The last couple of days have been a real struggle for me. Monday was our anniversary, we went out and nothing good happened. Yesterday I just couldn't stop thinking about Monday and it kept eating me up inside. All I feel inside is that every time I see her, all I do is drive her further away; I ask how she is doing, I ask if I can help, I ask where we stand, I just want to know what is going on. I guess I want to know why. Why did this happen and how did it happen? I just don't know and it kills me, slowly. The uncertainty of not knowing what is going to happen with your own marriage is a feeling that just eats your soul and breaks your heart, little by little, every day. When you ask your wife, do you want to be in this marriage, do you want to make this work, and she answers, I don't know, I don't know, you just die inside a little more. I know that time will come when I will know, I will know what happened and why it happened, but this is one of those situations where I simply don't want to wait; I don't think I should. I know I have to give her "space" and time, but is that fair to me? Am I being selfish by continuing to ask the same thing over and over, wanting answers? I really don't think so. I think that after all this time together, that is the least I deserve. And I mean that literally; I think I have earned the right, any husband has, to know what the hell is going on in his wife's head. All I want to know is why? Is it possible for someone to all of the sudden wake up one morning and decide they want out, fall out of love? Doubt it.
How long has this been building in her head and why did she not talk to me? Why did she not share her feelings with me when this started, so we could work on this, together, like a married couple? What the hell happened! I wish I knew, but I have no clue, not only of what happened, but of what is happening. I know time will tell and I need to move on, for now, get on with my life. But it is humanly impossible to move on, this soon, when you just don't know what lays ahead; when you don't know what your wife will tell you one day; it might be "I love you, I'm coming back", or it might be "Goodbye". Either way I know I need to be prepared for the worse. But how do I do that; can someone please tell me? Someone told me that time is your best friend, and I completely agree, but it takes time, for time to heal you. And I haven't had time, not nearly enough so far. I am still holding on, and I still have faith, blind faith. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel numb inside, I don't feel good at all. I want to disappear for some time and wake up when there is something to talk about. I want to know what it is I will have to do, to move on with my life.
I know that my wife is going through something very tough as well, inside her, this feeling of doubt. But what she doesn't understand is that the choice is hers, she will chose whatever it is she feels is better for her, only for her; either way she'll be fine, either way she will chose for her. But me, what about me? I am left at the mercy of what my wife wants. I am left to wait, and wait and wait, and one day get hit by a train, a train of news, per say; news that might be good or might be bad. But news that will definitely change the rest of my life. I never thought that at 29 years old, I would be facing this, I would be facing a life changing situation like this. Is that really fair to me? What did I do to deserve this? I don't know and I don't think I did anything to be honest, but God does strange things. He throws challenges at us, he does things, things we don't understand, things we hate at the moment, but eventually they work themselves out. It is so hard to understand this, it really is. Even when you do understand that God knows what he is doing, you just can't accept it.
I keep asking why me, why me. But then I think, if I ask why me when something bad has happened, shouldn't I also ask why me when something good happens? Isn't that fair? God has a plan for me, I know that. And I know that whatever her decision is, my life will change forever. If she decides to come back, I know this marriage will be a struggle, a tough journey ahead, we are going to have to put in a lot of work and it might get worse before it gets better, but we can come out stronger. If she decides to leave, for good, then I will have to get my shit together and truly, literally move on, find someone else, eventually, who really wants to be with me. I don't think about that, yet, but it does scare me to death. The time will come for everything to work itself out; I honestly hope it is soon. In the meantime, I continue to ask why, I continue to think about her, about us, and I continue to ask God for guidance, patience and wisdom. I might not like the answer to my own question, when the time comes, but I need to know there is a plan for me out there. Now, all I can do is wait...
How long has this been building in her head and why did she not talk to me? Why did she not share her feelings with me when this started, so we could work on this, together, like a married couple? What the hell happened! I wish I knew, but I have no clue, not only of what happened, but of what is happening. I know time will tell and I need to move on, for now, get on with my life. But it is humanly impossible to move on, this soon, when you just don't know what lays ahead; when you don't know what your wife will tell you one day; it might be "I love you, I'm coming back", or it might be "Goodbye". Either way I know I need to be prepared for the worse. But how do I do that; can someone please tell me? Someone told me that time is your best friend, and I completely agree, but it takes time, for time to heal you. And I haven't had time, not nearly enough so far. I am still holding on, and I still have faith, blind faith. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel numb inside, I don't feel good at all. I want to disappear for some time and wake up when there is something to talk about. I want to know what it is I will have to do, to move on with my life.
I know that my wife is going through something very tough as well, inside her, this feeling of doubt. But what she doesn't understand is that the choice is hers, she will chose whatever it is she feels is better for her, only for her; either way she'll be fine, either way she will chose for her. But me, what about me? I am left at the mercy of what my wife wants. I am left to wait, and wait and wait, and one day get hit by a train, a train of news, per say; news that might be good or might be bad. But news that will definitely change the rest of my life. I never thought that at 29 years old, I would be facing this, I would be facing a life changing situation like this. Is that really fair to me? What did I do to deserve this? I don't know and I don't think I did anything to be honest, but God does strange things. He throws challenges at us, he does things, things we don't understand, things we hate at the moment, but eventually they work themselves out. It is so hard to understand this, it really is. Even when you do understand that God knows what he is doing, you just can't accept it.
I keep asking why me, why me. But then I think, if I ask why me when something bad has happened, shouldn't I also ask why me when something good happens? Isn't that fair? God has a plan for me, I know that. And I know that whatever her decision is, my life will change forever. If she decides to come back, I know this marriage will be a struggle, a tough journey ahead, we are going to have to put in a lot of work and it might get worse before it gets better, but we can come out stronger. If she decides to leave, for good, then I will have to get my shit together and truly, literally move on, find someone else, eventually, who really wants to be with me. I don't think about that, yet, but it does scare me to death. The time will come for everything to work itself out; I honestly hope it is soon. In the meantime, I continue to ask why, I continue to think about her, about us, and I continue to ask God for guidance, patience and wisdom. I might not like the answer to my own question, when the time comes, but I need to know there is a plan for me out there. Now, all I can do is wait...
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