It has been almost a month since this all happened, and in all honesty it doesn't feel that long at all. It seems like it was yesterday we were together, laughing and living our lives. But that is no longer reality; reality is me by myself and her by herself, or with whoever it is she chooses. I now know that, I know that my wife has found someone else, at least someone who she enjoys being with, enjoys spending time with, I guess you could say, feels happy with. And there is nothing I can do about it. As you very well know, I have fought, fought so much, but to no avail. Nothing has worked, or better yet, nothing I have done has mattered. I know my wife has reached out to me, for our anniversary for example, but I have later found out, those things didn't really mean a whole lot, or better said, didn't really change anything. In fact those things never had a chance to change anything, and I think that is what hurts the most. I have tried and tried, and she has agreed at times to do things, in the beginning for the most part. But I don't know if she ever thought about coming back, even in the first few days, or if she had already made up her mind. Either way, it doesn't really matter anymore. What is in the past is and must stay in the past. No good will come of me trying to understand why things happened or why she did all the different things she did.
The time has come to let go and move on. And please understand that it is not my decision to do so, but I am left with no choice. What else am I to do? Do I continue to believe my wife will come back? Just like that, one day she will wake up and decide to come back? I have to be realistic. Days go by that I don't hear anything from her, and then out of the blue I receive a "Hi". What does that mean? Is she trying to keep me just there, interested enough? Or is it guilt acting up on her? Does she truly miss me? I don't know and it really makes no difference at this point. Either way, I have reached a point in this journey, where I have to tell my wife one thing. And that is that it is time to let go. I believe she has found something with someone else, she has found some kind of happiness, or infatuation for that matter, and to be honest, I am happy for her. I know that to be able to let go, truly let go, we cannot hate. All the things we hate are engraved in our hearts. If we truly want to move on, truly let go, then we must only love. If this is truly what she wants, I can't stop her, I can't beg her to stay and I can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. But she also needs to understand that she needs to give me the opportunity to try and find my happiness, again. I said it yesterday, my heart needs the chance to find happiness as well. If she has truly found something else, or is pursuing something with someone else, then she needs to let me go, that is all I ask.
It is very hard for all of us to let things go but we must be willing to let go of the life we currently have if we want something else. It is not possible, or fair even, to try and hold on to both. Of course that is the perfect situation, right? Go try this other thing out and then if it doesn't work out, come back. But I will not stand for that, regardless of how much I love her. I believe this is one of those situations where she doesn't want to be with me, but she also doesn't want anyone else to have me. Remember back when we were kids and we didn't want to play with a toy, but we also didn't want anyone else to have it. Well, in real life as much as we want that, that is selfish and unfair to others.
I have been grieving for weeks now, going through tough times, but getting better every day. I don't know how she has been feeling, but I I have to think it is much easier when you are the one who has found something else, has an outlet, if you will; or at leats so I think. I don't have that, not now, and not in the past. I have to grieve on my own and I have been believing for the longest time that there was a chance for this to work out. But as I keep finding things out, that window closes and reality sinks in. I only think of what is to come and how I am going to move on, on my own. What are my plans for the future, how am I going to try to achieve all the things I want to achieve in life. I have to think of myself now, but it is very hard to do without closure. I need closure, but for that to happen, I need my wife to let me go. To tell me, once and for all, that she has moved on, move on with someone else, if that is really the case. Or tell me otherwise, but whatever it is talk to me. That will be the day I can truly move on, start planning for the future and start closing this chapter of my life, whether that is with her or without her. I don't know when that day will come, but I have been asking for a while now, and I hope it is soon. All I ask now is for her to let me go or tell me the truth, be honest. I know she is scared of this, but the key to change, to moving on, is to let go of fear. It is not easy to let go, I know it is not for her and it is not for me, but it has to happen sooner or later. We cannot keep going like this, with uncertainty, with lies; with everything this marriage and friendship was not built on. I know that day will come, and I hope it is soon. And when that day comes, I know I'll be ready for whatever life throws at me. I recently read that letting go doesn't quite mean you don't care about someone anymore; it is only the realization that the only person you have control over is yourself. I know I have to stay open to anything and anyone, and I know that as hard as it has been and will continue to be, I must also be ready to let her go.
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