To Infinity & Beyond

I’ve said it many times, we all have gone through hard situations in life; situations we would much rather forget, leave in the past. And trust me, we try, very hard. But sometimes we have such trouble letting go, moving on, that we hold on to things for way to long, and let those things eat at us, cause anxiety, and affect our life and our happiness. Today, I wanted to talk about moving on, about leaving the past where it belongs, in the past, behind us. I find myself in this conundrum right now; I want nothing more than to move on, to forget and to carry on with my life and our life, together. But I keep asking the question, how do I exactly do it? Is it time what I need? Is time the best friend of the future and the antidote to the past? If so, then we go back to patience; something I asked for so long; exactly what got me through everything and kept me strong. But as I’ve said before, time takes time and we are impatient by nature, we want instant results.

But I know that in the end, it’ll all be OK. That I will move on from all my daemons and that we will move on to the future and away from the past. Every day that goes by I see progress, forward progress, that is. Through communication and after all, love, we should continue to get stronger and continue to grow together, towards that future. I know I have to continue to be patient, and let time help me, and us, to move on. I know that it is our pasts that define who we are today, but that does not mean we should carry it with us. We have to use our pasts, when troubling and hurting, as examples of what not to do, as examples of who we don’t want to be, and use that to become the person we truly want to become. Know that dwelling on the past only prevents you from spending time in the present and planning for the future.

Don’t become a slave to your past. Control your thoughts and your emotions, clear your mind of bad memories; memories that remind you of who you don’t want to be. All they will do is stress you and make you stagnate in life. I know I need to look forward and not backwards, look at the future and not dwell on what happened in the past; there is nothing I can do about it now. Life is hard, life a bitch in fact, but we are much stronger than we believe ourselves to be. It is in situations like these that we must be mentally strong, and have enough will power to control our subconscious and don’t let it control us. We are the only ones in control of our thoughts and our emotions, our feelings. Have faith and believe in the future, and in yourself. Understand that a bend in the road is not the end of the road, unless you fail to make the turn. Always remember this; may your past be the ground on which you stand and walk on today. Leave your past, close the door, and move on.

Palm Sunday

Today is Palm Sunday and it marks the day Jesus entered Jerusalem in his journey to crucifixion and resurrection; it's a time to look back and remember what He did for all of us, all He sacrificed for us. It's the beginning of Easter season, of Holy Week; and a time for all of us to be humble, ask for forgiveness and try to follow on Jesus' footsteps. It is as much a time to be good role models, to set the right example, not only for each other, but for the children of the world. He did that for us, all His children, thousands of years ago, and we shall continue that. In this time of celebration, and solemnity as well, remember all the children around you and make the effort to set the right example for them.

Unfortunately, today is also the day a great friend of mine lost someone very dear to her. Someone she considered a mother, someone who meant the world to her. And to be honest I was at a loss of words when I heard. I think we all are when we hear someone we care about has heard such tragic news. And although she might have been prepared for it; can one ever prepare for something like that? Either way, all I could think of saying was that I though there was some significance to the date she finally ascended into heaven to be with Him. All I said was that today was the day Jesus' journey to death and resurrection began, today marked the day His great sacrifice for all of us began and it was the day He chose to take her with Him. I know that what I said, or for that matter, anything else I could have said in its place, will not soften the blow of losing someone she cared so much about, but at the very least I think she knows now that she rests in peace and is at peace, with no more pain.

We all go through painful situations in life, some harder than others. But today on Palm Sunday I ask you in particular to remember and pray for all those who have left us, for all those who sacrificed for us and are no longer with us. Remember the greatest sacrifice that was done for us thousands of years ago, a sacrifice that allows us today to live the life we do. Remember all those you have lost, all those people who you hold so dear in your heart; pray for them and with them, and never forget that now, they are sited next to Him and will always be watching over you and all of us. On Palm Sunday, Jesus had the bigger picture in mind. He could see the future and it is because He chose to die for us, He planned to die for us, He came to die for us, that we can live in the world we live in. Life is full of ups and downs; thank and glorify God during the ups and always blindly trust him during the downs. Amen.

Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?

I know this song speaks about one person, that person we give our lives to, that person we love above everyone else. But today I really want to talk about this question in a much broader sense. Have I really told all those people that matter to me, that I love them? I know a while back I wrote about that; I wrote about telling those you love that you indeed love them, and to be honest I went on and on about it and how important it was. And during the time right after, I did do it. But then I stopped, yet again fell back into my old ways; hypocritical if you wish. And I think it had a lot to do with my state of mind at the time. And not to use that as an excuse, because it is not, but I had talked several times in the past about how I was losing feeling inside of me, in my heart. And I think what really happened is that I became comfortably numb; no particular reference to Pink Floyd by the way!

And along with that came apathy. But not only towards my wife, but to all those I loved and all those around me. I probably didn’t realize it at the time, or better said, didn’t want to accept it at the time. I know I didn’t let people in to help me, to try and see what was in my mind. A great friend told me that all I did was push people away, and that it would only make things worse. And I think I listened, but didn’t really embrace what was happening to me and what I was doing to those around me. That apathy that grew inside of me, that apathy I thought was towards my feelings for my wife, was really towards everyone who loved me. I start to see that now, because now that my head is clearer, I can see that I really shut a lot of people down, when all they were trying to do was help me. I know I am that type of person, a very introverted person, who in times of trouble shuts down and tries to figure things out inside. But I have learned, and really continue to learn as the days go by, that I need to be more open; let people in. And not only in my own relationship and my own marriage, but with my family, my friends, and all those who love me.

I know circumstances have changed and I feel better now, but that does not mean I don’t need those people in my life anymore. If anything I need them more, to make sure I stay the course of this new person I am trying to be, but most importantly so I can give back to those few people who stood by my side when the times were the worse, when I was at my lowest, when my pain was the hardest, they truly sacrificed for me. I know I have done things in the past to push these people away, but they have stayed with me and that speaks to their character and the value they put on our relationship. I have thanked them in the past and will do for the rest of my life; this was a tough stage in my life and of all the people I know, they were the only ones there. And they know who they are; I don’t need to name them. But I have realized that I have to be more explicit about my gratitude, if you will. I am sorry, again, if I have not told you that I love you lately; I know I have thought about it and I think about it every day. This love is different, it is an appreciation and gratitude for the support, advice and loyalty they have to me; it is knowing that no matter what they’ll be there to help me, that I consider them my family and they consider me just as much. I know my love for all of them has to grow, my wife included. And I also know I have to let more love into my life, let people love me – no questions asked.

I’d like to leave with an extract of the song the title comes from. To quote Van Morrison, this goes to all those who I love and who love me, “You fill my heart with gladness, take away all the sadness, ease my troubles, that’s what you do”. Take this from the bottom of my heart, I truly mean it and I hope I can give that back to you one day.

Workout-Buddy

Tonight I feel like talking about exercise, per my Workout-Buddy; and please don't try to figure out who that is, because in all honesty, it is no one! Exercise is something very important in our lives, and for our lives; yet it is sad not many people actually take the time to do it. I see America become more and more obese every day, and it really saddens me, because after all this is a wonderful country with wonderful people. As I try to become a better person, for me and for my marriage, I have made the decision to give back to my body; and I mean that almost literally. I think sometimes we exercise for the wrong reasons; and yes, believe it or not, that is possible! What I mean by that is that we need to exercise to give back to our bodies, to treat it well, thank it for everything that it has given us. It is a way to become a better person, to feel better, live a fuller life. I have realized we shouldn't work out because we want to look better, or because we want to look like someone else. We should love ourselves for who we are and try to BE better, not look better.

