked about freedom, freedom to move on. And when I think back to that, I realize that for me to have the freedom to move forward to new opportunities and to produce results in my life, I need to start living in the present and not in the past. That's easier said than done, but it is what I chose to do.

New opportunities come to us every day. Some bigger than others, some life changing, some trivial. And you must stay open to them, or they will pass you by. You never know in life, when that one life changing opportunity will come, and that is why I choose to make the best of every opportunity that is given to me. Opportunities are gifts, from God I'd like to think, through coincidence, through other people, through life. Life opens up opportunities to you, every day, and you can either choose to take them or choose to be afraid of taking them and missing out. I have learned that sometimes opportunities are disguised as hard work, as trouble, even pain, and that is why people fail to recognize them. But as with anything else in life, greatness only comes with hard work, dedication and sacrifice. I have recently realized that I need to think of myself first and others second, put myself in a position to succeed, and find my happiness. And I know that for it to happen, I need to stay open to any opportunity life throws at me. Things happen for a reason, you meet people for a reason, you find things every day for a reason. And keep in mind that those reasons are truly irrelevant, and you shouldn't try to understand the whys of life. As I do, you should only embrace the opportunities as they come and try; try new things. 

Every day we wake up, could be the day we lose someone we love; it could even be our last day. We never know when those days will come and that is why I think I keep talking about opportunities. Life has a way to give us chances; chances for us to be with people we love, when we didn't expect to be with them, chances to meet new people we would have never met, under other circumstances! I believe, and I tell those I care about, that we need to seize those opportunities and cherish them; don't be afraid of them. Choose happiness over sadness and excitement over fear. Every new opportunity that opens up has good and bad, and sometimes people focus only on the bad, the fear of what could be. But we need to focus on the good, the happiness those opportunities could bring to us, and to others. No one said it would be easy, and trust me, it won't, but why go through life afraid of what life itself can throw at you? In all honestly, there are going to be some horrible things that happen, to all of us. But there is a reason for them and I am starting to see them. Who knows what the future holds, who knows what will happen tomorrow, in a week, in a month... I sure don't, but I know that whatever it is life puts in front of me, through chance, through others, I will be open to it. Opportunities are nothing but a key to a door we have never opened and we have no idea what is behind it. But if we never open it, we'll never find out.

In Looking Back, I Can't Find Anything I Regret

This is a different kind of post than most days. If you think about it, and have read my Blog from the beginning, I didn't really start writing until two weeks after everything happened. The first week was probably the toughest because it was full of confusion and questions, back and forth between love and anger, if you will. Last night while I was laying in bed, I picked up this notebook where I wrote every day for the first week, while I was in Houston. And I thought, all those feelings are important, everything I went through during those days is part of the story, and in retrospect, I have no regrets, not only on what I did, but on how I felt. I thought I would start posting some of those chapters, I thought they need to be here, to tie together everything that has happened and how I have evolved from the very beginning to where I am today. I'm sorry if the writing is scattered but I wrote this throughout the day!

Thursday, December 6th, 2012

Thursday and in the office with Horacio today., I thought it would be good to come today. This place is really nice, I want to steal one of these chairs and send it back to Greenville! If only I could!

Yesterday I told Kelli that as much as I hurt doing it, I couldn't text her or call her anymore. I just couldn't. She said she would text me and call me, so we'll see. She did text me last night, saying "I love you". This only confuses me more. I hope she does, I really do. I hope these are signs of good to come. I only replied, "I love you too". I hope this means something, but I don't know. This morning she texted me to say good morning and that made me happy because it came from her. I just replied and we exchanged some texts, but nothing else. Work is pretty much boring right now, not much to do with production complete for the year! These are supposed to be good times though, but unfortunately they are not. I really hope they can still be, I really do. Still praying a lot, especially to Saint Jude. I feel he was my Grandpa's favorite Saint and I know he will help me. We had lunch today at this Mexican place, delicious. The shrimp we huge and the portions were just gigantic. Everything was really good. It was really nice of Horacio's friend to invite me to their Christmas lunch! I really miss Kelli so much. She is my wife and my best friend, really has been everything for the past 7 years. I know I have to stay positive. Not a whole lot of work this afternoon, so it should be pretty quiet.

We went to the gym after work, and right before we got there, Kelli texted me; just saying that she hoped i was having a good day; I said yes and that I hoped she was too. Took her a couple of hours to get back to me, but then she said she was having a good day too and to say hi to Horacio and Tracey. I only said, "OK, I love you". The more I think about it, I do, but I can't explain why sometimes. It sucks that we have to go through this but that is life. I don't think I'll talk to her today, I really don't, and I wish that I could, but I need to contain myself. If she wants to talk, she can call; I just hope she is not talking to anyone else.

When the night comes it seems to get harder for me; going to bed alone is hard. I don't like it at all and I pray she doesn't either. I hope she calls soon, maybe tomorrow. I was supposed to be at her school tomorrow for career day and I hate that I am missing it. Maybe I can do it another time.

