I know this might sound negative, but I don't mean it in that context. What I'm trying to get to is, why do we follow our hearts, when we know we will get hurt? Why do we consciously ignore that little voice of reason in our heads? Why do we put ourselves in situations where we know, for a fact, we can't win? I don't have the answers to these questions, for if I did, I wouldn't feel like I do today.
As you know, yesterday was our anniversary. My wife asked me to go out with her, to go eat dinner with her; she said Happy Anniversary. My head told me, be smart, don't do it, you are only going to get hurt again, nothing will come out of this. But my heart, of course, said go, you need to be there, she is your wife and you love her. Maybe I thought I could get some answers to all my questions, maybe I thought it was a positive thing, that she had come around. But after the night was over, I only felt worse, I felt like all the progress I had made, in moving on, and carrying on with my life, had gone away. It is a feeling of why did I go, when I knew nothing good would come from it. We can't take back what's already done, we can only learn from it and try to not make the same mistake again. We learn from our mistakes, as we should, but sometimes it really sucks. It is funny because I have always said that I would much rather learn from other people's mistakes than to make my own. And I had the chance to do so last night, I did. Someone told me, be careful, make sure there is a reason for going, don't put yourself through this. And that was in the back of my mind, all day. But still, I followed my heart. Can we be to blame for following our hearts? We have always been told, follow your heart, that is really what you want. But is it really? How can the heart lead us to pain? Why does it? The heart is supposed to have our best interest in mind, right? I don't know and maybe most of the times it does, but sometimes it consciously leads us to pain and suffering.
The heart is a great thing, it gives us those incredible feelings we have for those who love, but it can also be the greatest evil of all. We need to know what our feelings mean, we need to learn to rationalize those feelings, make sure we are not hurting ourselves, on purpose. Maybe we are just hopeless romantics, who think that what the heart says is always the best. But I think we all have been in situations where our hearts have let us down, and badly. It doesn't mean I will never follow my heart again, because I know I will, soon, and it scares me to death. I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to feel pain in my life anymore. But I need to understand that when being in a situation like this, I'm going to loose more often than not. I won't stop following my heart, I know that, but I will be more cautious next time. We need to keep in mind that regardless of what happens, it can't kill our spirits, our souls. As Pink said, "Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned, but just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die, you've gotta get up and try try try". We need to keep pushing forward, I need to keep pushing forward. I know it is going to be painful, very painful at times; that is just reality.
But has the time come for me to start letting go?. As much as I don't want to, as much as I want to hold on to her, I need to face reality. I know I have said before that I have already accepted reality, but this is different. I need to let my wife go, try to forget and only time will do that. It is incredibly hard to do, I truly don't want to do it, and to be honest I don't think I can, not right now; but is it for the best, in the long run? I don't really know, but I do know one thing, I can't continue to get hurt. I don't know what my wife is going through, and I mean that literally, I really don't know; she doesn't even know; strange. But I know that time will come, if I don't hear otherwise, when I will wake up one morning and say, that's it, no more, no longer am I putting myself through this; no longer will I allow someone to do this to my heart. The heart is a strong muscle, literally, but weak emotionally. It takes a lifetime to learn to love, but a second to break a heart. It is unfair, very unfair, but we learn to deal with heartbreak.
We need to learn to let go in life, and time is our best friend. I hope I never have to deal with that, I know I am still holding on to hope, deep inside, maybe false hope, but that is who I am. My heart has caused me a lot of pain, my heart has deceived me at times and led to hurt, a lot of it. I now know I need to listen to that little voice inside of me, that voice of reason. It is time to protect myself, time to think about me. As hard as it will be, I know it is for the best, but I have to be ready. Be careful when you follow you heart, be wise, be very careful; the heart can be one of the greatest evils of all - I hope you never have to find out...
As you know, yesterday was our anniversary. My wife asked me to go out with her, to go eat dinner with her; she said Happy Anniversary. My head told me, be smart, don't do it, you are only going to get hurt again, nothing will come out of this. But my heart, of course, said go, you need to be there, she is your wife and you love her. Maybe I thought I could get some answers to all my questions, maybe I thought it was a positive thing, that she had come around. But after the night was over, I only felt worse, I felt like all the progress I had made, in moving on, and carrying on with my life, had gone away. It is a feeling of why did I go, when I knew nothing good would come from it. We can't take back what's already done, we can only learn from it and try to not make the same mistake again. We learn from our mistakes, as we should, but sometimes it really sucks. It is funny because I have always said that I would much rather learn from other people's mistakes than to make my own. And I had the chance to do so last night, I did. Someone told me, be careful, make sure there is a reason for going, don't put yourself through this. And that was in the back of my mind, all day. But still, I followed my heart. Can we be to blame for following our hearts? We have always been told, follow your heart, that is really what you want. But is it really? How can the heart lead us to pain? Why does it? The heart is supposed to have our best interest in mind, right? I don't know and maybe most of the times it does, but sometimes it consciously leads us to pain and suffering.
The heart is a great thing, it gives us those incredible feelings we have for those who love, but it can also be the greatest evil of all. We need to know what our feelings mean, we need to learn to rationalize those feelings, make sure we are not hurting ourselves, on purpose. Maybe we are just hopeless romantics, who think that what the heart says is always the best. But I think we all have been in situations where our hearts have let us down, and badly. It doesn't mean I will never follow my heart again, because I know I will, soon, and it scares me to death. I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to feel pain in my life anymore. But I need to understand that when being in a situation like this, I'm going to loose more often than not. I won't stop following my heart, I know that, but I will be more cautious next time. We need to keep in mind that regardless of what happens, it can't kill our spirits, our souls. As Pink said, "Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned, but just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die, you've gotta get up and try try try". We need to keep pushing forward, I need to keep pushing forward. I know it is going to be painful, very painful at times; that is just reality.
But has the time come for me to start letting go?. As much as I don't want to, as much as I want to hold on to her, I need to face reality. I know I have said before that I have already accepted reality, but this is different. I need to let my wife go, try to forget and only time will do that. It is incredibly hard to do, I truly don't want to do it, and to be honest I don't think I can, not right now; but is it for the best, in the long run? I don't really know, but I do know one thing, I can't continue to get hurt. I don't know what my wife is going through, and I mean that literally, I really don't know; she doesn't even know; strange. But I know that time will come, if I don't hear otherwise, when I will wake up one morning and say, that's it, no more, no longer am I putting myself through this; no longer will I allow someone to do this to my heart. The heart is a strong muscle, literally, but weak emotionally. It takes a lifetime to learn to love, but a second to break a heart. It is unfair, very unfair, but we learn to deal with heartbreak.
We need to learn to let go in life, and time is our best friend. I hope I never have to deal with that, I know I am still holding on to hope, deep inside, maybe false hope, but that is who I am. My heart has caused me a lot of pain, my heart has deceived me at times and led to hurt, a lot of it. I now know I need to listen to that little voice inside of me, that voice of reason. It is time to protect myself, time to think about me. As hard as it will be, I know it is for the best, but I have to be ready. Be careful when you follow you heart, be wise, be very careful; the heart can be one of the greatest evils of all - I hope you never have to find out...
No comments:
Post a Comment