Exercising can lead to narcissism at times; we get very high on ourselves, we start to think we can take on anything, and that is never good; it is natural, but not good. We need to stay grounded, level headed and understand that we are all the same, regardless of what we look like. Exercising leads to better health, more energy, more fun, etc... These are all traits that enhance our way of living, allow is to, again, live a more fulfilling life. It is amazing to me how vane society has become. We shouldn't be with people just for what they look like, we shouldn't be friends with people just because of what they look like and most of all we shouldn't judge anyone for what they look like. Sometimes we get caught up in looks and forget what is inside. I know I am guilty of this, and as I move forward and know that is something I need to work on. I need to love my wife for whom she is. We need to understand there is much more to a person than looks. I used to make fun of people, because I thought it was funny, maybe even made me feel better about myself, but I have come to realize that it is hurtful and it serves no purpose.

I have goals this year, exercise goals. I know I want to run more, I want to exercise more; I want to be more active. I wrote last night I have bowed to spend more time outside, in nature; and what better way than running, cycling, hiking. But I don’t want to do this alone. I want to do this as a team, with her. Run together, walk together, and exercise together. And not to sound as if we need to do everything together, because we don’t; but exercise requires encouragement, someone behind you telling you that you can accomplish anything. And who better to do this with that the person you love. There is a long road ahead of us, but the road is starting to become straighter if you will, the fog is clearing slowly. And there is no need to speed right now, just take it easy and keep going steadily.

I know that as we move forward, exercise will play a big part in our lives. I know we both need to stay active, be more in touch with nature, and simply go back to basics. I ask you to do the same thing. Ask yourselves every morning, are you going to wimp, or are you going to be strong today? Run today what they will not, so tomorrow you can run what they cannot. Always remember that the feeling after a good run, a good workout, is a lot better than the feeling from sitting on the couch.

Wherever You Go, Always Bring Your Sunshine - But If It Rains, Just Get Wet

A few days ago I listened as someone read an excerpt of a book to me; the book, Sex God by Rob Bell. And let me just tell you that the book, or at least what I know about it, doesn’t really talk about sex that much. It talks a lot more about the spirituality of sex and how that plays in our lives. But tonight I want to focus on a particular chapter, the one that I listened to, as I drove. On a quick side note, I am starting to really enjoy reading, and more so, listening as someone tells me the story. I recently read The Wedding, by Nicholas Sparks, in audio-book. It was very peaceful to listen as someone calmly tells you a story, a truly moving story. But we can talk more on that book some other day!

The focus of tonight is nature, and in particular how disconnected we have become with nature, with the earth we live in, with everything living around us. One part of the excerpt that I vividly remember is when the author talks about how a commercial, and a brand for that matter, promise to get you closer to nature, simply by owning their car; I’m sure you know exactly what I am talking about by the way, I know I did! But let’s think about that for a second, is that really possible? Can something, a material thing really get you closer to nature? I highly doubt it. We have gotten so comfortable in our air conditioned houses in the summer, and heated in the winter, that we rarely spend time outside, in nature, and with nature. Stop for a minute and look around you. I’d like to think of flowers as God’s way of smiling at us, as the earth showing us its love and happiness. Think about the rain; we all dislike, if you will; it makes driving harder, we have to get the umbrella out, etc... But if you really look at it closer, rain makes the world smile, after the rain follows a rainbow, and it is with that rain that the flowers bloom and crops grow; people can eat. How can we ever think negatively of the rain? The rain is almost the world’s fuel. It is God’s way of reminding us that sometimes we must sacrifice for something better afterwards. But then again, we live in a society that is in such disconnect with nature, and with God at times, that I don’t really expect most to understand what I am saying. We get so caught up in our routines, our smart-phones and ourselves in all honesty, that we don’t look around anymore, and enjoy all that God created for us.

Think about nature and think about all the great natural wonders. I could be here forever naming these, but of the top of my head, the magnitude of the Grand Canyon, the beautiful fauna of the Amazon, the coral reefs in Australia. I have bowed this year to become more connected to nature. Go hiking, camping, spend time outside, eat outside in the summer, cook outside, plant my vegetables, and watch them grow. I want to understand nature better and pay tribute to what I know is God’s greatest creation. He created all of nature for us; he made sure all was there before he created men, and women. And I feel as if sometimes we don’t fully appreciate it. Take joy from watching flowers bloom or from understanding how a bee makes honey. Seek to comprehend how nature works and how amazing the world around us really is. We don’t really quite know how complex the world we live in really is, but sometimes we hear things, learn facts, that open our eyes. Do you know how a Jelly fish reproduces? I sure didn’t and it is quite amazing! Look it up, I’m sure you’ll be just as amazed as I was.

Open yourself up and let nature be your teacher; spend more time outside, learning about what it is that surrounds us and you will be amazed with what you will find. But always make sure you bring your sunshine wherever you go, bring your happiness with you, as the world is always smiling at us; smile back at it, I know I will. And just as well, be open to what the world gives you, if it rains, understand what it does for you, think of it as refreshing and just, well, get wet. Always remember, there are always flowers for those who want to see them, and as long as you keep looking up to the sun, you will never see a shadow. Oh, and by the way, the picture, the cherry blossoms at night at Kyoto’s Hirano Shrine. I don’t think I need to say anything else…

Families Are Built, And Strengthened, At The Dinner Table

If you know me, and you should by now, at least a little if you have followed my blog, you would know that food plays a big part in my life. I wrote a while back that cooking was a big part of my life, and like love, is something we should completely commit to, or not at all. Tonight I think I’d like to talk about the importance of the dinner table.

I think sometimes we tend to forget the power of sitting down at the dinner table, and sharing a meal, and alongside, our thoughts of the day, our feelings, our love, in all honesty. I have always believed that families are formed, and strengthened, at the dinner table. And you might think that is a bit extreme, but is it really? I can speak from experience, my own life. My wife and I would sit in front of the TV and eat dinner, every night, and don’t say much at all to each other. So concerned about what was going on on the TV, we slowly forgot to pay attention to each other. And to be honest, that has led to a lot of the issues we need to work on; communication; it is as if we completely forgot to talk to each other. And yes, of course, nothing of this sort justifies what happened, but I also believe in accepting everyone’s responsibility in the matter. I have not, and will never blame myself for what happened; those were my wife’s choices, but that is in the past and I’ve moved on. However, I do know, and understand, that there were things I could have done differently, we all do. And I am happy to be able to see these things, and accept them, as if we are to repair our marriage; we both have to accept the mistakes made, face them and be willing to work on them, and us.

But let’s go back to the dinner table; after all that is the whole point of tonight. As we become more and more separated from the world we live in and what makes it human, we remove ourselves from human emotion, from understanding feelings, and even from being empathetic to them. Sitting in front of the TV to eat dinner is, in my opinion, not something to be done; on a regular basis at least. I wish I could change the past, but I can’t; I can only look forward and try not to repeat the same mistakes.

I grew up in a family were we all had dinner together, at the table, where we talked about our days, shared memories and after all, build even more memories, together. Cooking, and eating, are both such big parts of my life and something I’d like to share with my new family, my wife. I hope for dinner to be a time of day with no distractions, no noise; where we can simply be together to talk, and be with each other. In today’s fast paced society, we tend to forget that sometimes we need to stop and take a minute to enjoy and look back on the day’s events, to listen to those we love; to stop and enjoy what we cooked as a family and to relax, together. We shouldn’t look at dinner as a chore, as something we must do because we would otherwise starve; that is the completely wrong approach.

Eating brings people together, dinner brings people together, and it has been for generations. The TV will never create memories for a family; sharing ideas, thoughts and experiences, will. I know I need to make the time to stop and enjoy life a bit more, that is something I know I need to work on, and I have been; for myself and for those who love me. Sitting down at the dinner table is one of those things. Just know that TV can always wait, your favorite shows will be there tomorrow; your loved ones however, might not. Pay attention to them and make the time to nurture and care for those relationships; the dinner table is a great place to start.

I Was Enchanted To Meet You

As usual with my posts, the titles are very misleading, and sometimes they flat out make no sense; but we'll get to this one later. In the last couple of days I have been thinking about our wedding, how it was, what it meant. To be honest, I can't really remember all that much, but it is funny, because what I do remember, are very particular details.

