Make It Your Habit Not to Be Critical of Small Things

I think a lot of us believe that it is the small things in life, and in marriage, that matter the most. But is that really true? If we think about it, are the small things, those little things we do for each other and for others, are those the things that will lead us to happiness? I personally don't think so, and don't get me wrong, I do believe they do matter, to an extent, but it is hard to understand sometimes why all of us, me included, pay so much attention to those little things. As the title says, why are we so critical of small things? I am yet to understand the reasons of my wife's departure. They all seem to me like "small things". They all seem to me like things that shouldn't affect one's happiness, or better yet, are things that can easily be worked on, changed. But then again, we all consider different things for our happiness. It is funny how life works, how out of nowhere it will put something in front of you that makes so much sense, and relates so much to you. Tonight, my brother shared with me something he saw, a story of sorts, something that when I read it, I just laughed and immediately thought about putting it up here. So here it is; I think it truly shines some light on those little things, those little things we spend so much time and energy worrying about.

"A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full; they agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly, the pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full; they agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full; the students responded with a unanimous yes. The professor then produced two beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand; the students laughed. 

'Now', the professor said as laughter subsided. 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends and you favorite passions - and if everything else was lost and only them remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children, spend time with your parents, visit the grandparents, take your spouse out to dinner, play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities, the rest is just sand".

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled and said, "I'm glad you asked. The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with a friend".

I think we sometimes worry so much about the little things, that we forget about those things that are truly important in life. We have been told so many times that it is the little things that matter, that we have started to take that as if the big things don't. We need to spend more time on the things that matter most. And again, don't get me wrong, as I said earlier, the small things do matter as well, but I do believe however, that it is more so in a way where if you let those small things go, build up, they will become big things, and therefore become problems. I recently read a quote that ties in very well with this post. It said, "What a profound significance small things assume when the woman we love conceals them from us". I feel that is what has lead to my situation. I feel it is an accumulation of small things, things that could have been worked on, but there was no communication. And for whatever reason that was, it is reality now. Spend time worrying about the things that matter most, don't leave your future in someone else's hands and pay attention to the small things but don't be critical of them; life is too short to be wasted on that sand.

Pain Will Leave You When You Let Go

It has been almost a month since this all happened, and in all honesty it doesn't feel that long at all. It seems like it was yesterday we were together, laughing and living our lives. But that is no longer reality; reality is me by myself and her by herself, or with whoever it is she chooses. I now know that, I know that my wife has found someone else, at least someone who she enjoys being with, enjoys spending time with, I guess you could say, feels happy with. And there is nothing I can do about it. As you very well know, I have fought, fought so much, but to no avail. Nothing has worked, or better yet, nothing I have done has mattered. I know my wife has reached out to me, for our anniversary for example, but I have later found out, those things didn't really mean a whole lot, or better said, didn't really change anything. In fact those things never had a chance to change anything, and I think that is what hurts the most. I have tried and tried, and she has agreed at times to do things, in the beginning for the most part. But I don't know if she ever thought about coming back, even in the first few days, or if she had already made up her mind. Either way, it doesn't really matter anymore. What is in the past is and must stay in the past. No good will come of me trying to understand why things happened or why she did all the different things she did.

The time has come to let go and move on. And please understand that it is not my decision to do so, but I am left with no choice. What else am I to do? Do I continue to believe my wife will come back? Just like that, one day she will wake up and decide to come back? I have to be realistic. Days go by that I don't hear anything from her, and then out of the blue I receive a "Hi". What does that mean? Is she trying to keep me just there, interested enough? Or is it guilt acting up on her? Does she truly miss me? I don't know and it really makes no difference at this point. Either way, I have reached a point in this journey, where I have to tell my wife one thing. And that is that it is time to let go. I believe she has found something with someone else, she has found some kind of happiness, or infatuation for that matter, and to be honest, I am happy for her. I know that to be able to let go, truly let go, we cannot hate. All the things we hate are engraved in our hearts. If we truly want to move on, truly let go, then we must only love. If this is truly what she wants, I can't stop her, I can't beg her to stay and I can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. But she also needs to understand that she needs to give me the opportunity to try and find my happiness, again. I said it yesterday, my heart needs the chance to find happiness as well. If she has truly found something else, or is pursuing something with someone else, then she needs to let me go, that is all I ask.

It is very hard for all of us to let things go but we must be willing to let go of the life we currently have if we want something else. It is not possible, or fair even, to try and hold on to both. Of course that is the perfect situation, right? Go try this other thing out and then if it doesn't work out, come back. But I will not stand for that, regardless of how much I love her. I believe this is one of those situations where she doesn't want to be with me, but she also doesn't want anyone else to have me. Remember back when we were kids and we didn't want to play with a toy, but we also didn't want anyone else to have it. Well, in real life as much as we want that, that is selfish and unfair to others.

I have been grieving for weeks now, going through tough times, but getting better every day. I don't know how she has been feeling, but I I have to think it is much easier when you are the one who has found something else, has an outlet, if you will; or at leats so I think. I don't have that, not now, and not in the past. I have to grieve on my own and I have been believing for the longest time that there was a chance for this to work out. But as I keep finding things out, that window closes and reality sinks in. I only think of what is to come and how I am going to move on, on my own. What are my plans for the future, how am I going to try to achieve all the things I want to achieve in life. I have to think of myself now, but it is very hard to do without closure. I need closure, but for that to happen, I need my wife to let me go. To tell me, once and for all, that she has moved on, move on with someone else, if that is really the case. Or tell me otherwise, but whatever it is talk to me. That will be the day I can truly move on, start planning for the future and start closing this chapter of my life, whether that is with her or without her. I don't know when that day will come, but I have been asking for a while now, and I hope it is soon. All I ask now is for her to let me go or tell me the truth, be honest. I know she is scared of this, but the key to change, to moving on, is to let go of fear. It is not easy to let go, I know it is not for her and it is not for me, but it has to happen sooner or later. We cannot keep going like this, with uncertainty, with lies; with everything this marriage and friendship was not built on. I know that day will come, and I hope it is soon. And when that day comes, I know I'll be ready for whatever life throws at me. I recently read that letting go doesn't quite mean you don't care about someone anymore; it is only the realization that the only person you have control over is yourself. I know I have to stay open to anything and anyone, and I know that as hard as it has been and will continue to be, I must also be ready to let her go.

All That I Am & Hope to Be, I Owe to My Mother

All along I have been talking about me and my wife and all that is going on in my life, and with reason. After all, all the pain and suffering I have been going through have been caused by that, all my wife's actions and words have led me to this. What she has done to me is the only reason why I stated writing this blog. But now I feel better, truly better, inside. And I have been asking myself, why? How is it possible for me to be this calm, this soon; after such an incredibly painful event, something that has changed my life as I know it today. I keep saying that I am a better person, that I have values, principles, that I know right from wrong. I said yesterday that, even though I could go out and do whatever I wanted during this time, I don't and that is because I don't think it is right, it goes against what I stand for, my morals.

And then I thought, how did I get to be the person I am today? How am I able to react to such a painful event, in such a calm way? Don't get me wrong, I have cried, and gone through hell in the past weeks, but now, now I am calm, at ease. Am I in complete denial of what is happening? I also wrote a few days back that I can't find it inside me to be angry at her, but why? All in all, why do I feel the way I feel today? I know that it is because of my values, my morals, the principles I was raised by. And I have no one to thank but my mom. She made me the man I am today, and I will never forget that. You have to understand that my mom is an incredible woman, a woman with very strong character, caring, loving and with incredible values; simply a good person at heart. I know I get my values and morals from her, because she always taught us to be better people, always try to help others and most of all stay humble. The title of this post comes from something Lincoln said, and I feel it applies to me too. I am the man I am today because of her. Not only because of the things she taught me, a strong moral foundation, principles, boundaries, understanding right from wrong, but also because of what I saw her do while we were growing up. Our childhood wasn't the most stable and it wasn't normal, per say, but I saw her fight, fight for herself and fight for her children. I saw her sacrifice so much for us, my brother and I, that I really learned from a young age, that we need to sacrifice for those we love, for those who need us. She did it for us and I know I have to do it for my family. I am much like her, in character and values of life, and I would not change that for anything.

