Why does that always seem to be the case? Why do we have such a tough time getting through to those we truly love? I wish I had the answer, trust me, it would make all my problems much easier to solve. I met with my wife last night, and to be honest I thought it was a good talk. We didn't really argue or fight, we just talked, what was on her mind, what was on mine, how she was feeling, etc... She kept telling me that there is a part of her that really wants to come back, make things work, be home, like it used to be, but then again, there's this other part that doesn't, a part that fears, I think, being stuck in a horrible situation for the rest of her life. That might a little too harsh, but it is reality. All this just plays tricks on my mind, and I don't really know what to do or feel. In the past couple of weeks I have learned to cope with this reality, one that includes me only. I honestly, before yesterday, thought my wife would not come back, ever, and I told her that. But now she is considering it? She feels conflicted, as if she doesn't want to loose me. But what does that mean? Does she not want to loose me as a friend, or as a husband? Let's assume it is the latter, then why doesn't she come back? What I struggle with is the understanding of the feelings from the other side of her, those telling her not to come back. How strong are these feelings, or is it simply a fear of what is to come, and a lack of commitment to suffer for a while for something you believe in. I know, for a fact, that if this is ever to work out, it will get a lot worse before it gets any better; and that is something we both have to accept and be willing to live, together. But there will be a time for that, if it ever comes.
But how does all this make me feel? I honestly don't know. Until yesterday, I thought there was no chance for this. I hadn't heard from her in a while, other than a text here and there, and I thought she had moved on with someone else, in fact I wrote about that yesterday. But things have changed, in a way anyway. I still continue to have a very focused approach to things, a very realistic and objective approach if you will. I know what the reality is and I know that it hasn't changed, even after our talk last night. I am doing good and I am proud of that, but that doesn't mean I am over my wife. It would be ridiculous for me to say that, it would be a lie. And I struggled last night to get this through to her. She kept saying that I was doing fine and better without her, and I tried to explain that I was doing good but not necessarily better without her. The two don't mean the same thing, at all; and to be honest, how could I possible be doing better without her? That makes no sense, at least not right now, today. I told her I have moved on, but because I had to not because I wanted to, that was not my choice. I have fought for this, and when I say that, I mean that I am still here, after all this there is a part of me that still wants to fight, but it gets smaller and smaller every day. Fighting for this marriage doesn't mean chasing after her, that wouldn't be right, it means that I am willing to do anything, sacrifice anything, for the commitment I chose to make. I have been there for the longest time, but I've also realized I have to protect myself and my feelings, look forward and prepare for the worse. It is not a negative approach to life, at all, it is a realistic approach to the situation. I don't know how I'll react if she ever decides to come back home, work things out, I just don't know and it scares me. But that will be something I'll have to face if that time comes. I know God has a plan for me, and I don't know what that is right now. But I know that whatever it is, I'll be fine, in the end. I know I have to stay true to myself, what I believe in, my principles and values, all that makes me, well, me. She knows that, she knows better than anyone else who I am as a person, and she also knows that after she makes a decision, I have to make one too, and I can't guarantee how I'll feel then; we'll just have to wait and see what comes next. But always remember that just as if you where trying to fit a couch through a door, if you push too hard, something will break.
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