December 17^th, 2011 was the date, and that day will always be with me, and with her. We got married in Peru, where I am from, and because of that, we were not very involved in the actual physical preparations. Although it was our choice, hers and mine, and I personally wouldn’t change it, I think I missed being part of some of the planning; and so did she. You always look forward to tasting cakes, trying out caterers, going to look at venues, etc…, and even though I might not have thought about it at the time, I know my wife would have liked that too. But again, we made the choice of getting married in another country, and with that came delegating a lot of the responsibilities. And we got a lot of help, from my mom in particular. She put in a lot of her time, a lot of her efforts and a lot of love to make it as close as what we wanted it to be; and for that I know I will always be grateful to her; my wife too.

But every time I think back to that day, I can’t remember those trivial details; the food, the flowers, etc… I remember more-so, sounds, scents, her above all. And at times these have been painful memories because I have asked myself, as you know, what went wrong, and how did I not see it. But now, these are happy memories; I know I love her and always have.

As she walked down the aisle, strapless dress, fitted down through her body down to her knees, flowing below, it’s as if everything around her, and me, just stopped moving; almost disappeared. I'm not sure I remembered where I was, and I can’t even remember what the sounds were. All I know is that it was, well, enchanting. And I am guessing this is a natural feeling, something you should feel; I think I might have even shed a tear, or two. And the ceremony, I must say I don’t really remember much either; Catholic, pretty standard at times. The First Reading read by her mom, the Prayer of the Faithful, read by my sister in law and one of my friends, communion, etc… The mass was mostly in Spanish, something I wish could have been different. I know my wife couldn’t understand a whole lot. All in all, the church was magnificent, and she was there, standing next to me.

The reception was just as stunning, I think. At end of the pier at the Yacht Club, upstairs, open to the breeze of the ocean, only a thin fabric canopy surrounding the entire space. Lights were dimmed, flowers beautiful, striking to be honest, or so the pictures make them seem. As we walked down the pier, just the two of us, everyone waiting on us, Taylor Swift’s “Enchanted” played in the background, hence the title. And I remember it as if it was playing in the distance, as if I was removed from reality and was watching us. It seems to have taken forever to get there, and granted the pier is quite long, but as we walked up the stairs, and everyone’s eyes were on us, mine could only be on her. And I know I have never been someone to show much emotion, hard to read if you will, but that is what I was feeling inside, at that moment.

The night went well. People ate, danced, drank and had a good time. And us, we tried to eat some, danced, drank, and mingled with people. I think if I could go back to that day, I would only change one thing; I would spend more time with her. And don’t get me wrong, I do not regret how the night went, I think it was fabulous. I said a long time ago, and if you have followed this blog from the beginning you might remember, that one of the events that defines me as who I am today, is the day I married my wife; that hasn’t changed and will never change. I love her with all my heart and I know we will be OK in the end, together. I'd like to leave you with something to think about; never forget that a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

A Life of Wine & Swine

Anyone who knows me knows that I love food; in fact I believe I wrote an entire post about the importance of food, and cooking in my life. And to be honest there are few things in this world I love more than pork, and wine. This is an ode of some sort, a tribute to the swine and all its fatty greatness, a tribute to wine and all its mysteries. This might be the hidden poet inside of me, if there is such, but I like to think of them as gifts from the earth, and its soil; wine is a product of the seasons, of the fruits that keep coming back year after year; and the swine, it is the result of hard work, time and love.

I have always been a lover of all things pork, although I did not grow up eating it a lot. But as I got older I started to appreciate it more, and in its entirety I must say. And I can also say I was born in the Year of the Pig, November 1983. I suppose that explains some of my love for the pig, but there is much more to it that draws me. We Pigs are chivalrous and polite, we care. If you think of a pig, as a species, they are strong and honorable. But are those traits that lead to the delicious offerings we receive from it? Who knows, and to be honest, who really cares! When you think of a pork belly, slowly roasting in the oven, crusted with chili powders, brown sugar, salt, its fat melting onto itself, seasoning the little meat on the belly, you couldn’t begin to focus on where that actually came from. And then, hours later, when the belly comes out, the waiting game begins; you must let it rest of course! But the result, in the end, is worth every hour you put in; salty, soft yet firm, melts in your mouth, the fattier the better. And how about some crispy pig ears? Slowly cooked, and then fried in hot fat, maybe duck fat, crispy on the outside, gelatinous and chewy on the inside, its richness offset by a sweet yet sour dipping sauce. And the by-product, a pot of delicious swiney stock; add some star anise, soy sauce, rice wine and cardamom and you have a great base for a rich, aromatic and salty soup. And bacon; if there is anything I seek to find perfection in is the BLT. Thick bacon complemented with loads of avocado to add a creaminess, crisp lettuce and home grown tomatoes for their sweetness.   

And please know that I do not plan to sit here and talk about pulled pork, or ribs, the staples of the American barbecue, things you find in every barbecue joint on every other corner, what people flock to when they think pig; although tremendous at times, that is not the goal for today. The whole point is to offer a salute to the greatness of the pig that is often times forgotten by many, and yet cherished by few. A whole pig, roasting over an open fire, outside on a warm spring day, glistening in its fat as the skin crisps up as it turns, and turns. And how about the pride of Texas, the smoked brisket? When I think of brisket, it reminds me that there is still hope out there for barbecue. Ah, the pig, for how many have you become the antidote for vegetarianism? Explore the wonders of the pig, venture out of the mainstream and into the adventure that pork belly, pig ears and cheeks are. Do your own pig roast or hunt down the greatest bacon out there; but either way, appreciate the pig for what it is, as a whole.

Oh and wine! How can I forget about you; after all, the title is about swine AND wine. I can’t deny that I have been relying, maybe a little too heavily at times, on this potion to help me get through everything I am going through. And although I am not necessarily proud of it, I tend to believe that people are the most honest after a glass of wine, or two; in a way wine is honesty. And there’s somewhat of a built-in romance to wine as well, as I like to think of it as emotional to an extent. Wine is a lot like love, it is gentle and subtle, it should get better as it ages; it is robust yet delicate, it can be slick yet bold. Cabs have always been my choice, and as I get older I’ve continued to grow into them. I suppose my palate is more refined now, grown up, and I maybe appreciate the complexity and full bodied aromas a bit more.

I have grown to love wine, truly. I love the fact that every bottle is unique, that each vineyard is unique, each tells its own story. From how the sunshine hits the grapes, in the morning and in the afternoon, to the soil and the rainfall, every vintage tells the tale of that year. Every bottle is a mystery, every bottle will taste slightly different; and I must say I find that, well, exciting. And although we are moving towards screw tops, and even boxes, there is still something about the sound of a cork popping. And as it pours, into a glass, or a decanter if you wish, the aromas bloom and hit the nose. But after all, it is all about the taste, that sublime, mellowness of wine when it hits the tongue. And it is just as much about the company as it is about taste, the people it brings together. May it be husband and wife, long life friends, or new acquaintances, wine brings people together, it does now and it has for centuries. Just as Jesus shared wine at the last supper, we still gather with loved ones and do the same. Maybe it is the wine in these past couple of months that have made me a slightly better version of myself; maybe it is something else. But either way I do want to ask you to enjoy life; it is easy. Or at least it is as easy as the next trip to the wine store.

Don't Pray For An Easy Life, But For God's Strength Instead

The world will break everyone at some point, yet it is at those broken places, where some of us emerge stronger. We all go through life dealing with our own issues, with our own heartbreak, our own disappointments. But rather than feeling sorry for ourselves, victimizing and falling down, we should use these struggles to develop our strength and decide to not surrender. And I think it is clear, I do not speak of physical strength, but emotional. It is strength of character that translates into the ability to overcome hardship and resentment, hide our pain and forgive others. I know these situations can be overwhelming and draining to our souls and minds, and it has been for me. But after spending time with God, I have found a renewed sense of strength, as if He has injected me with His energy and passion. I have learned that strength is being able to let go and not hold on, making a decision to grow from the hardships we endure, and being a better person in the end. I know that I only have power over my mind and not anything else, so I should focus on mastering that above all else. I said on my last post that we must find a balance between strength within us and gentleness with others. And what I mean by that is simply that, gentleness is really the ultimate sign of strength. It is not being cruel, or merciless that defines and shows strength; that is too easy. It is being gentle with those who have hurt you, that have done you wrong, that truly shows a man’s strength at his core.