All through this process a lot of people have helped me; family, friends, people I have randomly met; I have talked to people from all walks of life, believe me, and they all have had very insightful advice, very wise words. But there is no advice like that from your mother. And I think that is because it is not so much advice as it is encouragement and truth. It is reassuring to know that your mom is there behind you, that she supports you and that she, of all people, believes you are doing the right thing. But she is also honest with me, and tells me the things that maybe I don't want to hear, but I need to. I know that even when I get mad at her, because she goes on and on about things I just don't want to hear, I listen to her, and I appreciate her honesty. I think that is what separates my wife and I in this process. I am willing to talk to those people who I know love me and have my best interest in life, because they know me, they know who I am and they want to see me succeed. These are the people who tell me the truth and don't really care how I take it. They know I need to hear the truth. On the other hand, my wife seems to do the opposite. She has been ignoring, if you will, all those people who know and love her the most, and spending time talking to people who have no idea who she is as a person, who to be honest, don't really care what happens to her in the long run. But the reason, in my opinion, is that she is scared of the truth, she is scared of what those few people will say to her, she knows it won't be pretty. BUt those are her choices and there is nothing I can do about them, I need to respect them.

This is still a hard process to go through, and I know I have to go through all the stages. But my mom has been there for every stage, to help me, to talk when I need to talk, or to simply give me the space I need. She understands what I am going through, very well and I think that has helped me even more. It is still hard to accept that it will all be OK, even when I know it will. I mean, my world came crumbling down in front of my eyes and my hands were tied behind my back. As I find more things out, I continue to grieve, but it helps me, it helps to know the truth, even if I have to find out on my own. Every day I feel I get better, I find more inner peace and I start to see glimpses of what the future might bring for me. It excites me, to be honest, and I know that future holds a lot of uncertainty, but I feel I do know one thing; I know that regardless of what happens, regardless of what choice I make, how I choose to move on and with who, I know my mom will be there, by my side, supporting me all the way. Thanks mom, I love you!

Happiness in Marriage Is Much Like a Ninja, So Incredibly Evasive

I wanted to follow up a little bit on what I wrote earlier this morning. I was thinking today on my way to and from the gym, where I spend a lot of my time nowadays, about happiness, again, and why all this has happened. I thought, well, happiness in a marriage is not a constant thing, it never has been and never will be, happiness is something we fight for, everyday, with the person we chose to be with. Any husband and wife will tell you that happiness is something that needs to be worked on, something that you must want, inside, not something that naturally occurs and grows every day.

My wife has said she is unhappy, kind of, that she feels like she walks on eggshells around me, that she feels I treat her like a daughter, rather than a wife. I can't really say much about it, because, in my opinion, that is not the case, that is simply me showing my love for her, me worrying so she doesn't have to; but then again maybe I did, I don't know. I struggle, however, to understand why she feels she can find happiness elsewhere, just like that. I am not saying, by any means, that she cannot find happiness elsewhere, but instantly? How about the seven years we spent together, fighting, working, loving. I don't know how long she has been unhappy, but I have to imagine it has been a while, I mean, I don't think she would just get up an go, just like that! But why didn't she tell me anything before? I don't know what happened and in fact I don't even know what is happening, right now. I said earlier today that happiness hinges on a clean conscience, and that honesty is crucial. If my wife is that unhappy that she feels she needs to explore another relationship, with someone else she feels makes her happy, then why doesn't she just tell me! Why can't she tell me, if that is the case, to my face, that she doesn't love me anymore as a husband, and that she wants to be with someone else. I know, or at least I am pretty sure that, from her actions, that is the case; remember that actions speak louder than words. But she is scared of telling me, she says she doesn't want to hurt me, but I hurt more by not knowing. Or maybe it is that she is terrified of leaving everything, and starting over, by herself, or with someone who is much of an unknown to her; that would make more sense.

Butterflies in the stomach will only get you so far in life and love, but if that is what she considers happiness, I must respect that, and I do. I might not agree with it, but as I've said, we all define happiness differently. All I ask for is honesty, so I can look ahead and try to give my heart a chance to find true happiness, once again. I am ready to move forward, but I need closure, from her, if that is what she really wants. As bad as this will sounds, she cannot use me as a backup to her experiments, if you will; you are either with me or not, but you can't have both, that is not fair. I have loved that woman with everything I have, and I know she is scared. But in life, tough choices have to be made, and the sooner we make them, the least people get hurt. Happiness in a marriage, and love for that matter, are a lot like ninjas, they move and we can't really see them or touch them, but we know they are there. That is why we choose to fight, fight dragons if you will, to keep finding those things, everyday, together. 

Some Cause Happiness Wherever They Go, Others Whenever They Go

I'd like to start this post on a bit of a tangent if you don't mind! It's been two weeks since I started this blog and to be honest, before that, I never thought I'd do it, I never thought I'd go through with it and start. But it has helped me so much, it has helped me vent, get everything off my chest, put it out there for others to see, for people to get something out of it, to help people even. I have seen that my blog has been read in Germany and in Canada, and that really makes me so happy! I want to tell my story because I know that a lot of people have to go through this and I feel that maybe, just maybe, I can help someone, inspire people, anywhere and everywhere. This sucks so much, and I know we all need help and that's why I want to hear from you too, I want to hear encouragement from those who are or have gone through this, I want to hear your story.

So anyway, let's talk about happiness. I while back I asked the question, what is happiness, true happiness? How do we really define happiness? Happiness can mean so many different things to different people, but in the end, I think happiness is a shared feeling, something we share with someone else. In a marriage, your happiness is just as dependent upon your spouse's happiness as it is on yourself, and I think sometimes we forget that. We get so caught up on what we want, what makes us happy, that we make decisions based on that and we forget about others. We hear so much, "you need to do what makes you happy", but is that really good advice? Don't get me wrong, you cannot stay in an unhappy situation just out of pity, or just because, but honesty is key in those situations. I think back to my story and I think that honesty would make this process much less painful.

And then I ask, why do people try to take advantage of others at times of weakness? How is it possible that my wife, an incredible person I have loved for so long, has all of the sudden changed so radically in her pursuit of happiness? How did this all happen? Bad influences, bad people around her? Maybe. We need to understand that happiness is not something we can chase; you'll never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of, you'll never live if you keep looking for the meaning of life. Think about that, you can't keep chasing things in life, especially happiness, you'll never find it. When we marry someone we make the conscious decision to be with someone, to be happy with and for them, to look past things that annoy us, to fight for our happiness with them. We are all tempted in life, presented with alternatives, but it is how we deal with those temptations that will define our future. Being happy doesn't mean you're perfect, it just means you are willing to look past the imperfections.  We must be able to differentiate between true happiness, true love if you will and mindless self-indulgence. I think of my wife and this situation and I think of that, nothing more than mindless self-indulgence, searching for that "craziness" she feels means happiness, above everything and everyone else.

Buddha said that for us to find happiness, true happiness, we must first be able to control and discipline our own minds. Once we can do that, the enlightenment of the world will naturally come to us. I've pointed that out before, we have to be able to rationalize our feelings, what our hearts tell us, before we can truly be happy. I think that a good way to lose your happiness, however, is wanting it at the expense of everything else; you will hurt so many people in the process, so many innocent bystanders. In life, we need to be committed to making good moral decisions to achieve happiness, and not be concerned with running after swift and synthetic happiness. I don't know why my wife doesn't see this, or maybe she does and she just ignores it, who knows! But she forgets that happiness is something that is built over a long period of time, infatuation on the other hand, is quick forming, is that feeling in your stomach, that feeling of craziness, that feeling of "happy". Those feelings come and go, but admiration for someone else, appreciation and respect for another person, those things develop over time, over good and bad times.

I can honestly say today that I am happy; I have been happy for a while and that hasn't changed. I won't lie, I am lonely, emotionally, but that will go away. I am happy with myself and at no point have I blamed myself for anything that has happened. My wife's actions are her choices and I do respect them, but I do not agree with them. I hold my head up high and know that, although I could have done some things differently, there is not much I could have done to prevent this, maybe delay it, but not prevent it. She chose to do this, to chase her happiness, to chase whatever it is she feels is there. And time will only tell how this will end. And don't get me wrong, we all make decisions to be happy, but what differentiates us is how we align those decisions to our values, our principles, our morals. I believe that my happiness, although very important, is not above everything and everyone. Maybe I am too unselfish, but I don't think that is quite it. I think it is more so respect for others and a deep understanding of life's values. We should always pursue our happiness, I know, but we should never use that as an excuse to do wrong unto others; it does not give us a free pass to act incorrectly, to hurt others. The title might be misleading, but the whole point of it is to show that we must keep an open mind, because it is sometimes these horrible situations that bring us true happiness in the end. I don't know where my wife's happiness lays or whether it is meant to be with me or not, only time will tell, and maybe my happiness doesn't really lay with her. But in the end we need to keep one thing in mind, and that is that happiness requires a clean conscience and a clean conscience is only filled with good will, love and most of all, honesty.