We had some Peruvian chicken for dinner, just me, Horacio and Luca. The little man devoured the fries and ate more ketchup than I had all year! Tracey went out with a friend. After dinner, football and now to bed. I think I am scared of going to sleep and that is why I stay up every night. I don't think I have slept more than 3 hours in the past week. I need to go to sleep though.

So the best thing just happened to me! It is close to 2am and I was sitting in bed, trying to go to sleep when I heard Luca in his room. I walked over and he was standing in his crib, just holding on to the rails. I picked him up and help him and brought him to me bed. He laid on me with his eyes wide open for a few minutes, so quiet, then fell asleep. He slept on me for a few minutes and then I just took him back to his crib. He seems so peaceful, it really was a great feeling! I think this has made me realize how much I really want kids. I know it is what I want and I thought it was what Kelli wanted as well. We have talked about it and were both on board, but things seem to have changed. Anyway, I need to fall asleep, the lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me. Tomorrow will be another day, we'll see what happens.

It's funny to read this and think of how much things have changed and how I put myself out there at the time and didn't get anything back. I honestly don't know what the future will bring, but I know I can't look back. Think about it, looking back will only get me into an accident, because I am going to run into something I didn't see. I'd much rather look forward than look back. I don't regret anything I felt or anything I did back then and even now. I am who I am today because of everything in my past and all I hope is that the future is much brighter.

We All Realize That With Technology Come Unintended & Undesirable Consequences

If it wasn't for Thomas Edison we would still be reading under candle light, and if it wasn't for Steve Jobs' vision, we wouldn't have the iPhone today. Technology has given us all the great things that surround us, all those things that make our lives not only easier, but more enjoyable. But I also think that technology has taken over the world, in a sense. We have this idea that technology has all the answers, we rely so much on it, as to almost not only expecting to do everything for us, but to an extent feel for us. But what happened to human interaction? What happened to calling people and talking, listening to someone else's voice, listening to the way things are said, their tone of voice, their mood. We have gotten so caught up in smiley faces on text messages, that we feel we know people after 5 minutes, or 5 texts, after meeting them. What happened to building relationships based on people's characters and personalities, and not so much on their profile pictures, Facebook updates and latest Tweets?

I feel we now live in a world where the current generation has an obsession with sharing everything with the world, to see how many "Likes" they can get on their status updates. Whatever happened to talking to friends, spending time with those people who mean something in your life, those who you consider family. So many people feel as if they can live their lives through technology with no, or little, need for human interaction. I remember growing up, not that long ago by the way, when we talked to girls in middle school and your personality actually meant something, you got nervous and stuttered, didn't know what to say. Nowadays it seems that the youth of the world has forgotten how to look up, since their heads are always staring down at the phone, or at the ground. Everyone seems to hide behind text messages, and Facebook, that I feel we are loosing human empathy, the ability to feel something for someone else, someone who is in front of you. Look around you at these kids and you'll see what I'm talking about. What ever happened to actually feeling something because you talked to someone, because you felt a connection with someone; someone who looks at you in the eyes and talks to you. Why do we pay so much attention to the smiley faces on our texts? Why are we always feeling the need to update our Facebook status and tell the world all the great things happening? Haven't you noticed that Facebook is only filled with happy relationships and marriages? I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, wish to all of my friends out there, that your relationships are as good as Facebook makes them out to be.

Why do we do things, with technology, that we feel as if we need to hide them? Technology has given us a great way of life, an easier way of life as I said earlier. But we have forgotten the maybe unintended and sometimes undesirable consequences that come with this gift. With smart phones now everywhere, even in the hands of eight year-olds, it is so easy to conceal things, do things that we know are wrong, but we also know we can't get caught doing, that we feel almost invincible, untouchable; it gives us a rush, a feeling of excitement. I feel we have gotten to a point where some are almost using all the right technology for all the wrong reasons. We need to go back to a world where personal interactions are the norm, where we call rather than text, where we put more emphasis on human connections rather than convenience. I know we have to adapt to technology because it is what's around us, but sometimes life is much more than what makes sense on paper. Just because we have it available to us, doesn't mean we have to replace human emotions with it. We need to use technology for what it is and not let it take over us. It can't feel for you and it can't convey your feelings to others, no matter how many smiley faces and LOL's you use. Talk to the people who really matter to you, and I mean actually talk to them. I know I am really bad at that and should do it more often. I am guilty of all the things that I've rant about here, but I have realized that technology can really hurt people and relationships. Humans have the ability to feel, to hurt, to cry and to laugh, machines don't. Pay attention to what really matters and you'll realize that your iPhone, iPad, Facebook and so on, mean nothing when compared to the sound of the voices of the ones you love.