I read a great analogy a few days ago and got me thinking. It said, “Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on”. We always seem to think that hardship cannot be overcome, or that one cannot get over situations such as this one. But I choose to look at it as an injury, as the quote above. Just as if you were able to heal an injury, after overcoming an emotional hardship, a relationship should be stronger, should have a better foundation; just like scar tissue. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I don’t know what is going to happen, but I have regained my strength, something I hadn’t done up to this point. I am now able to look at the world, and my life, in a positive way and in an optimistic way. You could say I now live in a best case scenario world, which in turn gives me a better outlook on life. Some might say that this is not the correct way to go about it, that I am just setting myself up to being hurt again, that I should protect myself above all. But when I think about it, could it really get any worse? Could I really get any lower than where I was? I honestly don’t think so, and although I am doing better and the worst case scenario would be devastating, can one ever really truly prepare himself for it? I don’t think so, and in expecting the worse, all I do is act negative and portray that in my life. It has taken a while for me to regain my strength, but I have. The prophet Isaiah said, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint". I feel as if this is me now, as if I have received the strength, patience and wisdom that I have been asking God for all this time. I know I will still make mistakes and above all, I will follow my heart. But I can’t be afraid of it; I can’t be closed to it. God’s strength shines in times of weakness; it is the reason He sends it to us, and me, in journeys such as the one I am on. He not only tests our faith, but our strength as well, our resilience and belief that He will take care of us.

I feel that it is important to believe in something, whatever you want, so strongly, that you’re never discouraged, that you never lose faith. But we have to be honest; with those we love and with ourselves, as it is honesty, not insincerity that shows a man’s true strength, true gentleness. I like to think of strength and courage as siblings, in a way. It is the love that we hope to receive from someone that gives us strength to love and to move forward; yet it is the love we have for those close to us that gives us the courage to accept love. I choose to be a man who cherishes a challenge and draws strength from distress, a strength which grows in reflection and is open to change. I chose to walk through hell with a smile on my face; strength is nothing more than a will; a will to not let anything stand between you and your happiness; your pursuit of happiness. We must not assume that fairness is on the side of the strong, as the world itself is never fair, but we need to understand that patience feeds strength, and impatience weakness. Calm and open debate, healthy debate is what we need, my wife and I need to communicate if anything will ever be repaired; we both have to find our inner strength that will show the gentleness in our hearts. Find your passion, as it is exactly that which will be your strength of the future. Always remember that God gives us strength for the sole purpose of avoiding the temptations to surrender.

Putting Things in Perspective, Continued...

During all this time, it has been very easy for me to get caught up in what is going on in my life and lose sight of what is happening around me. More so, lose sight of what my problems mean in the larger scheme of things. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, although what is happening to me is something I’ll never wish on anyone, it is so insignificant when compared to the hardship others go. I had a great weekend these past few days. As I wrote on Friday, I was able to spend it with people who I choose to make my family; people who make me feel loved and make me feel at home, regardless of where we are. It was good to get away from everything for a few days, it was relaxing most of all, and I was able to reflect a whole lot, on this situation, and on my life, my wife.

Saturday night we went out to dinner, and it is funny how life will put you in situations, by chance, that will teach you something, open your eyes, put things in perspective. I met this little girl, my aunt’s niece. She is only twelve years old and has already gone through more than I could ever imagine, and probably handle. My aunt had told me her story already, but as I sat there, listening to her, tell her own story, in a matter of seconds, with a smile on her face, I realized that anything that has or could happen to me, just seemed so small. She was adopted at three and came to this country from Eastern Europe, deaf. She didn’t have one of those great gifts, one of those gifts we take for granted every day of our lives, something that is so natural to us, that we never stop and think of all those people who can’t hear, can’t express themselves, can’t see what we see. But with surgeries, therapy and most of all will power, she can now hear, and to be honest, speak pretty damn well. She can understand you perfectly and talk to you, with no issues; although Siri has some trouble understanding her, but then again Siri can't seem to understand me either!

Unless you saw her hearing aids, or knew her story first hand, you would never know that little girl was once unable to hear you. I was really in owe, seeing her so happy, hyper, full of energy. But what hit me the most I think, was listening to her tell her story, her own story of bravery and determination, although she might not know that yet, not only with a smile on her face, but as if it was nothing, as if she could really do it all over again. And I know that we never know what really happens inside a person, I know it first hand, but in children you see an innocence that we lose when we grow up. It is almost a complete honesty, simply because they don’t know anything different, they don’t know how to hide their feelings and emotions, manipulate them. I think I saw a strength in her eyes that I haven’t seen in a lot of people’s, maybe not even in me. Driving back I kept thinking about it, and again, it helped me understand that my issues are so small. I thought, if she can get through something like that, at only twelve years of age, and come out OK, I should be able to make my peace with my issues.

Seeing this little girl so happy with life, so grateful for what she has and what she has overcome, really put a smile on my face and pushed me to be happier, appreciate more, let loose and love life. There have been few instances in the last couple of months that have really helped me see how much I have been missing in life. This was one of them, and just as with the rest of them, I am and will be forever grateful to it. I have never understood the quote, “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger”; but I think I might be getting there. And I don’t necessarily look at it from a physical perspective, but more so from an emotional one. Things like these, a physical disability, a traumatic event, etc… should really take us down, and it does most people. But then you meet someone who came out stronger rather and you once again believe that with strength, determination and perseverance, anything is possible, anything. Never pray for things to be easy, but rather pray for strength to fight hardship. Stand up to the pain, you’ll find out that it is not half as strong as you are. The struggle of life requires us to be strong within ourselves, yet gentle with others; find that balance and always appreciate what you have. Be thankful for your family, your friends, your health, and the love you receive every day. Life is very interesting, as it is sometimes those great pains that will one day become our greatest strengths.

Family Is About Who You Choose To Make Your Life With

Blood relatives have often nothing to do with family; family is about who you choose to make your life with. I have a great family around me; a great group of people who I choose to call family and who I choose to surround myself with. These are the people, who I entrust with my life, who I would do anything for and who I know would do anything for me. And it is funny, because a lot of these people are not related to me. But these are people who have been there all my life, or have been there when I was down, who have put themselves aside to help me, who will help me no matter what.

The last few days have been very hard, as you can tell by my posts this week. I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of praying, a lot of searching for answers. I have asked God to guide me and to give me the strength to take my life down the path He wishes for me. And I feel I have found some clarity, a little bit at least. I have talked to my wife a bit more often lately and I have realized, after all, that I do love her so much. I know it is hard for some to understand, but it is reality and it is how I feel. I am still trying to search for answers, believe me, for guidance and patience, but I feel God will send me a sign when it is time for me to take action. Someone told me that they were very proud of me and that they loved how much I loved and cared for others. I know I’ve made mistakes before, in life, in my marriage, but I have never stopped loving with all my life and all my strength. And I’d like to think that as long as my core remains the same, my love for others, for my wife, remains the same, all is possible in this world. I am not going to change anytime soon in how I am, I will continue to love, even if I don’t get it back. It is irrational I know, but it is who I am.

This weekend I felt as if I needed to get away. I needed to leave routine behind for a few days and be with people who love me and who consider me family, just as I consider them family. It was a very long drive last night, but it was worth every second, every mile. Being here last night, today so far, has really helped me. And not because we have talked extensively, or because I have found the answers I need to move on with my life, but because I feel at home, because I feel I am in a place where I can be happy, where I can be sad, where I can be whatever I want, and it will be fine. There are not many places like that in this world for me, where I feel at peace, and there are not many people who can make me feel that peace inside, but I think I chose to come because I knew that would be the case. I have second mother here and two more brothers. I know that they will be there for whatever I need and I will be there for whatever they need. It is a funny feeling, because we don’t talk that often, yet when I saw them last night; it was as if we have seen each other every day for years. You only get that feeling with a handful of people in this world and we should learn to cherish those relationships, take care of them and value them like gold. We all need family to get through hard times, we all need to open ourselves and count on that family to help us, to pick us up when we are down and to cheer us up when times get hard. We need them to put that smile back on our face. Family is not just an important thing, it is everything.