For Every Minute You Remain Angry, You Lose Sixty Seconds of Peace of Mind

It is amazing how life works and how we learn so many things in these times of incredible pain, we learn so many things about ourselves. I've gone through so much in these past few weeks, as you know, so much pain, deceit, confusion, emotional stress, but I have yet to be angry. And I mean that honestly, I haven't had feelings of anger towards my wife, not once; yes, I will accept that I have lost it at times and I might have cursed, maybe a few times, but not once have I felt anger, true inner anger towards her. I really don't know why, and I feel like maybe I should, after all she has chosen to do this, do this to me. I know she feels she is doing this for herself, because she needs to and wants to, but she doesn't seem to understand that when you make the decision to marry someone, all your actions will always affect your other half. But going back to anger, why can't I be angry at her, tell her to take a hike, for all I know she has already checked out. But I guess it is not in my nature to be like that, I love her, still, and maybe I am just better than that; a better person maybe? I don't know that, and I will be the first to say that we are all the same, in the end, but I also have always believed there are only two types of people in this world, the educated and the uneducated. And I don't only mean that literally, because education goes far beyond school and most importantly starts at home, with principles and character building, boundaries. My wife and I, the educated live a life of principle and good character, can tell right from wrong if you will, understand the difference between the two. The uneducated, well, you can figure that out yourselves. Has something changed in her? I don't know, and I sure hope not.

Why do people do things they know are wrong? Why does someone pursue a married person, when they know that goes against everything life stands for, when they know they are breaking up a marriage, hurting others, hurting innocent people. Why are people so selfish and so arrogant, that they believe their happiness is above anything and everything in this world? I mean, seriously? I know I am starting to sound angry, but realize that I write this with a smile on my face, an honest feeling of peace. I feel so bad for my wife, I really do and I will keep saying it. It is just painful to watch all this happen, she seems to have lost all common sense, all clear thinking; and it honestly breaks my heart. But I also know I can't get angry at her because if I let her anger me, I let her conquer me. I will take control of my life and move it forward, I will not let anyone drag me down. Anger is poison to our souls, it eats us from the inside, and it kills us eventually, it kills our spirit.

I think about this person my wife has told me about, someone she might have feelings for, feelings she feels she needs to explore and I think, what can I say to him, or them, what can I do. Should I do something, say something? When I think about it now, absolutely not! I once read that we should never contend with someone who has nothing to lose; I am the only with something to lose, all to lose here and he has all to win, he's playing with house money if you will. I have told my wife, I will not, under any circumstance, compete with someone else for her; I asked her to marry me, and that should be all she needs. But it is not and that's why we are here today, writing, and reading this blog, my thoughts and feelings. She continues to make bad choices, but the pain will subside, I know that, all pain does, and it really has for the most part already. No one can make you feel guilty if you have nothing to feel guilty of. I said a few days back, a clean conscience is what keeps us sane and peaceful, it's what keeps us from feeling guilty. Guilt is us punishing ourselves before God doesn't; and yes, I said doesn't, because God doesn't punish us; he loves us all.

After all, I know I must stay calm when I speak, and I know that is something I am working on, but I also feel that I am entitled to answers and I need to hear them, this is my life as well. I once heard that holding on to anger is much like holding on to a hot piece of coal that you are waiting to throw at someone, in the end, we are the only ones who will get burned. We need to learn compassion for others, forgiveness for those who need our forgiveness, those who are lost. This is my case, that is my reality. By forgiving I am choosing to be the bigger person, the responsible one, the better person. Someone told me last night that my loving kindness has not wilted, that I am already winning with my ability to endear people to me and that I must keep shining. That is the person I choose to be every day when I wake up. I choose to be a good person, to think of others and to not have feelings of hate, spite or anything that stains my heart. Gandhi once said that anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding. I need to realize that I need to be calm, because nothing is gained from angry discussions. I now need to focus on what tomorrow will bring, what the seasons will bring; but always remember that anything that starts with anger, with spite, ends in shame.

Fighting Dragons

 

The title might be misleading, and of course I have no plans to fight any dragons anytime soon! I would first have to manage to find one! But today I wanted to write something about our wedding rings and what they really mean. Fighting Dragons has meaning to us, because it is what we were planning on getting engraved inside our wedding rings; one would say "Fighting" and the other one would have "Dragons". This stems from Taylor Swift's song "Long Live", where she talks about, just that, a long life together and how we would go to any length to stay together, even fighting dragons. It is of course a metaphor for going to any length to fight for the marriage, to fight for what you believe to be so important in your life, to fight for that person who you believe is the one for you. I think something that I have had trouble understanding so far as you know, is the why of all this. Why is my wife not willing to fight for this marriage, why is she not willing to fight dragons with me? I don't know and I think what's done is done, and the reason, as the days go by, becomes more and more irrelevant. Yes, of course I want to know why this happened and how all these happened, but will that change the outcome? I don't think so and it really shouldn't. It is now a matter of making decisions and moving forward. Sometimes when we find ourselves in these situations, we look for anything that will swing things our way, but I honestly don't think that is healthy. In the end, I would love to see my wife come back, everyone knows that, and yes even after all that has happened, I really would; at least right now that's how I feel! I might be crazy, but to me that commitment is that important and sacred. But if she ever decides to come back, I want it to be for the right reasons, I want it to be because that is what she wants to do, from her heart. Like I said earlier, I think what hurts the most, of all things, is that my wife has not been willing to fight for this. I don't know why; did she just get tired and said the hell with everything? But even then, doesn't this marriage deserve, at the very least, a fight, to the death? I do and I continue to fight. As I told someone, I am still in this marriage, even if I am in it by myself. I will continue to be until someone tells me otherwise. I just hope that it is my wife who tells me otherwise and I don't have to find out any other way.

Getting back to wedding rings, when my wife decided she wanted to leave our home, I had to ask for her ring back, I just had to; you might know this already. It pained me so much to do so, it really did, but I had no choice. It is probably the hardest thing I've had to do so far, honestly. But she was quitting the marriage, for the time being at least, and she couldn't keep that ring on, it would be fake, it would symbolize something she did not currently believe in. That is my Grandmother's wedding ring and it has a lot of sentimental value to me; it just wouldn't be right if she had kept it. On the other hand, I struggled on what to do with mine. The day she left, I took it off, I think out of spite, I felt so down that I wanted nothing to do with it. Then I put it back on, then took it off again... Then the next day a friend asked me why I wasn't wearing it, and after my explanation, she simply told me, "go home and put your wedding ring back on". The reason, she told me, as long as you are in this marriage, even if you are by yourself, you should wear your ring. Our wedding rings symbolize the never-ending love we have for each other, it symbolizes the union we have with someone, a commitment. And I agree with her, because like I said earlier, I am still committed to this marriage, and it saddens me that I am alone in it. I think that sometimes we forget about what we have, we take it for granted and we need to be reminded of it, we need to remember the details, the little things we both have forgotten, and we can only hope that it is not too late when we do. It is such an empty feeling, so empty, when you lay in bed, alone, and don't know where you wife is. It is a horrible feeling, it consumes you inside. As much as I am moving on with my life, trying to make the best of it, it is unnatural to go through this.

I wish it all could change, I wish she would come back and lay in bed with me, where she belongs; I wish she would put her wedding ring back on. But I know I can't force things, and I don't want to; nothing good will come of it. Whatever happens will happen and I will have to learn to deal with it. In marriage we should be prepared for 4 rings; the engagement ring, the wedding ring, suffering and enduring. I am currently suffering and trying to endure and I hope my wife can join me. But if you really think about it, we sometimes have a false idea of what marriage is; marriage is not butterflies, it's not laughs all day every day, is not a constant feeling of craziness; marriage is tough, it is a struggle, it is a never ending fight for love, it is a fight for a person you have a deep love for, respect and a true love for. I hope it all works out for the best, whatever that means, I honestly do; I hope that one day these rings can read "Fighting Dragons"...