Moving On Is a Simple Thing, What It Leaves Behind, Not So Much

We learn at a young age that sometimes it is better to let things go, move on to the next thing. And as we grow up, we continue to face situations like this. At work, at home, with the family, sometimes we just need to take the high road, if you will, let go of an argument for example, and move on. I wanted to talk about moving on; most specifically moving on in life, or with our lives. We all know that throughout our lives we are going to encounter trouble, heartache, deceit, a lot of pain; it being because of something like what is happening to me, the death of a loved one, loosing your job, etc... But we all get to a point after whatever it is that happened to us, when we realize that unless we keep our heads up and look forward, leave the past behind, we will never get better and life will pass us by. And when I say that, I don't mean forgetting the past, ignoring it because it hurt us; I mean using that past, that heartache, as motivation for the future, as fuel to achieve whatever it is that we have set ourselves to achieve.

I said a few weeks ago that people can react to bad memories two ways; they can use it as motivation or they can choose to victimize themselves. I choose to use what has happened to me as motivation for my future, to achieve what I know is what I want and to move on. I understand you can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, and although that might not be the case quite yet, we might get there one day, soon; and I know now I'll be ready for it. I read a poem by Pablo Neruda that I thought was very powerful and I felt speaks for me. Here is an excerpt:

Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you, little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land

It is really such a powerful piece, because it shows that regardless of how much we try to hold on to something that we love so much, if there is no reciprocity to that feeling, then we must let it go. I've thought about unconditional love and what that really means, if it really is real. But think about those two words for a second; they truly are one of life's great paradoxes. There is no such thing as unconditional love. We give love to someone with the condition of getting love back. When the love for us is gone, so is the love we give.

Let's talk about the title; I think it perfectly explains my current state of mind. I have chosen to move on, continue my life as it is today, and don't let this bring me down and affect the rest of what makes me, well, me. And that is pretty easy to do to be honest. It is nothing more than a choice and a state of mind, a decision to make the best of my current situation and live my life. But what is left behind, well that is a much different story. I think that is why I have struggled so much, it is because all the memories, good and bad, all the things that we have gone through; all those things are almost impossible to leave behind. I feel as if these things follow me, and with reason, to be honest. How could I possibly just let all of those things go? It would be robotic of me to do so. But I choose to look at it this way; I think all those things, all those great memories we have together, those great times we lived together, so many of them, they make me who I am today, they are part of my life and will be forever, regardless of whether or not we end up together. And it is something that has taken me a long time to accept. A few weeks back, when I decided to move on and live my life as it is, I thought it would be easy, that I would just block these things from my mind and my memory and move forward. But I can't, I just can't. These things are with me, every day. You have to understand that so many years together, so many things done together, virtually everything around you day in and day out, triggers some kind of memory; and that happens to me every day.

I chose to move on for one reason, and that is because I wanted sanity back in my life; I wanted my peace back, I wanted to be me again. And last Sunday at church I heard something that stuck with me and shines light on the whole idea of moving on. He used the analogy of finding shark's teeth on the beach and how not everyone finds them. He said that the shark's teeth are always there, but only those who are looking for them can see them. And then I thought, when we are closed minded, closed to life, we miss things, opportunities and new people pass us by, but when we open ourselves up to what is around us, we see new things. The idea of opening up to the world, opening our eyes, doesn't necessarily put new things in front of us, it simply allows us to see those things that have always been there. Cry as much as you need to, forgive everyone for the things they have done to you, learn from the past and don't be afraid of the future; and after all of that, move on, for yourself and not for anyone else.

Honesty Should Be The First Chapter in The Book of Life

The only way to attain honesty in our lives, is to not only be honest with those who are honest with us, but also with those who are not. Honesty is one of the pillars of life, and society for that matter, and like I said in the title, it should be the first chapter of our lives. I'd like to think that honesty, in the long run, is always the best policy. I know we always feel like we can get by with a few lies here and there, white lies if you will, because it is simply easier; or maybe we just don't want to hurt anyone. I know I've done it and continue to do it. But honesty is always the best policy. I try to think that I would do more harm to someone by my falseness of trying not to hurt them, than by the honesty of trying to hurt them. It is hard to get this concept through our heads, because after all, it is somewhat of a paradox, it doesn't really make sense or is rational. How can we possibly be doing better unto someone by trying to hurt them? I think back to my case, and I think it would have been much easier on me to know the truth and all the truth upfront. Yes, it would have hurt, a whole lot. But honesty brings clarity and clarity gives you peace of mind and peace of heart. I think a lot of times we try to convince ourselves that our dishonesty is justified because we are trying to protect someone, not hurt them. But why do we feel that we are entitled to decide, for someone else, what is better for them. Honesty will always be the best policy. Honesty is the foundation of our lives, it is what gives us tranquility and cleanliness of heart, a clean conscience, things that bring happiness to life.