We Are Defined Not By How Much We Love But By How Much We Are Loved

I have never been a big believer of Valentine's Day. I don't think I need someone, or something, to tell me when to be nice, when to be a husband. But this year it certainly is hard, simply because I don't have that someone to share it with. I do a lot of things lately because my heart tells me to; and I know, a while back I wrote that it was the heart that was the most deceiving of all. But when you think about it, we have all been there, the heart always has its reasons to lead you down a path, yet there is no reason at all behind them. We do things because we feel it is the right thing to do, even when we know we shouldn't. I great friend told me a while ago, multiple times, to stop following my heart, because it would just hurt me, yet she knew that I would do it anyway, and she would be there to pick up the pieces.

Days like these are days where not only do we show our love for others, but we realize how much we are loved by others. And that is something that we struggle with, a lot of us. A lot of us, me included at times, have a hard time accepting that we are important to others, that we are loved, very much, by others; let that be insecurities, lack of love for ourselves, hanging issues from our childhoods, or mere low self esteem, we find it very hard to let others in and let their love come upon us. I know that I have had that struggle at times, and I know that my wife does as well. It is almost a feeling as if we don't feel to be worthy, or good enough, to be loved by great people, as if we don't deserve love; in a way we question the other person's motives for loving us. But when I think about it, who are we to decide who should and shouldn't love us? Why do we try to convince ourselves that we are not lovable? Regardless of our actions in life, our pasts, there are people who will always love us, because they understand we are human and we make mistakes. I think I said a while back that one of the greatest gifts a person can give is forgiveness. It takes a special person to forgive, to truly forgive, yet sometimes we seem unable to accept forgiveness. I know my wife struggles with this, she seems to think I am unable to forgive her, to love her, or better yet, that she doesn't deserve to be forgiven or loved; yet I do. But again, why do we try to decide for others, what they should and shouldn't do? If we love them, truly love them, shouldn't we accept what they give us, unconditionally? We need to understand that the greatest love of all comes from God and God forgives us all, if we ask for forgiveness; and people of faith follow the same creed, they forgive.

I hope everyone out there can have a happy Valentine's Day, however you choose to define that. I not only hope that you can show someone you love them, but also that you can feel loved by someone. All I ask is that you let those people in, let people love you and understand that we are all worthy of that. We all deserve to be loved, and we are. Dwelling on the past accomplishes nothing, hurts us more and keeps us stagnate. Smile in times of trouble and smile in times of joy. Smile at the future and smile at the past, it makes you who you are; give that smile to those you love and those who love you. Let that smile come from your heart; it is courage for the future, not happiness from the past that should truly bring a smile to us. Think of a smile as your sword in this constant struggle with life, to help you through hard times, to go through hell and come out better. My wife's favourite flower is the iris, and the reason I mention this is because I like to think of flowers, blooming, as God smiling at the world, at us.  As long as you keep smiling yourself, regardless of what is happening in the world around us, it will always be sunny inside of you. Always smile, it is free therapy.

Love Is Not a Feeling of Happiness But a Willingness to Sacrifice

Today is Ash Wednesday and a day we are reminded of the greatest sacrifice that was made for us; it marks the start of the forty days Jesus spent fasting in the desert avoiding Satan's temptations. It has really made me think, think about sacrifices and what they mean to me, and to us. I believe that we can achieve anything in life, if and only if we are willing to give up everything else for it. A question I continue to ask myself, and have been for a while is, what am I willing to sacrifice for my marriage? Am I willing to do anything to save it, repair it? The more I think about it, the more I lean in that direction, but not because I think it is right, but because I know that is what God would want me to do. I know I could have sacrificed more in the past, I wish I could go back and change that, but I can't. And then I asked myself, how much can I do on my own, how much would my sacrifices do on their own? In all honesty, nothing. No one person can save a marriage on their own, a marriage takes two people to form just as it takes two people repair. I've said it so many times, I don't know what is going to happen, but at least I am getting some more clarity. And trust me when I say, it doesn't really affect me as I make progress in my life, because life goes on and I understand that, but it is allowing me to understand what it is that my feelings mean. Today at Mass, I kept asking for the same thing over and over; all I asked is for direction and guidance in understanding what it is that my feelings and thoughts mean. There are a lot of things in my mind lately, and it is hard to make sense of them sometimes. I know God will help me figure it out by showing me the way forward. I know I need to have patience and trust in my faith, as hard as it really is, I know I must do that.

Marriage is all about sacrifice, giving up some of the things you like for the other person, for that person you love and who loves you back. The difference between a good marriage and a great marriage is the ability and willingness to sacrifice. As I said in the title, and have said before, in another way, marriage is not a feeling of happiness but a constant struggle with love and with that person, a complete willingness to sacrifice, for something you believe in, something bigger than you.

Ash Wednesday is just as big a sacrifice, if you think about it, it is you proving that you love Jesus more than you care about looking ridiculous for a day! It is a day for us to remember, reflect, repent and give thanks for everything that was given to us. Today is the start of Lent, a time for us to sacrifice for the one who made us and sacrifice Himself for us. Some of us decide to give up something we love during lent, and I have, beef and pork; and trust me, as much as I eat both, it is a big sacrifice. The idea behind it is not only to sacrifice, but to understand what was done for us and to try to do that for God, for someone else, and for ourselves.

I talked about emptiness a few days ago and I have continued to think about it. But I have realized that in that emptiness I will be able to find myself and I will be able to find my peace in God. No one wants to be alone, and to be honest no one deserves to be alone, we all want and deserve to be loved, to feel loved. But we can't put our desire for love only on someone else, when we know God loves us all, regardless. All he asks from us is sacrifice and humility, for us to repent from our sins and ask for forgiveness.

In this Lenten season I've bowed to be a better person, everyday. To be merciful and to have patience; to understand that we are merely transitional in this world and we play a small part in the large scheme of things. Love involves responsibility and love is sacrifice, for that special person and for God. I know I need to change, and I have, for me, and for those who love me. I know I have to become a better person, I want to become a better person. I've made the choice to sacrifice, for me, for God and for my future; sacrifice is the passion of great souls, you can't have love without sacrifice and you don't have sacrifice without love. In this time of reflection and repentance, find something to sacrifice for, it will make you a better person too.

Illusion Is The Best Cure For Emptiness

I said on Sunday that I felt as if I was falling back in my progress, regressing a bit if you will. And I have continued doing a lot of thinking, yesterday, this morning. It is a very forward type of thinking, a vision of what my life will be, where I am taking myself, or better said, what path is laid down for me, what is my destiny. Of course I don't know what that is and I almost feel an impotence of not being able to steer my life, take it to where I want it to go. It's hard to put your life in someone else's hands, even when you know that someone is God; it is hard being patient most of all. But as I think about what it is that I feel, and why I feel the way I do, again, all I keep coming back to emptiness. What I feel is a giant void inside of me, a hole in me, that used to be filled by someone else, by my love for her and her love for me. I honestly feel as if a part of me is missing. I don't know why I feel this way, trust me. It could be simply routine, not having that person next to me, every day. It could be not feeling loved by that person who you gave everything to. It could be a fear of what is to come, a fear of being alone, a fear of never accomplishing what I set out to accomplish. Regardless, that void is still in me and I can't do anything about it, not now, not anytime soon.

The title said it best, illusion is really the only way we fight emptiness. Love is illusion; love is nothing more than an illusion for a brighter future with someone, the illusion of being with that someone who makes you so happy. Illusion is forward thinking and so is love. When we loose that illusion for what we thought was our path in life, we loose a part of ourselves, we run out of fuel, we feel empty. I am trying to look forward in my life, I really am, but that void remains in me. That void can only be filled with love, with that feeling of meaning something to that one person, something that is not shared with anyone else, something so deep, it means so much more than just friendship. I know I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship and I know I am far from perfect, but one thing that never changed was my love for my wife. I always had that and the promise of eternal love was and will always be there, in a way.