The Christmas Spirit Still Lives In Me

Never in a million years did I think that today would go as it did, but it did, and I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. Christmas day is a day to be with family, with those who love you, with those you want to be with you, because it is Christmas! And as I said yesterday, I have been blessed with people in my life, people who I did not expect, who have invited me into their homes, who have considered my situation and opened their doors to me. It feels so good to know that there are people out there who truly care, who understand the Christmas spirit. I said it last night, the true spirit of Christmas, to me, is love, love for those who love you and love for everyone, for all those who need it. And seeing what people have done for me during these holidays, has truly shown me that the Christmas spirit is still alive out there, even when I am going through hell. I keep saying I am not going to lie, and I'll say that again, because this Christmas season has been incredibly hard, tough to deal with, lonely if you will. And I don't mean that literally, because I have been with people who love me, people who listened to me, and people who really truly wanted me to be there. I think I mean it emotionally, emotionally lonely, and that is expected, if you think about it. Although I am dealing with the pain and reality, it is natural for me to feel lonely. I have been used to, for so long, to go to sleep at night and look to my left and see my wife, then wake up and feel her, laying there, still sleeping! That is my routine, and routines are hard to break, we get into them and we expect them. Not all routines are good, per say, but they are what they are. Going to go to sleep at night, with monkeys and tigers, a bear and a moose, laying next to me, is just not the same. There are times when I will move at night, unconsciously, and reach for her, to then realize she is not there. I know time will help, time will help anything, but time takes time!

I did talk to my wife today, she called me. But as lately, the conversations are not pleasant; I know I push a lot, I push for answers, I push for guidance. And that upsets her, that makes her cry, but that is not my goal, at all. I want to talk things through, so I can get guidance, so I can know what to do next, for myself. I wish things could be different, more so along the lines of just talking, getting along. I know it is hard, but I also know I have to understand that I need to be calm, I need to listen and I try to understand her, even when I don't. Regardless, things will happen as they will, and there is nothing I can do. I wish I didn't make my wife cry, because it breaks my heart, it really does. I might not show it when we talk, she might not believe me when I say that, but it does, she is still my wife, and like I've said before, my love hasn't stopped. I can't explain why, and I wish I could, but I think I still feel that I made a commitment to something much bigger than me, much bigger than us and I will go to the end of the world to save it. I know it is irrational, I know it is following my heart, and I said I wouldn't do that, but, I don't know... My wife told me today, that she does want to move out, get her own place, regardless. She had said that before, but I guess I didn't think it was serious, I was trying to hold on to hope.

I don't know what is to come, but I know I have to make tough decisions now, decisions to move on, officially. And I am scared to do so, I am scared to start that process. My wife says it is too fast for that, that is not what she wants. But what does that mean? How can I see my wife go out on her own, live her life, and me not do the same, but continue to hold on to something that is not there? The last thing on my mind today is finding someone else, someone else to replace her. How can I even think about that, when I am still barely holding on to something? How can I do that when I don't want to do that? No one will ever replace her, ever. She was my first true love, the women who I asked to marry me, the woman who I asked to raise my children. I know the future will be tough, but I need to keep my spirits high and I must keep an open mind. I need to understand things that maybe my brain, and heart don't want to; I need to listen, and I need to talk. I need to understand that she is my wife and that I need to let her talk. I know she has made mistakes, and they have hurt me, but we are human.

As Christmas winds down, I think of all the Christmas memories we have together and I smile. The present and the future can't change the past and that will always be there. I don't know how I feel about that, but I know the past will be painful, thinking about it, remembering, for me and for her. But our pasts are what make us who we are today and we need to embrace it. Our futures are defined largely by our pasts, by what happened, but most of all by how we use those experiences, memories, to move forward. Never forget that God loves all of us, regardless of our mistakes. Merry Christmas everyone, may all the blessings in the world be with you and your loved ones; I know those blessings are with me today.

A Clean Conscience is a Never Ending Christmas

On the eve of Christmas, I want to reflect on what Christmas really means. I think we all consider Christmas a time of year, a time to be with family and friends, a time to rejoice the great moments of the year, a time to celebrate, eat and drink. But Christmas is much more than just a time of year, a season; it is a feeling, a state of mind if you will. If you don't have Christmas in your heart, then how can you enjoy it? Christmas is a time for us to cherish peace and goodwill, and remember all that God has done for us, after all it is baby Jesus' birthday! It is a time when we remember all that he did for us, all he sacrificed for us, and it is a time when we can be merciful of others, like he was, to have the real spirit of Christmas. I am trying to do this tonight, trust me, as I grieve with all that has happened. I know mercy and forgiveness is what will give me peace inside, what will give me the true spirit of Christmas. This is a very hard Christmas for me. I am away from my wife, and to be honest I don't know how she feels about being away from me, especially on this night. She has to feel something, right? I mean, she is human after all. But I don't know that and I think that is what has kept me down all this time, uncertainty. But as things become more clear as the days go by, I continue to find more peace inside and my compassion for her grows. I'd like to think that is the Christmas spirit in me, coming out. I don't want to feel angry, resentful or spiteful; all those feelings go against everything this season stands for and I will not let that ruin my Christmas. I know it is natural to be hateful to someone who has hurt you so much, but we must be better people. We have always been told, don't do to others what you don't want done to you, and I firmly stand by that. Just because someone hurts you, badly, doesn't mean you should hurt them too. We need to be better than that, better than those who hurt us, that is what defines our character, our principles and that is what Christmas is all about. It's about being kind, becoming better people. 

Christmas is just as much a time of celebration, a time to celebrate what family really means. Even after all that has happened, I am still lucky enough to have spent this Christmas with family, people I consider family. I never thought I would be where I am today, spending Christmas Eve, but I am, and I am incredibly grateful to the people who have taken me in, who invited me into their home, to be part of their Christmas. I am so sad I am not able to spend this Christmas with my wife, I can't even begin to tell you how much it hurts me. But I am so happy I get to spend it with my little nephew, my brother, his wife and all her family. They have really shown me the true spirit of Christmas, and as hard as it will be to go through today and tomorrow, I will be forever grateful to them for this. Christmas to me is love in action, is a time when we show our love for others through our actions, it is a time when we share our blessings with our loved ones, remember all those less fortunate than us and give peace to others and to ourselves.

As I continue on this journey, I know I'm going to be OK, I know there is a plan for me. I love Christmas, I love everything about it, time with family, the food, the lights, the music, the peace that one finds inside during this time of year. I ask you that you consider this time a time to do goodwill, to be a good person, to put others ahead of you. I know people have done it for me this Christmas. The feeling of Christmas should never end, no matter what time of year. I honestly believe that a clean conscience is a never ending Christmas, a never ending feeling of Christmas. But what does that really mean? I think what I am trying to say is that as long as our hearts are filled with love, kindness, truth, goodwill and mercy for others, the spirit of Christmas is always with us, Christmas never ends. If our hearts are tainted, filled with remorse, spite, deceit and hatred, then we simply can't enjoy the Christmas spirit, because it is not there. Remember that if you don't have Christmas truly in your heart, no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise, you will never ever find it under a tree.

A Letter to My Wife

Dear Kelli,

I write you this letter with no intention of you reading it, at least for the time being. I want to write you this letter so I can express to you everything that I am going through, have gone through and to show you how I feel. I don't know if you'll ever get to read this, but I feel that for my own good, to start finding peace inside me, I need to write you. Please understand that I don't write this letter with hate or spite, I only write it with love.

A lot has happened in the past several weeks, a whole lot; it all hit me out of nowhere. If you had asked me a few months ago, where we would be now, I would have said, getting ready for the holidays, at home, first time as husband and wife, I know you were so excited about it. I never saw this coming, at all. I knew we had gotten into a bit of a rough patch, but nothing we couldn't get out of, nothing out of the ordinary. When I think back in time, I think of all the tough times we have gone through, together, and how we got through them. What kept us going was our love for each other, our respect for each other, that admiration we have for each other. That hasn't gone away for me, I know it, that is something that takes years upon years to build, and it is not something that can be tore down just like that. But lately you have been a different person, someone I don't know, someone who has forgotten the values that built this home, someone who doesn't seem to know good from bad anymore. It is strange because I always looked at you as very mature for your years, but you have shown me differently, you have shown immaturity, over and over. I have to be honest with you, I have gone to hell and back in these past few weeks, I really have. Not knowing about you, knowing that you are out there, talking to other people, talking to everyone, but your own husband, it has really broken my heart. The uncertainty has and still does kill me; and you have chosen to do that. That pains me, so much. I have had horrible days, days where I just don't know what to do with myself. But as time has gone by, I've started to get better, started to realize that God is testing you and God wants to see how you react; and he is testing me, testing mine and our commitment to this union.

I have shown up until this point, that I am fully committed to you, and you don't seem to be able to do so, I don't know why, maybe you took marriage lightly, or at least it seems so now. You have made some terrible choices, I know that and you know that, you've had and still have some bad influences around you, in the past several weeks and months, people telling you things, people trying to change your mind about things, that not long ago, you were completely sure of; but you have brought that upon yourself and you continue to let them in your life, continue to let them influence you. This is your life, and it is your choice to do whatever it is that you feel is best. But I wish that out of the respect you have for me, that you would let me know what is on your mind, so I can move on, either way. I always knew you as a strong person, someone with principles, someone with strong character, and I know that she is still there somewhere, but your actions lately say otherwise.