But to be honest with you, often times honesty hurts, a lot. But I feel that I can respect those people, those people who are honest with me. And that is simply because I know that if they can tell me those hard things, those things that they know will hurt me, but they also know I need to hear, then I will always know that they have my best interest at heart. Good friends and family are those people who feel they can be blatantly honest with you because they need to, and you will appreciate it. Think about these three words: honesty, respect and loyally. These are three words that in my opinion should always go together. How could you have one in your life without the others? If you respect someone, then you should be loyal to that person and be honest with that person, right? I think with respect comes honesty, and for the longest time I felt disrespected. I felt disrespected that the person who I thought was closest to me, didn't feel as if she could be honest with me. How can you build a relationship, in life and in business, without honesty. It would be like trying to build a house on quick sand, it'll eventually sink and fall apart.

We need to remember that the truth matters, always has and always will, that we don't play by our own rules in life and we don't decide for others; we don't take shortcuts because they are easier and that all we achieve needs to be achieved by us. I've talked about a clean conscience and you can think of your conscience as a measure of your honesty, or selfishness.  Love in it of itself requires a clean conscience, and honesty. A way to look at it is that honesty will not always bring a response of love, but it is definitely essential to love.

The goodness of people relies on character - purity, honesty, loyalty, respect, moral courage, if you will. But above all this is relies on how we treat others. Honesty gives people the freedom to be themselves, to talk about things they wouldn't otherwise. Honesty promotes an environment of cleanliness and peace, of openness. Life comes down to honesty and doing what is right, not only for us, but for others. I truly believe in certain things in life. I believe in family, I believe in a good time, I believe in good food, I believe in people and the power they have to make a difference. I believe in intelligence over force and most of all I believe in the power of honesty.

The Only Way to Achieve Freedom is to Tear Down The Wall; And Right Now I'm The Wrecking Ball

Freedom can mean many different things to different people. But I think the feeling of freedom in it of itself, that feeling of peace, is something that has to come from within us, something that sprouts from our hearts and our minds. And what I mean by that is that freedom is not something that can be given to us or should be given to us for that matter, it is not something that we are necessarily entitled to; it is something that we must take. Think of all those people who have redefined history by fighting for freedom, fighting for equality. They never waited for someone to give it to them; they sacrificed in the quest to take that, for them and for others. In the words of MLK Jr., "Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor, it must be demanded by the oppressed". 

I honestly believe we are the only ones responsible for our freedom. But freedom is much more than being able to do whatever we want, whenever we want. It is the combination of a lot of things, of a good conscience, good health, prosperous futures. To have true freedom, we must be willing to do anything for it, be willing to sacrifice for it. But keep in mind that with freedom comes responsibility, comes the frightening prospect of having to grow up, take ownership of our actions and live with the consequences; and this is something a lot of people can't do. We have all been blessed with the ability and right to make our own choices, to seek our own happiness and fight for our own freedom, however you define it. And in that journey we often times make mistakes, hit road blocks, encounter people who want to oppress our freedom. But I think freedom is just as much what we do with what has been done to us. How do we use our pasts, our memories, those we try to repress, to move forward, how do we use those as motivation for the future. 

To achieve freedom we must also be willing to give freedom. Let those close to you be free, for themselves and for you. It means letting those people tell you what they want to tell you, even when you don't want to hear it; and you doing the same for them. It is fighting with and for others, for their freedom. It is being there for a brother, for a sister, for a friend. Freedom is much more than we make it out to be. Freedom is forgiveness, cleanliness of heart and and understanding that we are simply a small piece of something a lot bigger and a lot more important than us. But like I said, we must be willing to pay the price of freedom; and sometimes this can be a high price to pay.

I have talked a lot about family and friendship. These are the people who help each other, in good and bad times. These are the people who let you have total freedom to be yourself, and feel whatever it is you want to feel. It doesn't matter to them how or what you feel at any particular moment. Real love for someone is letting that person be whatever and whoever they really are. Find your freedom, wherever that may be, but always keep in mind that freedom is never free.

Gratitude Is Not Only The Greatest of Virtues But The Parent of Others

Religion has always been a big part of my life; I try to go to church as much as I can, I pray, and I think most of all, I believe in something that I know is bigger than me. And during these past weeks, I feel like I have become more devoted if you will. I don't try to ask God to solve all my problems because, well, I think He has more important things to do, but I do ask for guidance, patience and wisdom. I ask that He shows me what this all means and how I should move forward, that He gives me patience to tolerate others, to understand others and I thank Him for all He has done for me. But I also know that it is up to me to make it all happen; it is up to me to take whatever guidance I receive and use it wisely. As a good Catholic, I normally will try to pray the Rosary, or my prayer to Saint Jude, which I got from my Grandfather, but not long ago someone gave me this prayer from the Book of Psalms, Psalm 40. It really touches on gratitude and everything we ask for when we go through something tough, when life is unfair to us you could say. Here it is...

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. 

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,

who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.

The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;

were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,

but my ears you have pierced;

burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

Then I said, "Here I am, I have come-- it is written about me in the scroll.

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;

I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;

I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.

