All along I have been talking about me and my wife and all that is going on in my life, and with reason. After all, all the pain and suffering I have been going through have been caused by that, all my wife's actions and words have led me to this. What she has done to me is the only reason why I stated writing this blog. But now I feel better, truly better, inside. And I have been asking myself, why? How is it possible for me to be this calm, this soon; after such an incredibly painful event, something that has changed my life as I know it today. I keep saying that I am a better person, that I have values, principles, that I know right from wrong. I said yesterday that, even though I could go out and do whatever I wanted during this time, I don't and that is because I don't think it is right, it goes against what I stand for, my morals.
And then I thought, how did I get to be the person I am today? How am I able to react to such a painful event, in such a calm way? Don't get me wrong, I have cried, and gone through hell in the past weeks, but now, now I am calm, at ease. Am I in complete denial of what is happening? I also wrote a few days back that I can't find it inside me to be angry at her, but why? All in all, why do I feel the way I feel today? I know that it is because of my values, my morals, the principles I was raised by. And I have no one to thank but my mom. She made me the man I am today, and I will never forget that. You have to understand that my mom is an incredible woman, a woman with very strong character, caring, loving and with incredible values; simply a good person at heart. I know I get my values and morals from her, because she always taught us to be better people, always try to help others and most of all stay humble. The title of this post comes from something Lincoln said, and I feel it applies to me too. I am the man I am today because of her. Not only because of the things she taught me, a strong moral foundation, principles, boundaries, understanding right from wrong, but also because of what I saw her do while we were growing up. Our childhood wasn't the most stable and it wasn't normal, per say, but I saw her fight, fight for herself and fight for her children. I saw her sacrifice so much for us, my brother and I, that I really learned from a young age, that we need to sacrifice for those we love, for those who need us. She did it for us and I know I have to do it for my family. I am much like her, in character and values of life, and I would not change that for anything.
All through this process a lot of people have helped me; family, friends, people I have randomly met; I have talked to people from all walks of life, believe me, and they all have had very insightful advice, very wise words. But there is no advice like that from your mother. And I think that is because it is not so much advice as it is encouragement and truth. It is reassuring to know that your mom is there behind you, that she supports you and that she, of all people, believes you are doing the right thing. But she is also honest with me, and tells me the things that maybe I don't want to hear, but I need to. I know that even when I get mad at her, because she goes on and on about things I just don't want to hear, I listen to her, and I appreciate her honesty. I think that is what separates my wife and I in this process. I am willing to talk to those people who I know love me and have my best interest in life, because they know me, they know who I am and they want to see me succeed. These are the people who tell me the truth and don't really care how I take it. They know I need to hear the truth. On the other hand, my wife seems to do the opposite. She has been ignoring, if you will, all those people who know and love her the most, and spending time talking to people who have no idea who she is as a person, who to be honest, don't really care what happens to her in the long run. But the reason, in my opinion, is that she is scared of the truth, she is scared of what those few people will say to her, she knows it won't be pretty. BUt those are her choices and there is nothing I can do about them, I need to respect them.
This is still a hard process to go through, and I know I have to go through all the stages. But my mom has been there for every stage, to help me, to talk when I need to talk, or to simply give me the space I need. She understands what I am going through, very well and I think that has helped me even more. It is still hard to accept that it will all be OK, even when I know it will. I mean, my world came crumbling down in front of my eyes and my hands were tied behind my back. As I find more things out, I continue to grieve, but it helps me, it helps to know the truth, even if I have to find out on my own. Every day I feel I get better, I find more inner peace and I start to see glimpses of what the future might bring for me. It excites me, to be honest, and I know that future holds a lot of uncertainty, but I feel I do know one thing; I know that regardless of what happens, regardless of what choice I make, how I choose to move on and with who, I know my mom will be there, by my side, supporting me all the way. Thanks mom, I love you!
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