I know this emptiness I feel is only temporary, I know it will pass and most of all I know it will be filled by a new, or renewed illusion, soon. I don't know what that is, and to be honest I would love to know. But God tests us because he knows we can take it. I have asked myself so many times, why did this have to happen to me, why of all people in this world, did he pick me. I thought there were much worse people than me, and I still think I shouldn't deserve to go through this. But then someone told me that the reason why it always seems to be good, strong people who have to go through this, is because God knows we can take it. He knows that we are strong enough, mature enough, faithful enough to get through something like this. He chooses to put us through these tests, because He knows that in the end, we are strong enough to come out better; for us and for those who love us.

It is ironic that it is love which leads us to emptiness, yet it is that same love which will fill that emptiness one day. To love is to become vulnerable to someone else, to open ourselves to being hurt, to heartbreak. Love is expensive, it requires time, effort and a lot of sacrifice; but to be honest, not loving is a lot more expensive. It is that fear of loving which will become your emptiness, which will slowly eat you inside. Emptiness steals the joy out of life, it robs you from dreaming, from illusions. I feel empty, I feel I am missing a big part of my life, and a big part of me, but I know that all I can focus on now is that all new beginnings come from some other beginning's end and that it is love that will one day fill this emptiness in me.

Old Habits Die Hard

The last few days have been really hard and it honestly is really hard to explain why. I have been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of reminiscence to the past and how things used to be. Although I have been getting better inside as time has gone by, memories are hard to suppress forever, they resurface just when we least expect them. It's hard to feel this way again, and trust me it is not as bad as it used to be, but still, I don't want to feel pain inside anymore. I think a lot of the things I do nowadays are in a way to delay me feelings, push them down and not have to deal with them. And trust me, it has worked. It has really helped me see another side of life and allowed me to see a different future, one I never expected I could have. But reality is what it is and we need to face it, we need to embrace it. Some know that I have been doing a lot of work around my house, our house. And to be honest, although it is an ongoing process of destruction, it will look great in the end. But last night I was thinking, as I talked to a friend, that subconsciously, I am almost making all these changes, and adding more changes as I go on, so I don't have to live in my house. And I don't mean that literally, because I don't really have another place to live, but you understand what I am trying to say. As long as my house is, well, not my house, as long as it is a mess, a construction zone, I don't have to face the fact that what used to be ours, is now mine, what we used to do, I now do alone. It is hard enough already to go to sleep at night on the bed we have shared for years, alone. It is hard cooking for one, instead of two, it is hard doing the things she used to always do. It is so hard, every Sunday, to go to Mass and see all these families walk by me, to see all these children walking around. It's so hard not to imagine that it should be you with your family there, with your children in the future, doing those same things. I know that time will come for me, whether it is with my wife or with someone else, and I ask God every time, to give me patience and to show me the way forward. But I am by nature an incredibly anxious and impatient person. I don't like not knowing what my future holds, and even worse, I don't like not being able to control it. I know, and people have told me, that I also have a choice to make. I can be the one to make a choice in this process; but trust me, it is not easy to think about it and even worse to actually make it.

All I can think about are all those memories we have, and it is funny because I think of the good times, I think of the laughter we've had together, I think of the trips we took, all the nights we spent together, our picnics in the living room. I can't seem to focus on the bad, it is almost as if it doesn't matter, and it should; I don't know why. We are creatures of habit and it is so hard for us to change. It might be fear or it might be comfort, who knows, either way I know I can't make that decision, not quite yet. We all become dependent on our habits, they become part of our lives, they almost start to define who we are. And these habits are hard to get rid of, the only way we can loose them is by accepting the fact that we don't need that anymore in our lives; like I said, I'm not quite there yet. I know the day will come when everything will be more clear, I've said it before. But I also know that I need to hope for the best, yet prepare for the worst. It is not a negative approach, it is a realistic approach. Who knows where we'll be in a month, or six. I know I have to continue working on myself and moving forward, remembering the good times, but not letting them control my emotions. I know it is going to be so hard; just when I thought I was doing good, I fell back a bit. And it is fine, it is part of the process, it will make me a stronger person in the end. But I know these thoughts mean something and I have always liked to think that where there is a will, there is a way. The only question is, is there will from both sides? Only time will tell. All I know is that, as I move forward, I need to remember that he who ventures nothing, gains nothing. 

The Essence of a Beautiful Soul Is Gratitude & Love

I said a few weeks back I would start posting some of the things I wrote during the first month or so. And as I read them at night, sometimes, I look back at how I felt back then. It is funny because although a lot has changed, in the way I act, the way I behave and truly the way I live my life, my feelings haven't really changed much. Well, actually they have, I feel more apathy now than I did back then, I have a different perspective on life and I am more focused, if anything. But it is hard to change feelings that one develops over such a long period of time. As much as we try to bury them, and I have, they come up at times, and make you reminisce. I keep my objective approach to life, as much as I don't want to, to be honest. No one wants to go through life not feeling anything, but I suppose it is a defense mechanism, something that will pass, I know that. But last week I was reading some of those things I wrote, and this is something that was not only very hard to read, but very hard to write at the time. I still remember sitting in bad, late at night, writing this, thinking of how I felt and thinking of what it was I wanted to say. I thought long and hard before putting this up, mainly because it is, honestly, something very personal and very close to my heart. Either way, I think it is part of my life, part of my feelings, and after all, that is the purpose of my writing. I think we have all felt this way at some point in our lives and it is hard to think about it, but it is reality. Again, it is hard for me to read this, but hopefully it is will a good read for you...

In these hard times I can’t seem to stop thinking about you, and your hand, me holding it.

There’s something about it, I don’t really know what,
maybe a fantasy, a touch of mystery to you still,
something I can’t understand.

I keep holding on to memories that I probably shouldn’t, I know, but I do.

We all fall victims to monotony, routine, comfort, we all lose that battle sometimes.

And that is why dear,
for showing me a brighter side of life, for helping me be who I am today,

for being next to me and for sharing your love;

I couldn’t fit in a lifetime my gratitude to you.

For tolerating all my hard times, for listening to all my secrets and keeping them to you.

Forgive me for all I did wrong,
I truly thank you for having been mine.

If this letter doesn’t mean much, please tell me, and I’ll take our memories with me.

 All I can promise you is a hope for happiness wrapped in a promise of eternal love,
a hope for a better tomorrow,
a world that continues on from where we once left it.

You have been the woman for whom I’ve learned to love, who’s shown me what loving can mean,
knowing that you loved me and all that you gave me.

I wouldn’t trade our time together, not for anything;
you brought great happiness to my life.

I hope you keep all our memories with you, and that you remember us for what we once were.

We all want love, love keeps us going, brings brightness to our lives.
But I can’t be blind, I know reality and I know who I am.

I try to tell myself there is nothing wrong, but inside I know I am lying to myself.
God will show me how to live and he’ll help me to never forsake.

Maybe I was blind all along, didn’t want to see what was right in front of me,
and at that moment I couldn’t see what life would be.

But through prayer it all became still and I was able to see life and find my reality;
I felt my spirit come alive.

I know love is what I want, love is what I have always wanted;
but I know I don’t need love to know who I am, to be who I want to be.

I’ve already found the greatest love of all, inside of me.

Please don’t cry and please don’t be sorry.
I hope you always find what you’ve dreamed of;
I honestly mean that, from the bottom of my heart.

Wherever life takes you, I’ll be happy,
even if you’re happiness doesn’t include me.

Although all I want to do is lay you in my arms and hold you, just like you like,
I know I can’t.

A lot has changed;
my world has almost slowed down and I live how I believe I should.

But one thing will not change,
I will always love you.

