This is a different kind of post than most days. If you think about it, and have read my Blog from the beginning, I didn't really start writing until two weeks after everything happened. The first week was probably the toughest because it was full of confusion and questions, back and forth between love and anger, if you will. Last night while I was laying in bed, I picked up this notebook where I wrote every day for the first week, while I was in Houston. And I thought, all those feelings are important, everything I went through during those days is part of the story, and in retrospect, I have no regrets, not only on what I did, but on how I felt. I thought I would start posting some of those chapters, I thought they need to be here, to tie together everything that has happened and how I have evolved from the very beginning to where I am today. I'm sorry if the writing is scattered but I wrote this throughout the day!
Thursday, December 6th, 2012
Thursday and in the office with Horacio today., I thought it would be good to come today. This place is really nice, I want to steal one of these chairs and send it back to Greenville! If only I could!
Yesterday I told Kelli that as much as I hurt doing it, I couldn't text her or call her anymore. I just couldn't. She said she would text me and call me, so we'll see. She did text me last night, saying "I love you". This only confuses me more. I hope she does, I really do. I hope these are signs of good to come. I only replied, "I love you too". I hope this means something, but I don't know. This morning she texted me to say good morning and that made me happy because it came from her. I just replied and we exchanged some texts, but nothing else. Work is pretty much boring right now, not much to do with production complete for the year! These are supposed to be good times though, but unfortunately they are not. I really hope they can still be, I really do. Still praying a lot, especially to Saint Jude. I feel he was my Grandpa's favorite Saint and I know he will help me. We had lunch today at this Mexican place, delicious. The shrimp we huge and the portions were just gigantic. Everything was really good. It was really nice of Horacio's friend to invite me to their Christmas lunch! I really miss Kelli so much. She is my wife and my best friend, really has been everything for the past 7 years. I know I have to stay positive. Not a whole lot of work this afternoon, so it should be pretty quiet.
We went to the gym after work, and right before we got there, Kelli texted me; just saying that she hoped i was having a good day; I said yes and that I hoped she was too. Took her a couple of hours to get back to me, but then she said she was having a good day too and to say hi to Horacio and Tracey. I only said, "OK, I love you". The more I think about it, I do, but I can't explain why sometimes. It sucks that we have to go through this but that is life. I don't think I'll talk to her today, I really don't, and I wish that I could, but I need to contain myself. If she wants to talk, she can call; I just hope she is not talking to anyone else.
When the night comes it seems to get harder for me; going to bed alone is hard. I don't like it at all and I pray she doesn't either. I hope she calls soon, maybe tomorrow. I was supposed to be at her school tomorrow for career day and I hate that I am missing it. Maybe I can do it another time.
We had some Peruvian chicken for dinner, just me, Horacio and Luca. The little man devoured the fries and ate more ketchup than I had all year! Tracey went out with a friend. After dinner, football and now to bed. I think I am scared of going to sleep and that is why I stay up every night. I don't think I have slept more than 3 hours in the past week. I need to go to sleep though.
So the best thing just happened to me! It is close to 2am and I was sitting in bed, trying to go to sleep when I heard Luca in his room. I walked over and he was standing in his crib, just holding on to the rails. I picked him up and help him and brought him to me bed. He laid on me with his eyes wide open for a few minutes, so quiet, then fell asleep. He slept on me for a few minutes and then I just took him back to his crib. He seems so peaceful, it really was a great feeling! I think this has made me realize how much I really want kids. I know it is what I want and I thought it was what Kelli wanted as well. We have talked about it and were both on board, but things seem to have changed. Anyway, I need to fall asleep, the lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me. Tomorrow will be another day, we'll see what happens.
It's funny to read this and think of how much things have changed and how I put myself out there at the time and didn't get anything back. I honestly don't know what the future will bring, but I know I can't look back. Think about it, looking back will only get me into an accident, because I am going to run into something I didn't see. I'd much rather look forward than look back. I don't regret anything I felt or anything I did back then and even now. I am who I am today because of everything in my past and all I hope is that the future is much brighter.
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