A part of me thinks I am to blame, in part, for sheltering you all these years of everything that is bad, I've done it out my incredible love for you, but I think you have been blinded of the bad in the world, and now that it is in front you, you can't see it. I know you have lived through a lot already, but I wish you would understand that sometimes, not everything we hear is true, not everything we are told is true; even when it makes us feel good. The world is full of people with no character, people with no principles, simply bad people, and you have one right in front of you. People who would go to any extent to take advantage of you. I wish you could see it, I do, and I know you will figure it out eventually, you are an incredibly smart person; I just fear, at this point, that it will be too late when you do. I have gone through a lot of pain, inside of me, I have cried a lot and have asked why me, but I think I am more-so hurt for you. I feel true pain in me to see you do this, not only to me, but to yourself. I wish I could help, but I know I can't. When I look at you in the eyes, I still see my wife in there, trust me I know you, better than anyone else. I see fear in your eyes, fear of what is to come, confusion and exhaustion. I know this is hard for you, I understand, but the decision has always been yours, and you have been able to stop this at any time, but you haven't. This is something you have never had to experience, having mixed feelings about something and being presented with an alternative, an alternative that at the time looks great, but deep inside you know it is not good for you. The grass is not always greener on the other side, and I know you know that. I know you are afraid, I know that you wish a light bulb in your head could go off and give you all the answers, but that is not life; life is full of tough decisions, decisions that come with consequences and you will have to live with those consequences.

I have known you to be a fighter, like me; a strong person, with goals set in life, a driven person. I don't know what has happened to her, but I know she is still in there somewhere. I hope you can figure out what you want, so much! If you ever read this, you'll have probably already made your decision. I don't know what the future will bring, but I've been thinking of the past. I remember doing snow angels with you in the back yard, walking to the store in the middle of the snow, all our road trips, Chicago, Miami, Kentucky, the day trip to Charleston. I remember the first time I kissed you, in you car, I remember the first time you told me "I love you" as I walked away. I can't stop thinking how we have built a home together, how we have endured all these years and still wake up together. I know it has been tough and I know it is tough now, but tough times make us stronger, define who we are; tough makes everyone stronger, if you let it. Even after all we have been through, I've never had feelings of hate or spite towards you. I don't know why, but I only have feelings of love. Even after all the pain you've caused me, through all the pain and suffering I have been put through, I still feel that love for my wife. It is amazing, but I do, and I really don't know why. I feel so bad that you have to go through this alone, and it hurts me, it breaks my heart that I have to go through this. But that is life, God puts roadblocks in our lives for a reason, to see what we are made of. I know the time will come when all the dust will settle and we will be able to move on, either way. But I do know one thing now, and that is that after all these years, after all that has happened, old and new, after all we have endured, fought, smiled, lived, my love for you has never stopped. I really don't know why, and it is something I can't explain. It might be that I take this commitment very seriously; maybe that is a one-sided feeling right now, maybe it has been for a while, I don't know. I hope that after all these settles, after you have time to clear your head and see the light, after all the pain subsides, all the struggles end, that you will be honest with me and talk to me; that is all I ask from you.

I love you,

Franco

Is Michelle Beadle The Perfect Woman?

My point really is, is there really such thing as the perfect woman, or for that matter, the perfect man? Is anyone perfect? Of course not! But I think some of us believe we are so-called perfect, at least to the person we are with! Moreover, why do we continue to tell ourselves that we have found the perfect woman, or the perfect man? I don't know, but I do know I have done it! So you might be asking by now, why Michelle Beadle? And I would say, why not? If there was to be a so-called perfect woman, she would be as good as anyone else I could think of. But enough of that, I don't want to sound like a stalker! I thought for the longest time, that I did indeed, have the perfect woman by my side; at the very least perfect for me. I think that might be more along the lines of what I am trying to get to here. Can we really find the perfect person for us? Is anyone perfect for someone else? Or do we simply make the decision to love someone unconditionally, to fight with and for them, to live with those quirks that might annoy us, but they mean nothing when compared to the love we have for them.

I think that we sometimes get a false sense of how life, and love, work. We all go through life with that thought, buried in the back of our minds, of what if, what if there is someone else out there, who is better for me. But where would that get us? Honestly, nowhere; it would eat you up inside, every day of your life. We can't think of the "what ifs" in life, they mean nothing. There is absolutely nothing we can do about them; or better yet, there is nothing we should do about them. If we always feel as if we need to chase the "what if", we will never, and I really mean never, find happiness. I think about my situation, and I think about my wife's "what if". That feeling she has told me she has, where she feels as if she needs to see if those other feelings mean something, she needs to chase that "what if". But then I think, after you chase that one, and throw this away, what are you going to do when the next "what if" comes? Because it will, trust me. Will you chase it again? What will happen if the next one is, what if I had stayed and not left my home? What will you do then? Will it be too late? What I don't understand is, does she really feel as if this "feeling" is worth throwing everything away for? I mean, really? I don't mean to sound bitter as I think it is more confusion than anything, being rational. Why do people feel as if there is always something better out there, why do we feel as if the grass is always greener on the other side? I can tell you why, in my opinion at least. It is human nature to feel as if something is better elsewhere, when we feel unhappy where we currently are. But is that true happiness? Or are you simply running away, telling yourself it is real, trying to convince yourself that those feelings are real, looking for reassurance, until you find it. True happiness is not found in times of trouble; true happiness is found in times where your mind is clear, when you are not looking for a solution to a problem. How confident would you feel about your relationship, if it had started when you were running away from someone or something else? Be honest with yourself and understand that true love, true happiness, is a long process, a painful process, where two people are honest with each other, dedicated to each other, willing to fight; and I know you all would agree with me on that. But I can't change how my wife feels, and even if I wanted to try, it wouldn't mean much.

I have always said, and I have always been told, that my wife needs to come back for the right reasons, because she wants to; and that is something that has to come from within her, from her heart and from her mind. Will it ever come? Has it already come and is she just trying to bury it? Who knows, who really knows. All I know are the facts, reality, and it is painful, very painful. I wish I could be in my wife's head, know what she thinks, know what she feels; she won't tell me. Is she really, after all this, the perfect woman for me? I really don't know and every day more doubt grows in my head, but for some reason, I am still willing to work with her, fight for her. Am I too committed to this marriage? I don't think that is ever possible. There is no such thing as the perfect woman, there is only that person that you love, the woman who you would do anything for. That woman is the one who treasures you and cares for you as much as she does herself. She is someone who would go to the end of the world for you. I really thought I had that, you have no idea how I thought that; and I still might. But as the days go by, I wonder more and more, is that woman, for me, still somewhere out there? I don't have those answers and only time will tell. It is so hard to think about that, think that your wife might not be that person for you, live in a world where she might no longer care for you. You have no idea how hard it is to go to bed at night and know that your wife won't tell you good night, she won't even tell you anything for days, and it is because she chooses to. It is a reality that I know I try to deny, over and over.

I still have faith, because I do believe that miracles happen. God has a plan for us, for me and I have to be willing to accept that. As I go to bed tonight, I still think about her and I wish I could reach out to her, but I know it is no longer my place; the ball is on her court. I still think my wife is that woman for me, and I am that man for her; and I will feel that way until she tells me otherwise. But that is only how I feel right now and I understand marriage takes two people. All I think now is, how does my wife feel tonight? Only God knows...

A Hot Donut is One of Life's Wonders

As funny as that sounds, and that is the whole point, we all know it is true! We've all had those days where a donut just sounds perfect, a hot donut, right off the line, bathed in icing! I know my wife and I have had many nights were we have made the midnight trip to Krispy Kreme, shameful, but awesome! I wanted to make you smile, to make you laugh, and I hope I succeeded!

I want to talk about laughter, and how laughter can bring a whole new perspective on life. During hard times, times like the one I am living right now, we sometimes forget to laugh. We are so preoccupied, thinking of the past, dealing with the present and worrying about the future, that we forget that life, and love, go on, and laughter is a big part of both. I have always been a person with a lively personality, so I've been told, laughing, joking. My wife and I always laughed together, joked together, had our inside jokes, things only we knew about, things that made us laugh. I guess when I think back to that, it makes it harder for me to understand what happened, why. That never stopped, we laughed all the time, until the end; well for now at least. We have always been a lively couple, at least I think so. I have so many memories, things I could write here, tell you about, things that made us laugh so hard; and still do. But there is no point in that, it would make no sense to you! I've always liked to think that a day without laughter is a day wasted, and I try to laugh, and make someone laugh, every day. I know sometimes I can be uptight, but life demands that from us as well, and just like with everything else in life, we need to find the right balance. Laughter is one of the greatest gifts of life, a gift from God, it keeps us joyous, gives us life. I'd like to think that through humor, you can soften some of the hardest blows life throws at you; and once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can get through it.