If We Can't Change, We Can't Grow

Change is a big part of everyone's lives, it is what helps us grow and what, in essence, helps us live. If we don't grow and evolve with the world around us, we are not living our lives. I like to look at change as an improvement of ourselves, a decision to better ourselves, for us and for those around us. But any change, even those for the better, come with drawbacks, discomfort; unintended casualties if you will. And I know that we all make the choice to change, or not to change, because we feel it is the best for us; it is a selfish approach. Think about how far you are willing to go, or how much are you willing to sacrifice for the sake of change? How many people are you willing to hurt, or what values are you willing to go against, for the sake of change? In other words, how selfish are you willing to be, for your own good. Shouldn't we all simply worry about ourselves and do whatever it is that makes us feel better? Aren't we all in this world to take care of ourselves first, and the rest after? I honestly don't think so. If we go through life being so self-centered, worrying about ourselves only, our happiness only, our well being only, then that is exactly what we are going to end up with, ourselves only. Now, don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people who end up on the other extreme, being doormats to the world, trying to please everyone else, changing constantly for others, even at their own expense and that is not right either, we should never do that. But finding a balance is honestly not that hard, or at least shouldn't be.

Change for the sake of change is not healthy either. Just because we are bored with something, or someone, doesn't mean we should change, dispose of it; just because we are bored with our car, doesn't mean we should change it. I feel a lot of people in today's society change, simply because they feel it is time, it is the next logical thing. And I mean that at even the grandest of schemes. Change means anything and everything, changing your car, your house, your job, even your marital status. Why change just because you think it is logical? For example why do people get married, simply because they feel it is the logical progression of life? We do people have kids, simply because of the same reason? To be honest, I have no idea, but maybe I have fallen into that category more often that I'd like to admit. We all make conscious decisions every day to change; from small changes to life altering changes. But do we really consider what we are doing when we are doing it? Do we really think about what it means in the larger scheme of things and how it will affect us in the future? Or do we simply do it for instant gratification, to relieve ourselves from a weight that might have been on us and it is simply to exhausting to deal with? It is always easier to change, dispose of what we have and find something new, rather than dealing with pain and trouble. I look at my wife and I honestly see that. I don't know what she is going through, what is on her mind, what she thinks and feels every minute of the days that go by. But I do know that she chose to change for her own sake, for her happiness and for her own well being. I am not saying that she is selfish, or a bad person for that matter; after all we have all done this in one way or another. But maybe her choice to change has more collateral damage than she expected. And even if it does, should she really care? Should anyone care what and who gets damaged in the process of our search for happiness? We are all different and we would all answer that question differently. There is really no right or wrong answer, there are only answers tied to our individual values and principles.

What I am trying to say today is that change is mostly good, this change is what allows us to grow as people, as friends, as husbands and wives, as sons and daughters. But change always comes with a lot of baggage and we need to be conscious of this. Like I said, even the best changes for us, cause pain somewhere else. Not all change is growth, just like all movement is not forward. Change because you want to and not because you feel you have to. Just as we change, life changes as well. When you are in a bad situation, calm down, give it time, it'll change; when you're in a good situation, stay calm, enjoy it, it'll also change. Always remember that just when you think it is all going to hell and you are ready to quit, it is the moment just before a miracle happens; be patient and be open to change, juts be wise about it.

A Vida é Amor Em Acção

I have been in Brazil since Monday morning, hence the title in Portuguese, and the trip has been truly fantastic. I have been able to see different places in these past few days, learn a lot of new things, meet great people, gotten to know other people better. It has been great to get away from the routine and, I guess, the real world, for a few days; I really needed it. But I've also had a lot of time to think, reflect in my life and everything that is going on around me. The title says that life is love in action, and I do believe that to be true. During this time I've gotten to think, I have understood that life, should be filled by love and actions of love, to those few we hold close to us.

But anyway; I am not afraid to fly; I have flown a lot in my life and honestly have never been scared to get on a plane. I know that God has a time for me, and whenever that time comes, there is nothing I can do about it. I have learned that in the past couple of months, and to be honest, I know it is true. It is hard to come to that realization, but my faith helps me understand it. It also helps me understand that life is short and we have to make the most of it, I have to take advantage of it. However, I do fear one thing about flying; I fear not being able to come back to those I love; in a way, letting those I love down. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel there are a lot of things I still want to do with all the people who mean so much to me. I want to be there for my nephew as he grows up, I want to start my own family, I want to feel loved again. I know all those things will happen, because God wants those things for me, I know that. But the fear is there. I have said it a few times already, on different posts, different days. Always tell those you love, that you love them, you never know if that will be the last time you talk to them. Going on a trip, as trivial as it sounds and honestly is, really makes you think, is this the last time I talk to them? It is not a negative view on things, it is simply not being blind to the real possibilities we face every day, with every risk we take. I didn't live by what I preached last Sunday, as I boarded that plane. I didn't tell all those people who mean so much to me, that I love them, I only said it to a few. And it got me to thinking. As the plane took off, I thought about it and cried. I thought about, if this is it, those who I love might be left with words other than "I love you" from me. I take these relationships so much to heart, that I don't want to have those feelings. It might sound selfish, because I'm only looking at this from my perspective and what I feel and who I love, but to me that is important. I want to be a good person, I've said it multiple times. And I mean that to heart. I want to be the best I can for all the people who mean something in my life, and I mean all those people. I have learned that it is not worth it to hold resentment inside of us, and it is most definitely detrimental to ourselves to do onto others for the sole purpose of revenge; revenge only hurts he who seeks revenge. We are beings capable of forgiveness, capable to rationalize and understand situations, very complex situations, and that is exactly what has helped me become who I am today.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring as I board yet another plane and embark on my way back home. I don't know what next week holds for me, next month, this whole year, my life... I believe that taking advantage of the opportunities presented to you is the only thing you can truly control. I have realized that it is only my life that I have control over, and that I should stop trying to control and fix other people's lives. I know there is a reason for everything that is happening and I know I have to be patient. I know what legacy I want to leave behind, a man who was kind and a person who did good, a person who loved those who he believed were at his core. There's a few people I hold dear to my heart, people I love, in different ways and at different levels. I'm so sorry if I didn't tell you I loved you before I left, but I do promise you that this time, and from this point forward, you will always hear those words from me. To all of you, and you know who you are, I thank you and I love you, from the bottom of my heart.

Love Is Nothing More Than Exposing Ourselves To The Pain of Being Hurt

I know that sounds negative but if you think about it, it is entirely true. Love is nothing more than the absence of judgement, us becoming vulnerable to someone else, giving ourselves entirely to someone who can take it all away in a second. When we think about the love we have for someone, rational thinking goes out the window. I know it very well. The first month I would have done absolutely anything to make this marriage work, I would have put everything that happened aside, because of love. But as time goes by, rationality sets back in, and mostly due to apathy, a feeling of numbness to everything and everyone around you. And I'm not saying it is right to feel that way, but it is natural, it is part of the process.

But back to love. What really is love? Love is a lot more than just a feeling, a lot more than a feeling for someone. Love is a realization that we no longer are individuals, but that we now share something with someone else. Love is unselfish; it's caring, protecting someone, at all costs. Think of love as the fire on a grill; in the beginning the flames of love are blazing, often very hot and fierce! ;) But as love grows between two people, hearts mature, and love starts to become more like hot coals; slow but steady burning. We sometimes get so caught up on saying those 3 precious words, and what they mean. And don't get me wrong I honestly believe, and I have said it on this blog before, always tell those you love, that you love them, because you never know if that will be the last time you talk to them. But what do those words mean without actions behind them? Love is more-so true devotion to someone else, it is sustained by actions and loyalty, every day. I've said it before and I'll say it again, love is more than just romantic excitement. If it was everyone would be in love after the first date! It is much more than a pure desire to be with someone. I guess to me it is a deep appreciation for someone else, for who they are and who they help you become. It is loving someone for who they choose to be and not who you want them to be, because that would be nothing more than loving a reflection of yourself in someone else.