I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;

may your love and your truth always protect me.

For troubles without number surround me;

my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.

They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.

Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;

O LORD, come quickly to help me.

May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion;

may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.

May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you;

may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!"

Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.

You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

I'm not going to try and analyze this, because who am I to try to do that. But I will tell you what I got out of it. It is amazing how after you read this a few times you really see two sides to this prayer. First off it is gratitude, a gratitude for everything that has been done for us, everything God sacrificed for us. But then it turns into a prayer for help, asking God to help us in these hard times, putting ourselves out there, as if we can't do this alone. And I agree; to be honest I don't think I would be where I am today if it wasn't for my faith and everything that encompasses it. I think that is what has kept me going, and most of all, what has kept me believing, even until today, that in the end, it'll all be OK. Trust me, and I know I have said it many times, it is very hard to accept something like that, but you do, because you believe that God has a plan for you. I do believe that, and I need to be patient. Whatever needs to happen will happen, I know there will be bumps in the road, maybe even road blocks. But in the end, we need to be ready for whatever life brings us. Always be grateful for everything you have, thank God and thank all your family and friends for everything they have given you. Be thankful for what you have and you'll end up with more. If you only focus on what you don't have, you'll never have enough.

I Like Intelligent Women - When You're Together, It Shouldn't Be a Staring Contest

As men we sometimes forget the power women have over our lives, the influence they have over us and all the joys and sorrows they give us. And let me be clear, I am talking about all the women in our lives, wives, mothers, sisters, in laws, friends, etc... It is funny because we don't really realize, until we are older, that it is all these women who have such an impact on us.

A few days ago I wrote an entire post about my mom, really the woman who has made me the man I am today, the one who taught me all my values and morals, the one who fought for me so much. Another woman in my life is my sister in law, someone who I have now known for over ten years. Saturday was her birthday, so a big Happy Birthday goes out to her! She has really shown me so much support during this time, she invited me into her family's home for Christmas, and has all throughout been there for me. I have learned over the past few weeks, so much about her, and have really learned to respect all she has done, not only for me, but for her family, her husband, her son. She is someone who has such a strong personality and character, and someone who I feel really truly cares about me. She sent me something a few days ago, an excerpt, that really applies to me and has somewhat opened my eyes. It comes from the book "The Time Traveler's Wife"; not something I want to read right now, mainly because I don't want more sadness, but here is the short excerpt...

"It is so hard to be left behind.

I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he is OK.

It is hard to be the one who stays. I keep myself busy, time goes faster that way.

I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I'm tired.

I watch the wind play with the trash that has been under the snow all winter.

Everything seems simple until you think about it.

Why is love intensified by absence?"

"Long ago men went to sea, and women waited for them,

standing on the edge of the water, scanning the water for the tiny ship.

Now I wait for Henry. He vanished unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him.

Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity.

Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass.

Through each moment I see infinite moments lined up, waiting.

Why has he gone where I cannot follow?"

Of course I don't wait for Henry! But the point, I think, is pretty clear. It is very hard to be the one left behind and it is hard for us to come to grip with that reality. I know I have said that before, but I think what I really want to talk about today, is how we can't just sit and wait. You read this excerpt and truly, it is so sad, and I am sure the book is probably sadder. But I think this opened my eyes to reality, a reality where you simply cannot sit and wait. Someone left me a comment on a different post a few days back which said, you can't wait for permission to move on. And whoever that was, is so right. I think I am finally able to move on in the sense that, I've accepted and faced reality, I've made it my reality. And it doesn't mean I forget about what is going on, because I don't know what the future holds, but I've accepted that now I live in a new reality, and to be honest it is a good feeling. Sometimes these realizations just come to us, and it did to me, throught things that happened. In the words of Steven Tyler,

"It's Amazing,

With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright"

I was finally able to truly, honestly not worry about things these past few days. I was able to just live life and have fun I guess. I realized life is too short to be spent worrying about things you simply cannot control. We'd drive ourselves crazy trying to do so! I know, and really have known for a while, that I cannot control this situation, never have been and never will. And to be honest, I don't want to try anymore. I didn't make these decision, I just reacted to life. We have to be quick to react and bounce back, remember I said earlier, life won't wait for us. These past few days, for the first time in over a month, I was finally able to actually have fun, do things I want to do, not think of the past. Things in life happen for a reason and sometimes we over-analyze them and other times we under-analyze them; and in all honesty, we shouldn't do either. We should take things for what they are, be objective, realistic. But regardless of all else, I have learned one thing; that it is the women in our lives that are usually right. Women have a way of making the highs higher and at the same time, the lows more frequent. And we take both. There is no doubt that women have always been the stronger ones, emotionally, spiritually, and even often times physically. Listen to the women in your life, they will more often than not lead you in the right direction.