So why do we forget to laugh? Why are we so concerned with the problems, that pain, that we fail to see the bright side of life? I really don't know, but my best guess is simply that we are human, we feel, we hurt, we cry and we deal with pain in weird ways. Everyone handles tough situations differently, and I'd like to think that I have handled myself pretty well so far. I'm not going to lie, I've had terrible days, days where I cry, because I miss her so much, because I don't know what is to come. But I'd like to think that so far I have done things correctly. As you might have read already, I've had to ask my wife to do things that pained me a whole lot, but I thought they were necessary; no one wants to ever ask their wives for their wedding ring back, trust me. But one thing remains clear, that after all those things, asking her to take her clothes, for her ring back, etc..., I have always made it known that my love for her hasn't changed, yet, and I hope she thinks about that, remembers that. Does that make me naive? Who knows, I guess we'll see! But day after day, I continue to realize that life is not as bad as we make it out to be. Yes, it sucks at times, but we must keep going. And what better way to lift our spirits than with laughter. Let ourselves laugh, lighten up. Sounds easy to say, but trust me, it is horribly tough to do. I try to laugh, I really do, but there are times I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know if there is something inside me that just doesn't want to, or is my brain that preoccupied with pain and hurt, that it just doesn't know how to laugh anymore? Who knows and only time will help me heal, truly, inside. But in the meantime, can laughter help lessen my pain, make me feel better?

Not long ago I read that holding on to anger, resentment and hurt, only gives you tense muscles and a headache, makes the pain worse. Forgiveness, however, gives you back laughter and the lightness in your life. I wrote a few days ago that forgiveness is one of the greatest feelings we can have, it makes us stronger, better people; I still stand by that. There is really no reason to stay angry, nothing is gained from it. Anger only hurts us, no one else; spite does the same thing. I'll always believed that hope will always win over experience, that love is stronger than pain and that laughter is the only cure for grief. I am really trying to follow this, but it is so hard. It is so hard to write this tonight, as I sit here with a smile on my face, and then have to go to bed alone, not knowing if my wife is OK. But that is reality and I need to learn to make the best of it. Until I get an answer, I need to learn to deal with the pain and the reality of things. Laughter will help me and laughter, tonight, is what inspired me to write this; again, with a smile on my face! There are always things in life that make us smile, people, TV, nature, etc... and we need to appreciate them for what they do for us. Laughter is not something we share with a lot of people or a lot of things, it is a special bond we find with someone we love, our families, our favorite TV show, our pets. Laughter keeps us alive, it keeps us young and most of all it keeps us sane. I still love life in spite of all that stains it, all the evilness, all the hurt it has caused me; I love friendship, jokes and most of all, laughter.

Rito, I Miss You & I Wish You Could Be Here

All day I've been thinking about family, about what I wrote this morning. I've been thinking about who it would be that I would put on that list, that list I asked you to think about. And I struggled, to be honest; it is not easy to choose those people that you would want to spend your last day with. But I thought and I thought and some choices were obvious, some surprised me. But then I thought about those friends, those friends back home who I have known all my life. And I started to think about my best friend back home. It is funny because we had known each other for a long time, but we really didn't become friends until later in life... We become incredible friends so quickly, we shared a lot and we always hanged out together; him and I, my brother and his brother, Rito. We virtually stayed at their house every weekend, did so much together, all become like brothers.

But then, one day it all changed. My brother had already left home to come to the US to go to college and I was still there, in high school. I would still hang out with them, all the time. In the summer of 2000, I was hanging out at the beach, south of Lima, with some other friends, when one of my friend's mom came rushing to the beach to tell me my mom was trying to reach me, it was urgent, something had happened. I rushed back to call her, and then I got the news. I remember exactly what I was wearing, where I was sitting, when she told me. I don't know what I thought, I don't know what went through my head, I don't think anything did, maybe denial. But immediately I got my things together and grabbed a cab back, the viewing was that evening. It is amazing how your world will change so quickly. I was supposed to go see them that night, that was the plan. The early morning of that night, him, and two more friends had been hit by a car, while on their 4-wheeler; he was the only one who didn't make it. As I sat there in the cab, going back, it seemed like that trip took forever.

When I got to the church, where the viewing was, I was just numb, I don't know what was going through my head. I had never lost someone while being old enough to realize it. It was just, I don't know how to put it. It is a feeling of, this could not possibly be happening. I really have no memories of that night. I only remember talking to my brother on the phone, him being destroyed, that was his best friend; and he couldn't be there. The funeral was probably worse. You are so young and you have to show up to bury your friend, a great friend, someone your own age; it is just not fair. You should never have to carry a casket of someone your age, but you do and it changes you. I don't think about this every day, but when I do, it destroys me; ask my wife, she has been there for those times. It is one of those things, I think, that you try to bury in your mind, you just don't want to accept. I said a few days ago, no parent should ever have to bury their child, ever. And I really don't know what that feeling is, it is something only very few people know, and I don't envy them. But I sat there, for many nights, with his brother, my best friend, and his mom, as she cried and cried and cried. I don't know what was going through my head then, but when I think back to that time, it breaks my heart. Why should a parent have to go through that, ever? That is just not fair. But life is not fair, and I think I can tell you that.

Life is never fair, and it seems that it is good people who always have to suffer. Why? I have no clue, but that is God's will. He always seems to want to take the greatest people with him; makes sense if you think about it. A friend is always going to be there, even when you haven't talked to them in a while. Once you know you have a friend, and I now know who those are, it doesn't matter if you haven't talked in months, they will be there, regardless. Think about how many of those friends you really have. I bet you it is not many. I don't keep in touch a lot with my friends back home, and I know I should, maybe it is lazyness, I don't know, maybe it is just me. But I know there are people there who will be there if I need them, no matter what. Rito would have been one of those, he would have been there for me, and his brother is there for me, I know that. But it is times like this, when we remember all those people we lost, all those people who meant so much to us, and are no longer with us. He was a great friend, his brother is someone I still consider my best friend. He left us too soon, way to soon. I never got a chance to tell him goodbye, and I know a lot of people didn't get that chance. But we have to continue to talk to them, keep them in our lives, know that they are still there, even though they are not.

Life is not fair, I think we all know that, but we have, every day, the chance to make decisions to make our lives better, to make them more fulfilling, to keep those people in our lives, who might no longer be with us; I know my Grandfather, and Rito, are with me. I know that I can talk to them, and I know I should do it more often. I know today they sit up in heaven, looking down on us, protecting all the ones they love, giving us strength, and most of all, smiling at us and telling us to enjoy life. They didn't get a chance to go out on their own terms, live their full lives, but they are now helping us, all of us.Think of those people in your lives, those who left you too soon, and bring them back. Just because they are no longer standing on earth, with us, doesn't mean they have left us.

A Happy Family is But an Earlier Heaven

I know my last post was sad, depressing, maybe even suicidal, as some would say! But that was not the point. I wanted to vent, I wanted to ask why, ask why to the world, why did this have to happen to me. But there is nothing I can do about that, nothing at all. God decides what happens to us, and like I said, if we are going to ask why me in times of sadness, during hard times, then why don't we do it in happy times? Do we simply think we deserve everything good in life? Either way, what happens will happen, and at this point, it is all out of my control.