We all define love differently and I guess what I am saying is that love means different things to all of us. But I think that the purest of definitions is the absolute wish for someone else's happiness. Love is not only being happy when those we love are happy, but feeling pain when they feel pain. I can honestly say I wish for my wife's happiness, whatever that means. I know that if she is happy, I will be happy; that is just the kind of person I am, or better yet, the person I have become and want to be. And that is truly sincere from me, I have always wished that for her, even from the beginning. But I now also wish for my own happiness, wherever and with whomever that may be. I know in the end it'll all be OK, I know I'll be happy and I know she'll be happy. I know that in this process I have met and will meet new people, important people. I said it yesterday, I am open to new opportunities and new ventures, I know life has a plan for me. Always keep love in your heart; a life without love is like a garden without sun.

Don't Worry About The Circumstances, Just Create New Opportunities

I know lately I haven't been writing a whole lot; or at least as much as I did in the beginning. But I'd like to look at that as progress, progress in this journey I am on. In the beginning I had a lot of time in my life, time for me to reflect, time to think of what had happened, time to think of what was to come. And I felt I needed to write, a lot. It helped me so much, that I honestly attribute a lot of my progress to my writing. Simply because it has allowed me to put everything out there and help others in the process. But now, now I've become more active, have gone back to my old self. I stay busier and fill my life with other things, other people. Lately, I've been choosing to write when I'm inspired about a particular subject or something happens in my life. Today, I'd like to talk about new opportunities and new beginnings; really the essence of what keeps us moving forward in life.

I think sometimes we concern ourselves too much with circumstances that we forget to look forward; and I am guilty of that. It is completely understandable, however, for us to feel as if we need to pay attention to our current circumstances, pay attention to what is happening around us and what has happened in the past, because after all it is reality. Sometime ago I talked about freedom, freedom to move on. And when I think back to that, I realize that for me to have the freedom to move forward to new opportunities and to produce results in my life, I need to start living in the present and not in the past. That's easier said than done, but it is what I chose to do.

New opportunities come to us every day. Some bigger than others, some life changing, some trivial. And you must stay open to them, or they will pass you by. You never know in life, when that one life changing opportunity will come, and that is why I choose to make the best of every opportunity that is given to me. Opportunities are gifts, from God I'd like to think, through coincidence, through other people, through life. Life opens up opportunities to you, every day, and you can either choose to take them or choose to be afraid of taking them and missing out. I have learned that sometimes opportunities are disguised as hard work, as trouble, even pain, and that is why people fail to recognize them. But as with anything else in life, greatness only comes with hard work, dedication and sacrifice. I have recently realized that I need to think of myself first and others second, put myself in a position to succeed, and find my happiness. And I know that for it to happen, I need to stay open to any opportunity life throws at me. Things happen for a reason, you meet people for a reason, you find things every day for a reason. And keep in mind that those reasons are truly irrelevant, and you shouldn't try to understand the whys of life. As I do, you should only embrace the opportunities as they come and try; try new things. 

Every day we wake up, could be the day we lose someone we love; it could even be our last day. We never know when those days will come and that is why I think I keep talking about opportunities. Life has a way to give us chances; chances for us to be with people we love, when we didn't expect to be with them, chances to meet new people we would have never met, under other circumstances! I believe, and I tell those I care about, that we need to seize those opportunities and cherish them; don't be afraid of them. Choose happiness over sadness and excitement over fear. Every new opportunity that opens up has good and bad, and sometimes people focus only on the bad, the fear of what could be. But we need to focus on the good, the happiness those opportunities could bring to us, and to others. No one said it would be easy, and trust me, it won't, but why go through life afraid of what life itself can throw at you? In all honestly, there are going to be some horrible things that happen, to all of us. But there is a reason for them and I am starting to see them. Who knows what the future holds, who knows what will happen tomorrow, in a week, in a month... I sure don't, but I know that whatever it is life puts in front of me, through chance, through others, I will be open to it. Opportunities are nothing but a key to a door we have never opened and we have no idea what is behind it. But if we never open it, we'll never find out.

In Looking Back, I Can't Find Anything I Regret

This is a different kind of post than most days. If you think about it, and have read my Blog from the beginning, I didn't really start writing until two weeks after everything happened. The first week was probably the toughest because it was full of confusion and questions, back and forth between love and anger, if you will. Last night while I was laying in bed, I picked up this notebook where I wrote every day for the first week, while I was in Houston. And I thought, all those feelings are important, everything I went through during those days is part of the story, and in retrospect, I have no regrets, not only on what I did, but on how I felt. I thought I would start posting some of those chapters, I thought they need to be here, to tie together everything that has happened and how I have evolved from the very beginning to where I am today. I'm sorry if the writing is scattered but I wrote this throughout the day!

Thursday, December 6th, 2012

Thursday and in the office with Horacio today., I thought it would be good to come today. This place is really nice, I want to steal one of these chairs and send it back to Greenville! If only I could!

Yesterday I told Kelli that as much as I hurt doing it, I couldn't text her or call her anymore. I just couldn't. She said she would text me and call me, so we'll see. She did text me last night, saying "I love you". This only confuses me more. I hope she does, I really do. I hope these are signs of good to come. I only replied, "I love you too". I hope this means something, but I don't know. This morning she texted me to say good morning and that made me happy because it came from her. I just replied and we exchanged some texts, but nothing else. Work is pretty much boring right now, not much to do with production complete for the year! These are supposed to be good times though, but unfortunately they are not. I really hope they can still be, I really do. Still praying a lot, especially to Saint Jude. I feel he was my Grandpa's favorite Saint and I know he will help me. We had lunch today at this Mexican place, delicious. The shrimp we huge and the portions were just gigantic. Everything was really good. It was really nice of Horacio's friend to invite me to their Christmas lunch! I really miss Kelli so much. She is my wife and my best friend, really has been everything for the past 7 years. I know I have to stay positive. Not a whole lot of work this afternoon, so it should be pretty quiet.

We went to the gym after work, and right before we got there, Kelli texted me; just saying that she hoped i was having a good day; I said yes and that I hoped she was too. Took her a couple of hours to get back to me, but then she said she was having a good day too and to say hi to Horacio and Tracey. I only said, "OK, I love you". The more I think about it, I do, but I can't explain why sometimes. It sucks that we have to go through this but that is life. I don't think I'll talk to her today, I really don't, and I wish that I could, but I need to contain myself. If she wants to talk, she can call; I just hope she is not talking to anyone else.

When the night comes it seems to get harder for me; going to bed alone is hard. I don't like it at all and I pray she doesn't either. I hope she calls soon, maybe tomorrow. I was supposed to be at her school tomorrow for career day and I hate that I am missing it. Maybe I can do it another time.

We had some Peruvian chicken for dinner, just me, Horacio and Luca. The little man devoured the fries and ate more ketchup than I had all year! Tracey went out with a friend. After dinner, football and now to bed. I think I am scared of going to sleep and that is why I stay up every night. I don't think I have slept more than 3 hours in the past week. I need to go to sleep though.

So the best thing just happened to me! It is close to 2am and I was sitting in bed, trying to go to sleep when I heard Luca in his room. I walked over and he was standing in his crib, just holding on to the rails. I picked him up and help him and brought him to me bed. He laid on me with his eyes wide open for a few minutes, so quiet, then fell asleep. He slept on me for a few minutes and then I just took him back to his crib. He seems so peaceful, it really was a great feeling! I think this has made me realize how much I really want kids. I know it is what I want and I thought it was what Kelli wanted as well. We have talked about it and were both on board, but things seem to have changed. Anyway, I need to fall asleep, the lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me. Tomorrow will be another day, we'll see what happens.

It's funny to read this and think of how much things have changed and how I put myself out there at the time and didn't get anything back. I honestly don't know what the future will bring, but I know I can't look back. Think about it, looking back will only get me into an accident, because I am going to run into something I didn't see. I'd much rather look forward than look back. I don't regret anything I felt or anything I did back then and even now. I am who I am today because of everything in my past and all I hope is that the future is much brighter.