Cooking Is a Lot Like Love, You're Either All In or Not In at All

Anyone who knows me knows that cooking, and food, are a big part of my life. I love to cook and I love to eat. I don't know why, but I'd like to think that it is because I have always been around food, always been around cooking. Growing up in Peru, eating is much different than it is here. Food is something that brings the family together, brings people together. It is a time to sit down and talk, a time to share with those we love. And I think I have forgotten about that part. Lately, eating has become more-so something we have to do, we sit in front of the TV and eat, and don't talk to each other. I don't really know why, maybe we became complaisant about things, each other, who knows. But cooking, that is a different story. My love for cooking is something that I grew up with. I have been cooking all my life that I can remember. I know I get that from my Dad, but I also get it from my Grandma I'd like to think. Always being around her growing up, her cooking at her house; those are great memories. But it was when I moved to the US, and being more around my Dad, that I really started to take it more seriously and started to, I guess you could say, get better at it. And trust me, I have loved to cook well before it became cool, it became mainstream. I love to cook and I cook pretty much every day, for me and for my wife, for my family. I'd like to think of that time as a time where I can relax, be myself. I love that I have that in my life, but I also know that I can be very controlling in the kitchen, evil! I know that I need to let people in a little more, let them help me if you will. Cooking should be a family thing, it should be something we enjoy doing with other people, with those we love, that only makes it more fun, more rewarding.

But why do I say that love is a lot like cooking? Is it really? I honestly think so, and like I said, the reason being that you're either all in or not in at all. Cooking is something you have to be passionate about, it is an art, I think. I see my Dad cook and I can honestly say, cooking is an art. We have to put all we have into it, to get the real essence of food out. The same happens with love, with marriage, even with friendship. We have to give it our all, we have to be fully committed, we have to be passionate about it. I know that if this marriage is ever to work out, ever, there will have to be passion involved. And I don't mean that in the romantic sense, I mean it as a passion that you want something so badly that you are willing to do anything for it, anything to achieve it; as an athlete would, you could say. I've said it a million times, love and marriage are very hard, are a struggle with someone else, a constant give and take, a constant compromise. And it is a two sided relationship, all those things have to come from both sides. I guess you could look at cooking the same way. Cooking is hard, cooking is a struggle, a struggle to learn what goes with what and what doesn't. I know in my life I have made some really bad food, but I learn from it and move on, learn not to do it again. Love is the same way, we make mistakes and we learn from them, we move on and we don't make those mistakes again. But I think the key to both is realizing that you have made a mistake, accepting it and facing it. I don't know what is on my wife's mind, I really don't and I wish I could send a minion in there to look and let me know! But does she realize she made a mistake? Has she realized that before? I don't know, and to be honest it doesn't matter until I hear it from her. Think about all those cooks and chefs who make terrible food but think they are great. Until you accept your mistakes, you cannot become a better person, a better cook. Learning to accept mistakes is part of growing up, part of maturing and part of learning how the world really works. We all go through that phase and it is tough, but we learn it is the right way to live life.

I want to leave you with this, we have to focus on the purity of love and marriage and try to leave distractions aside, try to forget those little things, that sand I talked about a few days back. Think about it this way, think about it as a turkey with stuffing. The turkey represents love and marriage in their pure state, and they are beautiful things; a turkey is a beautiful thing. But then you add stuffing inside and to be honest all you do is add mass to the turkey, unnecessary things to the marriage. All that happens in the end is the turkey takes longer to cook and ends up dry. Think of a marriage the same way, the more unnecessary things you add to it, the more it will dry out. I know that now and I know, if that day ever comes, that there are things that need to change, work to be done, stuffing to take off. Always keep that in mind, leave the turkey alone, it is great just the way it is. 

Getting Through to a Loved One is Sometimes as Hard as Getting a Couch Through a Door

Why does that always seem to be the case? Why do we have such a tough time getting through to those we truly love? I wish I had the answer, trust me, it would make all my problems much easier to solve. I met with my wife last night, and to be honest I thought it was a good talk. We didn't really argue or fight, we just talked, what was on her mind, what was on mine, how she was feeling, etc... She kept telling me that there is a part of her that really wants to come back, make things work, be home, like it used to be, but then again, there's this other part that doesn't, a part that fears, I think, being stuck in a horrible situation for the rest of her life. That might a little too harsh, but it is reality. All this just plays tricks on my mind, and I don't really know what to do or feel. In the past couple of weeks I have learned to cope with this reality, one that includes me only. I honestly, before yesterday, thought my wife would not come back, ever, and I told her that. But now she is considering it? She feels conflicted, as if she doesn't want to loose me. But what does that mean? Does she not want to loose me as a friend, or as a husband? Let's assume it is the latter, then why doesn't she come back? What I struggle with is the understanding of the feelings from the other side of her, those telling her not to come back. How strong are these feelings, or is it simply a fear of what is to come, and a lack of commitment to suffer for a while for something you believe in. I know, for a fact, that if this is ever to work out, it will get  a lot worse before it gets any better; and that is something we both have to accept and be willing to live, together. But there will be a time for that, if it ever comes.