Moving on, let's talk about family. What does family really mean? Is it only our relatives, our blood relatives? Is our family predetermined by something, or someone, we have no control over? I would disagree with that. A family is nothing more than a group of people who love each other, who are there for each other, regardless, a group of people who consider each other family. You can find family anywhere. Yes, of course, your mom's brother is part of your family, and there is nothing you can do about that! But family goes much further than that. You can consider family anyone you'd like, anyone you think deserves to be called your family; anyone who you would do anything for. There are a lot of people, not blood relatives, who I consider family. These are people who I know would do anything for me, be there for me. I have known people, for a lifetime and for a short time, people who I consider more-so family, than some in my actual family! Weird, but true. Why should we restrict the word family to only those people who we have no control over, only those people related to us? Why should someone, or something, say who is and who is not our family? We form our own families, we choose who we call family, and no one, I mean no one, can tell us who to call family. On a side note, by the way, how great is Whole Foods! I mean, they have free chips and guacamole and sushi during lunch; I just drive around with an empty cart and keep taking free samples! Ok, back to seriousness... I think sometimes newlyweds believe that until they have kids they don't really have a family, but I have learned that all you need to start a new family is a husband and a wife, that is your family. So, if you quit on marriage, aren't you also quitting on your family? Wouldn't that make sense? I guess so, and I would also say that quitting on that family is just as bad as quitting on your mom, your dad, your brothers, that original family; if not even worse. This is a family you chose, not inherited. When we marry someone, we make a commitment, we make a union with someone else to be there, to take a bullet for them, to fight, to smile; just like you would and had, all your life, for your mom, your dad, your brothers. People always say, your family will always be there, no matter what. Why do we not think the same way about our husbands or our wives? What is different? Do we feel as if we are "stuck" with our mom and dad and so on? As if regardless of what we do, they are still going to be there, we can't get rid of them. If more people took the same approach to their newly formed families, their husbands, their wives, as if they have to be there for them, always, not matter what, then maybe more families would stay together, more families would choose to fight and don't give up.

We have such an instant gratification approach to life today, including marriage, that we feel we can just get rid of things if we don't like them and move on. Why do we feel like the effort is not necessary? Is it not worth it? I don't have all the answers, don't get me wrong, but I do know one thing; I know now, this experience has shown me, that I am a fighter, I will fight for what I believe is right, for what I committed to in my mind; and that to me is family. We need to face the fact that, after forming a family, we have that family to support, and we're not always going to be doing exactly what we want, we sacrifice for that union, for that person. To me, my family comes first, maybe that is what makes me different from other people, other men. Without a family, do we really have anything? And again, remember what I mean by family! I guess a family is that group of people, relatives and friends, who, if you could spend one more day on earth, only one more, you would spend it with them. Can you think of those people? Think about it, all those people you thought you liked, you loved to "hang out" with, would they make that list? Be honest with yourself! Or would it be full of those people who always are and have been there for you, but maybe you haven't seen lately, maybe are upset at them. Think about who you would put on that list, I can promise you it won't be a long list.

A family, that group of people, is a place where principles rule, where these principles are reinforced, refined, where character is built and sustained. No one has a normal family, we all have our issues, we all fight, we all cry, but at the end of the day, we still love each other, deep inside; those are the people that matter. Families are built in good times but tested, strengthened and unified during hard times. I think we all need to realize that family is not an important thing, it is everything! Without family, and friends, we would have nothing and no one, we would be all alone. Learn to realize who your real family is, think about those people, call them and tell them, I love you, I'm thinking about you. Remember that it is those people, those you call family, those you call friends, that will be there when you are in need, when you need them, not only when they need you. My life, so far, comes down to a few moments, moments that define who I am today; the death of my grandfather, the strength I learned from my mom and my brother, the day I married my wife and the realization that there are people out there who really care about me; all my family - everything else just doesn't seem to add up to very much...

I Keep Asking, Why? Why Me?

The last couple of days have been a real struggle for me. Monday was our anniversary, we went out and nothing good happened. Yesterday I just couldn't stop thinking about Monday and it kept eating me up inside. All I feel inside is that every time I see her, all I do is drive her further away; I ask how she is doing, I ask if I can help, I ask where we stand, I just want to know what is going on. I guess I want to know why. Why did this happen and how did it happen? I just don't know and it kills me, slowly. The uncertainty of not knowing what is going to happen with your own marriage is a feeling that just eats your soul and breaks your heart, little by little, every day. When you ask your wife, do you want to be in this marriage, do you want to make this work, and she answers, I don't know, I don't know, you just die inside a little more. I know that time will come when I will know, I will know what happened and why it happened, but this is one of those situations where I simply don't want to wait; I don't think I should. I know I have to give her "space" and time, but is that fair to me? Am I being selfish by continuing to ask the same thing over and over, wanting answers? I really don't think so. I think that after all this time together, that is the least I deserve. And I mean that literally; I think I have earned the right, any husband has, to know what the hell is going on in his wife's head. All I want to know is why? Is it possible for someone to all of the sudden wake up one morning and decide they want out, fall out of love? Doubt it.

How long has this been building in her head and why did she not talk to me? Why did she not share her feelings with me when this started, so we could work on this, together, like a married couple? What the hell happened! I wish I knew, but I have no clue, not only of what happened, but of what is happening. I know time will tell and I need to move on, for now, get on with my life. But it is humanly impossible to move on, this soon, when you just don't know what lays ahead; when you don't know what your wife will tell you one day; it might be "I love you, I'm coming back", or it might be "Goodbye". Either way I know I need to be prepared for the worse. But how do I do that; can someone please tell me? Someone told me that time is your best friend, and I completely agree, but it takes time, for time to heal you. And I haven't had time, not nearly enough so far. I am still holding on, and I still have faith, blind faith. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel numb inside, I don't feel good at all. I want to disappear for some time and wake up when there is something to talk about. I want to know what it is I will have to do, to move on with my life.

I know that my wife is going through something very tough as well, inside her, this feeling of doubt. But what she doesn't understand is that the choice is hers, she will chose whatever it is she feels is better for her, only for her; either way she'll be fine, either way she will chose for her. But me, what about me? I am left at the mercy of what my wife wants. I am left to wait, and wait and wait, and one day get hit by a train, a train of news, per say; news that might be good or might be bad. But news that will definitely change the rest of my life. I never thought that at 29 years old, I would be facing this, I would be facing a life changing situation like this. Is that really fair to me? What did I do to deserve this? I don't know and I don't think I did anything to be honest, but God does strange things. He throws challenges at us, he does things, things we don't understand, things we hate at the moment, but eventually they work themselves out. It is so hard to understand this, it really is. Even when you do understand that God knows what he is doing, you just can't accept it.

I keep asking why me, why me. But then I think, if I ask why me when something bad has happened, shouldn't I also ask why me when something good happens? Isn't that fair? God has a plan for me, I know that. And I know that whatever her decision is, my life will change forever. If she decides to come back, I know this marriage will be a struggle, a tough journey ahead, we are going to have to put in a lot of work and it might get worse before it gets better, but we can come out stronger. If she decides to leave, for good, then I will have to get my shit together and truly, literally move on, find someone else, eventually, who really wants to be with me. I don't think about that, yet, but it does scare me to death. The time will come for everything to work itself out; I honestly hope it is soon. In the meantime, I continue to ask why, I continue to think about her, about us, and I continue to ask God for guidance, patience and wisdom. I might not like the answer to my own question, when the time comes, but I need to know there is a plan for me out there. Now, all I can do is wait...

The Heart, One of The Greatest Evils of All...

I know this might sound negative, but I don't mean it in that context. What I'm trying to get to is, why do we follow our hearts, when we know we will get hurt? Why do we consciously ignore that little voice of reason in our heads? Why do we put ourselves in situations where we know, for a fact, we can't win? I don't have the answers to these questions, for if I did, I wouldn't feel like I do today.

As you know, yesterday was our anniversary. My wife asked me to go out with her, to go eat dinner with her; she said Happy Anniversary. My head told me, be smart, don't do it, you are only going to get hurt again, nothing will come out of this. But my heart, of course, said go, you need to be there, she is your wife and you love her. Maybe I thought I could get some answers to all my questions, maybe I thought it was a positive thing, that she had come around. But after the night was over, I only felt worse, I felt like all the progress I had made, in moving on, and carrying on with my life, had gone away. It is a feeling of why did I go, when I knew nothing good would come from it. We can't take back what's already done, we can only learn from it and try to not make the same mistake again. We learn from our mistakes, as we should, but sometimes it really sucks. It is funny because I have always said that I would much rather learn from other people's mistakes than to make my own. And I had the chance to do so last night, I did. Someone told me, be careful, make sure there is a reason for going, don't put yourself through this. And that was in the back of my mind, all day. But still, I followed my heart. Can we be to blame for following our hearts? We have always been told, follow your heart, that is really what you want. But is it really? How can the heart lead us to pain? Why does it? The heart is supposed to have our best interest in mind, right? I don't know and maybe most of the times it does, but sometimes it consciously leads us to pain and suffering.

The heart is a great thing, it gives us those incredible feelings we have for those who love, but it can also be the greatest evil of all. We need to know what our feelings mean, we need to learn to rationalize those feelings, make sure we are not hurting ourselves, on purpose. Maybe we are just hopeless romantics, who think that what the heart says is always the best. But I think we all have been in situations where our hearts have let us down, and badly. It doesn't mean I will never follow my heart again, because I know I will, soon, and it scares me to death. I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to feel pain in my life anymore. But I need to understand that when being in a situation like this, I'm going to loose more often than not. I won't stop following my heart, I know that, but I will be more cautious next time. We need to keep in mind that regardless of what happens, it can't kill our spirits, our souls. As Pink said, "Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned, but just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die, you've gotta get up and try try try". We need to keep pushing forward, I need to keep pushing forward. I know it is going to be painful, very painful at times; that is just reality.

