It is amazing how life works and how we learn so many things in these times of incredible pain, we learn so many things about ourselves. I've gone through so much in these past few weeks, as you know, so much pain, deceit, confusion, emotional stress, but I have yet to be angry. And I mean that honestly, I haven't had feelings of anger towards my wife, not once; yes, I will accept that I have lost it at times and I might have cursed, maybe a few times, but not once have I felt anger, true inner anger towards her. I really don't know why, and I feel like maybe I should, after all she has chosen to do this, do this to me. I know she feels she is doing this for herself, because she needs to and wants to, but she doesn't seem to understand that when you make the decision to marry someone, all your actions will always affect your other half. But going back to anger, why can't I be angry at her, tell her to take a hike, for all I know she has already checked out. But I guess it is not in my nature to be like that, I love her, still, and maybe I am just better than that; a better person maybe? I don't know that, and I will be the first to say that we are all the same, in the end, but I also have always believed there are only two types of people in this world, the educated and the uneducated. And I don't only mean that literally, because education goes far beyond school and most importantly starts at home, with principles and character building, boundaries. My wife and I, the educated live a life of principle and good character, can tell right from wrong if you will, understand the difference between the two. The uneducated, well, you can figure that out yourselves. Has something changed in her? I don't know, and I sure hope not.
Why do people do things they know are wrong? Why does someone pursue a married person, when they know that goes against everything life stands for, when they know they are breaking up a marriage, hurting others, hurting innocent people. Why are people so selfish and so arrogant, that they believe their happiness is above anything and everything in this world? I mean, seriously? I know I am starting to sound angry, but realize that I write this with a smile on my face, an honest feeling of peace. I feel so bad for my wife, I really do and I will keep saying it. It is just painful to watch all this happen, she seems to have lost all common sense, all clear thinking; and it honestly breaks my heart. But I also know I can't get angry at her because if I let her anger me, I let her conquer me. I will take control of my life and move it forward, I will not let anyone drag me down. Anger is poison to our souls, it eats us from the inside, and it kills us eventually, it kills our spirit.
I think about this person my wife has told me about, someone she might have feelings for, feelings she feels she needs to explore and I think, what can I say to him, or them, what can I do. Should I do something, say something? When I think about it now, absolutely not! I once read that we should never contend with someone who has nothing to lose; I am the only with something to lose, all to lose here and he has all to win, he's playing with house money if you will. I have told my wife, I will not, under any circumstance, compete with someone else for her; I asked her to marry me, and that should be all she needs. But it is not and that's why we are here today, writing, and reading this blog, my thoughts and feelings. She continues to make bad choices, but the pain will subside, I know that, all pain does, and it really has for the most part already. No one can make you feel guilty if you have nothing to feel guilty of. I said a few days back, a clean conscience is what keeps us sane and peaceful, it's what keeps us from feeling guilty. Guilt is us punishing ourselves before God doesn't; and yes, I said doesn't, because God doesn't punish us; he loves us all.
After all, I know I must stay calm when I speak, and I know that is something I am working on, but I also feel that I am entitled to answers and I need to hear them, this is my life as well. I once heard that holding on to anger is much like holding on to a hot piece of coal that you are waiting to throw at someone, in the end, we are the only ones who will get burned. We need to learn compassion for others, forgiveness for those who need our forgiveness, those who are lost. This is my case, that is my reality. By forgiving I am choosing to be the bigger person, the responsible one, the better person. Someone told me last night that my loving kindness has not wilted, that I am already winning with my ability to endear people to me and that I must keep shining. That is the person I choose to be every day when I wake up. I choose to be a good person, to think of others and to not have feelings of hate, spite or anything that stains my heart. Gandhi once said that anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding. I need to realize that I need to be calm, because nothing is gained from angry discussions. I now need to focus on what tomorrow will bring, what the seasons will bring; but always remember that anything that starts with anger, with spite, ends in shame.
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