But how does all this make me feel? I honestly don't know. Until yesterday, I thought there was no chance for this. I hadn't heard from her in a while, other than a text here and there, and I thought she had moved on with someone else, in fact I wrote about that yesterday. But things have changed, in a way anyway. I still continue to have a very focused approach to things, a very realistic and objective approach if you will. I know what the reality is and I know that it hasn't changed, even after our talk last night. I am doing good and I am proud of that, but that doesn't mean I am over my wife. It would be ridiculous for me to say that, it would be a lie. And I struggled last night to get this through to her. She kept saying that I was doing fine and better without her, and I tried to explain that I was doing good but not necessarily better without her. The two don't mean the same thing, at all; and to be honest, how could I possible be doing better without her? That makes no sense, at least not right now, today. I told her I have moved on, but because I had to not because I wanted to, that was not my choice. I have fought for this, and when I say that, I mean that I am still here, after all this there is a part of me that still wants to fight, but it gets smaller and smaller every day. Fighting for this marriage doesn't mean chasing after her, that wouldn't be right, it means that I am willing to do anything, sacrifice anything, for the commitment I chose to make. I have been there for the longest time, but I've also  realized I have to protect myself and my feelings, look forward and prepare for the worse. It is not a negative approach to life, at all, it is a realistic approach to the situation. I don't know how I'll react if she ever decides to come back home, work things out, I just don't know and it scares me. But that will be something I'll have to face if that time comes. I know God has a plan for me, and I don't know what that is right now. But I know that whatever it is, I'll be fine, in the end. I know I have to stay true to myself, what I believe in, my principles and values, all that makes me, well, me. She knows that, she knows better than anyone else who I am as a person, and she also knows that after she makes a decision, I have to make one too, and I can't guarantee how I'll feel then; we'll just have to wait and see what comes next. But always remember that just as if you where trying to fit a couch through a door, if you push too hard, something will break.

One Good Thing About Music, When It Hits You, You Feel No Pain

That was said by Bob Marley, and I'd have to agree 100%. Music plays such a big part in our lives and yet we don't really realize it. I know that music has helped me so much during this time, and it is funny how songs I have listened to for so long, all of the sudden start making sense. I am not much to really listen to the lyrics of songs, other than the chorus, so often times I don't really know what the songs are about. But in the past couple of weeks I have really started to listen to music; and it is amazing how many songs out there are about pain, pain from other people. But it helps, it really helps to hear these songs, and to be honest, sing them out loud, at the top of your lungs! To quote Reba McEntire, "For me, singing sad songs often has a way of healing a situation. It gets the hurt out in the open into the light, out of the darkness". For me, it is almost a way of talking to my wife, of telling her how I feel, what is on my mind, screaming as hard as I can, to get it all out of me; it feels really good!

There have been so many songs in these past weeks that have really spoken to me. Some new songs and some that I had been listening for a very long time. And like I said yesterday, it is funny how life works, because it will play a random song, out of hundreds and hundreds, that really applies to you and your situation. One song that came up this morning, again, after coming up yesterday, was Payphone, by Maroon 5. I've always liked the song, nothing special though. But then last night, I actually listened to the lyrics and got to think about it. I'd like to think that my situation and my relationship are a lot like a payphone. I mean, payphones are normally for one way use, and I am standing on that end, calling and calling, trying to fix this, trying to truly reach my wife, and no one is answering on the other side. It is frustrating to be honest and it demoralizes you in the beginning, but you get to a point when you simply hang up, and walk away. One thing I keep asking myself is, am I ready to move on, to walk away, truly, after all these years? Have I reached that point, where there is nothing else to be done or salvaged anymore? I don't really know and I don't think I'll know until that day comes, if it ever comes, when my wife decides to come back. It is something that I can't answer, and trust me I have tried to play every possible situation in my mind. The hardest part is that, even after all that has happened, I still love her, and that is because she is still my wife. But only time will tell and only time will heal. And there is no point in speculating, it'll only make things worse. So back to the song I was talking about. When I listened to the words, closely, they touch on so many things I'd like to tell my wife, scream at her, but I don't, I choose not to, because I know it is only impulsive, I don't really mean it. Here is a short excerpt from the song...