But has the time come for me to start letting go?. As much as I don't want to, as much as I want to hold on to her, I need to face reality. I know I have said before that I have already accepted reality, but this is different. I need to let my wife go, try to forget and only time will do that. It is incredibly hard to do, I truly don't want to do it, and to be honest I don't think I can, not right now; but is it for the best, in the long run? I don't really know, but I do know one thing, I can't continue to get hurt. I don't know what my wife is going through, and I mean that literally, I really don't know; she doesn't even know; strange. But I know that time will come, if I don't hear otherwise, when I will wake up one morning and say, that's it, no more, no longer am I putting myself through this; no longer will I allow someone to do this to my heart. The heart is a strong muscle, literally, but weak emotionally. It takes a lifetime to learn to love, but a second to break a heart. It is unfair, very unfair, but we learn to deal with heartbreak.

We need to learn to let go in life, and time is our best friend. I hope I never have to deal with that, I know I am still holding on to hope, deep inside, maybe false hope, but that is who I am. My heart has caused me a lot of pain, my heart has deceived me at times and led to hurt, a lot of it. I now know I need to listen to that little voice inside of me, that voice of reason. It is time to protect myself, time to think about me. As hard as it will be, I know it is for the best, but I have to be ready. Be careful when you follow you heart, be wise, be very careful; the heart can be one of the greatest evils of all - I hope you never have to find out...

Side by Side, Year After Year

Today is our wedding anniversary; our first year of marriage, our first ever wedding anniversary. But is it a Happy Anniversary? I hate to say it, but no. I always envisioned this day as the most important day of the year; a day to celebrate what we had gone through together, the fights, the good times, the struggles, the laughs; a day to celebrate our lives together. I once read that a wedding anniversary is a celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity, and that the order of those change every year. Marriage is a difficult thing; we have to come to grip with the fact that we have made the decision to be with someone for the rest of our lives. That is a long time! We all come to that realization at some point, some of us sooner than others. But it is how we deal with that realization that will define the future of our marriage. Every day in a marriage is a struggle, in one way or another. There are good days and there are bad days. We laugh, we cry, we fight and we love, but most importantly we do all these things together, because we chose to, because we want to.

It is hard for some people to deal with the fact that, now, this is your life and you should work hard to make the best of it. I think sometimes we have a false sense of reality, it being because of movies, reality TV, etc..., we tend to expect the world to be different. We expect the world to be like in the movies, where people are happy all the time, and if there are not, they leave, to find it somewhere else, that easy. But think about this, if you are not willing to sacrifice, to make the effort, to fight for your happiness, to fight for a commitment you made, with whoever it is that loves you and you love, then why do you think that you deserve someone else to do it for you? Happiness and love are mutual feelings, and these are feelings that develop over time. I think our naivety sometimes confuses true happiness with infatuation; that feeling where you think you are happy, but it is because your are running away from something else. It is a temporary feeling of "good", a feeling of "I am better here, I am happy". But are we really? How can we expect happiness to develop instantly? How can we expect love to develop instantly? Is there really such thing as love at first sight? Well, maybe, but remember love is much more than what we realize, much more than just butterflies in our stomachs, I mean, we are not in middle school anymore! Love is a struggle, love is sacrificing for someone else, love is knowing everything about a person, being willing to take a bullet for them, being willing to fight to the death for and with them. You just can't develop these feelings instantaneously, I'm sorry, you can't.

An anniversary is a time to celebrate the joys of today, the memories of yesterday, and the hopes for tomorrow. It is a day to remember why we did this, a day to tell each other, I will fight for you, always, no matter what; I believe in you, in us. I wish my wife was here with me on this day, so we could celebrate, so I could send flowers to her school and plan exciting things, so I could tell her how much I really do love her. I know she is thinking about me, I know that, but I miss her. I don't know why she is doing what she is doing, I don't know why she won't fight with me, for all this. I read somewhere a few days ago, "The moment you're ready to quit, is usually the moment right before a miracle happens. Don't give up". I wish she could read this, I really do, but I don't think she should. I have no plans on her reading this, at least for now, and I hope she doesn't find it. This is a way for me to tell my story, document my struggles and let people know that even in the toughest times, we must keep things in perspective, keep our heads high and keep moving forward. I keep asking myself, and especially today, why me? I really don't know the answer, but I'm sure there is a plan for me. My wife sent my mom a gift a few months back, something she thought on her own. She sent a handkerchief, with these words stitched on it, "Thank you for raising the man of my dreams". Where did that person go? Did she just wake up one day and realized all this was bad? Is she going through a quarter-life crisis? How could a woman who said those words, a woman who has been an incredible wife, all of the sudden change like this? I don't really know, but bad influences, bad people will trick our minds, will manipulate us to get what they want, take advantage of us; we need to keep a clear head, and see reality; there are bad people out there. People will tell you anything, and I mean anything, if they think they can take advantage of you.

I hope she is OK, I really do. My love for her hasn't changed, yet; but I do start to feel somewhat apathetic, numb. I don't know what that means, I don't know if that is good or bad. All I know is that on this day, one year ago, I married the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I hope she realizes that and feels the same way; marriage is a two-way street. A successful marriage requires two people to fall in love, not once, but many times and I know that is tough to accept. But we change, we evolve and we should do it together. Mark Twain said, "Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century". If I could tell my wife one thing today, I would say, "I love you, I never stopped". Life can be very sudden at times, unfair, but never stop believing in something you've lost; you might just get it back.

I Miss You Grandpa, So So Much...

My Grandfather was a great man, or so I've been told. Unfortunately, he past away when I was 3, in 1987. It is amazing however, how many memories I have with him. When we are that young, we normally have no recollection of anything. But that is not the case with me. I remember so many things, playing the Batman board game with my brother, my cousin and him, laying on his bed. Him wearing his thick eyeglasses, short sleeve shirt with the pocket, looking like a doctor does. I remember him taking us to the club to drink Fanta, just us boys. I don't really know how I remember these things, but I'd like to think that God sends us these memories for a reason, especially when he takes someone so precious so soon. I know God had a plan for him. He was one of those people that you just admired, one of those people whose goal in life was to help others, and put others before him, and that made him happy, that gave him joy. We don't see many people like that anymore; in today's world, we are so concerned with what we want, with what makes us feel better, that we forget that there are so many people out there that need our help.

We have become such a selfish society, where sharing and thinking of others are an afterthought. I miss him everyday, deep inside me, but I also know that everyday he is with me, he is sitting next to me, protecting me and making sure I become the person that he would have wanted me to be. I try to be a good person, I try to become better everyday, I really do. I try to be the best I can for all those people who love me, all those people who call me family, all those people who call me a friend, all those people who need my help. But sometimes, we focus too much on everything else that we forget about our own, about those few people who really matter, we forget about ourselves. It is so difficult to make everyone happy, and to be honest, we shouldn't try to make everyone happy, because we can't. But I think my Grandpa was one of those people. He helped so much and the amazing thing is, as I've found out later in life, that he helped people and not even his own family knew about it. Unlike in today's world, he helped others because he thought it was the right thing to do, because he wanted to; not because he would get recognition or because someone would think how good he was.

I hope one day I can be like him, I really do; I know I have a long way to go. I need to understand that God throws challenges at us to test us, to test our character, to see what we are made of; to see if we are willing to sacrifice, for ourselves and for others, and to see how much we are willing to give up, for happiness. But what is happiness? How do we define happiness? Well, that's for another day! All I know is that, if my Grandpa was here today, still with us, he would tell me, in his calm voice, that it will all be OK, that things happen for a reason and that he would always be there for me, no matter what. I know there are a lot of people who have told me that already, but it is not the same. I knew him for 3 years of my life, and he left us 25 years ago; but I feel like he has always been with me, and always will be. He is with us as well, me and wife. My wife left her wedding bouquet at his grave, so he could be part of the start of our lives together, so he could be with us. And I know he is, I know he is watching over us and he is going to take care of us, both of us, for better or for worse; that is what he does, that is who he is. Tomorrow will be a tough day, really tough, it's our anniversary; we'll see what the world brings me. All I can say is, Grandpa, I know you are up there, I know that God took you because he needs great people with him. I hate that I never got to know you better, but I know you are with me every second of the day. I love you and I miss you, so so much...