Never in a million years did I think that today would go as it did, but it did, and I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. Christmas day is a day to be with family, with those who love you, with those you want to be with you, because it is Christmas! And as I said yesterday, I have been blessed with people in my life, people who I did not expect, who have invited me into their homes, who have considered my situation and opened their doors to me. It feels so good to know that there are people out there who truly care, who understand the Christmas spirit. I said it last night, the true spirit of Christmas, to me, is love, love for those who love you and love for everyone, for all those who need it. And seeing what people have done for me during these holidays, has truly shown me that the Christmas spirit is still alive out there, even when I am going through hell. I keep saying I am not going to lie, and I'll say that again, because this Christmas season has been incredibly hard, tough to deal with, lonely if you will. And I don't mean that literally, because I have been with people who love me, people who listened to me, and people who really truly wanted me to be there. I think I mean it emotionally, emotionally lonely, and that is expected, if you think about it. Although I am dealing with the pain and reality, it is natural for me to feel lonely. I have been used to, for so long, to go to sleep at night and look to my left and see my wife, then wake up and feel her, laying there, still sleeping! That is my routine, and routines are hard to break, we get into them and we expect them. Not all routines are good, per say, but they are what they are. Going to go to sleep at night, with monkeys and tigers, a bear and a moose, laying next to me, is just not the same. There are times when I will move at night, unconsciously, and reach for her, to then realize she is not there. I know time will help, time will help anything, but time takes time!
I did talk to my wife today, she called me. But as lately, the conversations are not pleasant; I know I push a lot, I push for answers, I push for guidance. And that upsets her, that makes her cry, but that is not my goal, at all. I want to talk things through, so I can get guidance, so I can know what to do next, for myself. I wish things could be different, more so along the lines of just talking, getting along. I know it is hard, but I also know I have to understand that I need to be calm, I need to listen and I try to understand her, even when I don't. Regardless, things will happen as they will, and there is nothing I can do. I wish I didn't make my wife cry, because it breaks my heart, it really does. I might not show it when we talk, she might not believe me when I say that, but it does, she is still my wife, and like I've said before, my love hasn't stopped. I can't explain why, and I wish I could, but I think I still feel that I made a commitment to something much bigger than me, much bigger than us and I will go to the end of the world to save it. I know it is irrational, I know it is following my heart, and I said I wouldn't do that, but, I don't know... My wife told me today, that she does want to move out, get her own place, regardless. She had said that before, but I guess I didn't think it was serious, I was trying to hold on to hope.
I don't know what is to come, but I know I have to make tough decisions now, decisions to move on, officially. And I am scared to do so, I am scared to start that process. My wife says it is too fast for that, that is not what she wants. But what does that mean? How can I see my wife go out on her own, live her life, and me not do the same, but continue to hold on to something that is not there? The last thing on my mind today is finding someone else, someone else to replace her. How can I even think about that, when I am still barely holding on to something? How can I do that when I don't want to do that? No one will ever replace her, ever. She was my first true love, the women who I asked to marry me, the woman who I asked to raise my children. I know the future will be tough, but I need to keep my spirits high and I must keep an open mind. I need to understand things that maybe my brain, and heart don't want to; I need to listen, and I need to talk. I need to understand that she is my wife and that I need to let her talk. I know she has made mistakes, and they have hurt me, but we are human.
As Christmas winds down, I think of all the Christmas memories we have together and I smile. The present and the future can't change the past and that will always be there. I don't know how I feel about that, but I know the past will be painful, thinking about it, remembering, for me and for her. But our pasts are what make us who we are today and we need to embrace it. Our futures are defined largely by our pasts, by what happened, but most of all by how we use those experiences, memories, to move forward. Never forget that God loves all of us, regardless of our mistakes. Merry Christmas everyone, may all the blessings in the world be with you and your loved ones; I know those blessings are with me today.
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