My point really is, is there really such thing as the perfect woman, or for that matter, the perfect man? Is anyone perfect? Of course not! But I think some of us believe we are so-called perfect, at least to the person we are with! Moreover, why do we continue to tell ourselves that we have found the perfect woman, or the perfect man? I don't know, but I do know I have done it! So you might be asking by now, why Michelle Beadle? And I would say, why not? If there was to be a so-called perfect woman, she would be as good as anyone else I could think of. But enough of that, I don't want to sound like a stalker! I thought for the longest time, that I did indeed, have the perfect woman by my side; at the very least perfect for me. I think that might be more along the lines of what I am trying to get to here. Can we really find the perfect person for us? Is anyone perfect for someone else? Or do we simply make the decision to love someone unconditionally, to fight with and for them, to live with those quirks that might annoy us, but they mean nothing when compared to the love we have for them.
I think that we sometimes get a false sense of how life, and love, work. We all go through life with that thought, buried in the back of our minds, of what if, what if there is someone else out there, who is better for me. But where would that get us? Honestly, nowhere; it would eat you up inside, every day of your life. We can't think of the "what ifs" in life, they mean nothing. There is absolutely nothing we can do about them; or better yet, there is nothing we should do about them. If we always feel as if we need to chase the "what if", we will never, and I really mean never, find happiness. I think about my situation, and I think about my wife's "what if". That feeling she has told me she has, where she feels as if she needs to see if those other feelings mean something, she needs to chase that "what if". But then I think, after you chase that one, and throw this away, what are you going to do when the next "what if" comes? Because it will, trust me. Will you chase it again? What will happen if the next one is, what if I had stayed and not left my home? What will you do then? Will it be too late? What I don't understand is, does she really feel as if this "feeling" is worth throwing everything away for? I mean, really? I don't mean to sound bitter as I think it is more confusion than anything, being rational. Why do people feel as if there is always something better out there, why do we feel as if the grass is always greener on the other side? I can tell you why, in my opinion at least. It is human nature to feel as if something is better elsewhere, when we feel unhappy where we currently are. But is that true happiness? Or are you simply running away, telling yourself it is real, trying to convince yourself that those feelings are real, looking for reassurance, until you find it. True happiness is not found in times of trouble; true happiness is found in times where your mind is clear, when you are not looking for a solution to a problem. How confident would you feel about your relationship, if it had started when you were running away from someone or something else? Be honest with yourself and understand that true love, true happiness, is a long process, a painful process, where two people are honest with each other, dedicated to each other, willing to fight; and I know you all would agree with me on that. But I can't change how my wife feels, and even if I wanted to try, it wouldn't mean much.
I have always said, and I have always been told, that my wife needs to come back for the right reasons, because she wants to; and that is something that has to come from within her, from her heart and from her mind. Will it ever come? Has it already come and is she just trying to bury it? Who knows, who really knows. All I know are the facts, reality, and it is painful, very painful. I wish I could be in my wife's head, know what she thinks, know what she feels; she won't tell me. Is she really, after all this, the perfect woman for me? I really don't know and every day more doubt grows in my head, but for some reason, I am still willing to work with her, fight for her. Am I too committed to this marriage? I don't think that is ever possible. There is no such thing as the perfect woman, there is only that person that you love, the woman who you would do anything for. That woman is the one who treasures you and cares for you as much as she does herself. She is someone who would go to the end of the world for you. I really thought I had that, you have no idea how I thought that; and I still might. But as the days go by, I wonder more and more, is that woman, for me, still somewhere out there? I don't have those answers and only time will tell. It is so hard to think about that, think that your wife might not be that person for you, live in a world where she might no longer care for you. You have no idea how hard it is to go to bed at night and know that your wife won't tell you good night, she won't even tell you anything for days, and it is because she chooses to. It is a reality that I know I try to deny, over and over.
I still have faith, because I do believe that miracles happen. God has a plan for us, for me and I have to be willing to accept that. As I go to bed tonight, I still think about her and I wish I could reach out to her, but I know it is no longer my place; the ball is on her court. I still think my wife is that woman for me, and I am that man for her; and I will feel that way until she tells me otherwise. But that is only how I feel right now and I understand marriage takes two people. All I think now is, how does my wife feel tonight? Only God knows...
I think that we sometimes get a false sense of how life, and love, work. We all go through life with that thought, buried in the back of our minds, of what if, what if there is someone else out there, who is better for me. But where would that get us? Honestly, nowhere; it would eat you up inside, every day of your life. We can't think of the "what ifs" in life, they mean nothing. There is absolutely nothing we can do about them; or better yet, there is nothing we should do about them. If we always feel as if we need to chase the "what if", we will never, and I really mean never, find happiness. I think about my situation, and I think about my wife's "what if". That feeling she has told me she has, where she feels as if she needs to see if those other feelings mean something, she needs to chase that "what if". But then I think, after you chase that one, and throw this away, what are you going to do when the next "what if" comes? Because it will, trust me. Will you chase it again? What will happen if the next one is, what if I had stayed and not left my home? What will you do then? Will it be too late? What I don't understand is, does she really feel as if this "feeling" is worth throwing everything away for? I mean, really? I don't mean to sound bitter as I think it is more confusion than anything, being rational. Why do people feel as if there is always something better out there, why do we feel as if the grass is always greener on the other side? I can tell you why, in my opinion at least. It is human nature to feel as if something is better elsewhere, when we feel unhappy where we currently are. But is that true happiness? Or are you simply running away, telling yourself it is real, trying to convince yourself that those feelings are real, looking for reassurance, until you find it. True happiness is not found in times of trouble; true happiness is found in times where your mind is clear, when you are not looking for a solution to a problem. How confident would you feel about your relationship, if it had started when you were running away from someone or something else? Be honest with yourself and understand that true love, true happiness, is a long process, a painful process, where two people are honest with each other, dedicated to each other, willing to fight; and I know you all would agree with me on that. But I can't change how my wife feels, and even if I wanted to try, it wouldn't mean much.
I have always said, and I have always been told, that my wife needs to come back for the right reasons, because she wants to; and that is something that has to come from within her, from her heart and from her mind. Will it ever come? Has it already come and is she just trying to bury it? Who knows, who really knows. All I know are the facts, reality, and it is painful, very painful. I wish I could be in my wife's head, know what she thinks, know what she feels; she won't tell me. Is she really, after all this, the perfect woman for me? I really don't know and every day more doubt grows in my head, but for some reason, I am still willing to work with her, fight for her. Am I too committed to this marriage? I don't think that is ever possible. There is no such thing as the perfect woman, there is only that person that you love, the woman who you would do anything for. That woman is the one who treasures you and cares for you as much as she does herself. She is someone who would go to the end of the world for you. I really thought I had that, you have no idea how I thought that; and I still might. But as the days go by, I wonder more and more, is that woman, for me, still somewhere out there? I don't have those answers and only time will tell. It is so hard to think about that, think that your wife might not be that person for you, live in a world where she might no longer care for you. You have no idea how hard it is to go to bed at night and know that your wife won't tell you good night, she won't even tell you anything for days, and it is because she chooses to. It is a reality that I know I try to deny, over and over.
I still have faith, because I do believe that miracles happen. God has a plan for us, for me and I have to be willing to accept that. As I go to bed tonight, I still think about her and I wish I could reach out to her, but I know it is no longer my place; the ball is on her court. I still think my wife is that woman for me, and I am that man for her; and I will feel that way until she tells me otherwise. But that is only how I feel right now and I understand marriage takes two people. All I think now is, how does my wife feel tonight? Only God knows...
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