Yeah, I know it's hard to remember, the people we used to be
it's even harder to picture, that you're not here next to me,
you say it's too late to make it, but is it too late to try?
and in our time that you wasted, all of our bridges burned down

You turned your back on tomorrow, 'cause you forgot yesterday

I gave you my love to borrow, but you just gave it away

you can't expect me to be fine, I don't expect you to care

I know I said it before, but all of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights, you turned out the lights

now I'm paralyzed, still stuck in that time

when we called it love, but even the sun sets in paradise

I know that me telling her these things won't help the situation, and if anything, it will make it worse. And after all, like I said, I know it is impulsive more than anything, not really how I feel deep inside. I know that time will come for me to tell her everything I need to, to get everything of my chest and tell her everything she made me go through. But that time is not now and won't be anytime soon. I know I have to be calm and be a better person, be an adult. I read that music is what washes away the dust of everyday life. I know music has helped me and will continue to do so. Through other people's words and experiences, I know I can get everything out in the open, clean my soul of bad memories, wash away all the pain and sorrow. There is nothing like music to help uplift your spirit and make you smile. It is still hard to face reality, even when I have accepted it. It is very hard to realize that your wife left you, a man, for a child, someone who is not, and will never be, half the man I am. But it is what it is and there is no use in crying over spilled milk, what's done is done. Just keep in mind that those who sing will always find a song and those who love, will always find love.



To an Exciting & Prosperous New Year

First of all Happy New Year to everyone and congrats to my Clemson Tigers for the incredible win they pulled out last night when no one gave them a chance! Today I want to talk about new beginnings, new adventures, the essence of the new year. As with all the holidays and special occasions that have passed during this time in my life, Anniversary, Christmas, last night was no different. It was another very hard night. Last night was a night that I have been used to being with my wife, a night we have celebrated together for so many years and, well last night I couldn't even have told you were she was. I don't know what she was doing, who she is with, whether she was safe or not, or anything else for that matter. I know she has moved on and I know I keep saying that, but I am still waiting to hear it from her. I don't know why she just won't tell me; I know she is scared. I wondered last night if I would hear from her; after all I did hear from her on Christmas and our Anniversary; I really thought I would hear something for sure. And just as I thought, I did, at 12:02, "Happy New Year". But I again ask, what does that mean? Why do I seem to hear from her only on special occasions? Are these days hard for her? Is it guilt, or does she just happen to think of me at these particular times? Why not any other time? Or am I over thinking this... To be honest, I did not know what to answer. What do I say, did I think? Do I reply back, "Happy New Year"? Do I really mean that? Does she really mean that?

I finally replied, "To you too", hours later. But then I kept asking myself, why all of the sudden, why now, does she send me something, again? I honestly have no clue, and it really confuses me as to why she does that. If it is guilt, acting out, then why does she keep doing the things she is doing? Or does she think I sit at home crying all day and she needs to throw me a bone, because she is doing good? Remember I said yesterday, she is the one who has found someone else, so she has a distraction if you will, an infatuation, to keep her busy. But then I think, does she really truly miss me? I mean that would make sense too, right? Seven year of your life can't just be thrown away. Who knows why to be honest, but for me, well, the world keeps on going and I keep going around with it, taking care of responsibilities, living in the real world. But for sure I don't sit at home and feel sorry for myself, in fact, quite the opposite! And I hope I can continue to get better, as I have been over the last week. I know this will take time and effort from my part, but I know I'll be OK in the end.

When we start a new year we all have resolutions, things we want to accomplish in the coming year, goals we set for ourselves. Some of us want to work out more, lose weight, some want to get closer to God, others spend more time with the family. Resolutions can truly be anything and it is up to us and only us to make them come true. I wonder what my wife's resolutions are? I don't know and honestly I don't care right now. But then again, what are my resolutions? What do I want to accomplish this year, in my life? Well, there are the obvious things, the golf balls; make sure I understand what happened in my marriage, find new beginnings, find new friends, meet new people, get closer to old friends, spend more time with my family. And then there's also the smaller things, the pebbles if you will; run a marathon, excel at my job, work on my house. But I think most of all, my resolution for this year is to continue to be the person that I am today, that strong person who can endure anything, that person who won't let anything or anyone take him down; that is truly a person I am proud to be. A resolution is truly a test of character. It is our character that will drive us, or not, to complete our resolutions, to continue after all the excitement has gone away. Those who give up after a few days or weeks, lack the commitment and don't really have the drive to continue once that excitement is gone.

Today was also a very hard day, for multiple reasons. Not only is it the first day of the year, a day to be lazy with those we love, a day to get ready for what is to come, but today was the day my brother left to go back home. Him and his family had been here with me for a while now. As you know I spent Christmas with them and then they came to stay with me. But today they had to go home, so I am back alone. And I am not going to lie, I really miss all of them. I miss the company, I miss the love and the support they gave me through all these days. But it is funny how the world works, just when you get down and are having a bad day, you get something, a message, that cheers you back up. It shows you that people still think about you, just when you think no one does.

But I know now that from this point forward it is me, by myself, on a new journey alone, a new beginning. I know it is going to be hard, and I won't lie, I am pretty freaking scared. But I know I have good support. I have a great family and great friends, people who care and people who will help me, because they know I will help them anytime. I'd like to wish everyone a very prosperous 2013 and may all your dreams and ambitions come true. Keep an open mind to anything and anyone, accept everyone, love everyone even when they don't love you, love yourself, kill with kindness, be the person you want to be and most of all, never ever let anything  bring you down.