The title might be misleading, and of course I have no plans to fight any dragons anytime soon! I would first have to manage to find one! But today I wanted to write something about our wedding rings and what they really mean. Fighting Dragons has meaning to us, because it is what we were planning on getting engraved inside our wedding rings; one would say "Fighting" and the other one would have "Dragons". This stems from Taylor Swift's song "Long Live", where she talks about, just that, a long life together and how we would go to any length to stay together, even fighting dragons. It is of course a metaphor for going to any length to fight for the marriage, to fight for what you believe to be so important in your life, to fight for that person who you believe is the one for you. I think something that I have had trouble understanding so far as you know, is the why of all this. Why is my wife not willing to fight for this marriage, why is she not willing to fight dragons with me? I don't know and I think what's done is done, and the reason, as the days go by, becomes more and more irrelevant. Yes, of course I want to know why this happened and how all these happened, but will that change the outcome? I don't think so and it really shouldn't. It is now a matter of making decisions and moving forward. Sometimes when we find ourselves in these situations, we look for anything that will swing things our way, but I honestly don't think that is healthy. In the end, I would love to see my wife come back, everyone knows that, and yes even after all that has happened, I really would; at least right now that's how I feel! I might be crazy, but to me that commitment is that important and sacred. But if she ever decides to come back, I want it to be for the right reasons, I want it to be because that is what she wants to do, from her heart. Like I said earlier, I think what hurts the most, of all things, is that my wife has not been willing to fight for this. I don't know why; did she just get tired and said the hell with everything? But even then, doesn't this marriage deserve, at the very least, a fight, to the death? I do and I continue to fight. As I told someone, I am still in this marriage, even if I am in it by myself. I will continue to be until someone tells me otherwise. I just hope that it is my wife who tells me otherwise and I don't have to find out any other way.
Getting back to wedding rings, when my wife decided she wanted to leave our home, I had to ask for her ring back, I just had to; you might know this already. It pained me so much to do so, it really did, but I had no choice. It is probably the hardest thing I've had to do so far, honestly. But she was quitting the marriage, for the time being at least, and she couldn't keep that ring on, it would be fake, it would symbolize something she did not currently believe in. That is my Grandmother's wedding ring and it has a lot of sentimental value to me; it just wouldn't be right if she had kept it. On the other hand, I struggled on what to do with mine. The day she left, I took it off, I think out of spite, I felt so down that I wanted nothing to do with it. Then I put it back on, then took it off again... Then the next day a friend asked me why I wasn't wearing it, and after my explanation, she simply told me, "go home and put your wedding ring back on". The reason, she told me, as long as you are in this marriage, even if you are by yourself, you should wear your ring. Our wedding rings symbolize the never-ending love we have for each other, it symbolizes the union we have with someone, a commitment. And I agree with her, because like I said earlier, I am still committed to this marriage, and it saddens me that I am alone in it. I think that sometimes we forget about what we have, we take it for granted and we need to be reminded of it, we need to remember the details, the little things we both have forgotten, and we can only hope that it is not too late when we do. It is such an empty feeling, so empty, when you lay in bed, alone, and don't know where you wife is. It is a horrible feeling, it consumes you inside. As much as I am moving on with my life, trying to make the best of it, it is unnatural to go through this.
I wish it all could change, I wish she would come back and lay in bed with me, where she belongs; I wish she would put her wedding ring back on. But I know I can't force things, and I don't want to; nothing good will come of it. Whatever happens will happen and I will have to learn to deal with it. In marriage we should be prepared for 4 rings; the engagement ring, the wedding ring, suffering and enduring. I am currently suffering and trying to endure and I hope my wife can join me. But if you really think about it, we sometimes have a false idea of what marriage is; marriage is not butterflies, it's not laughs all day every day, is not a constant feeling of craziness; marriage is tough, it is a struggle, it is a never ending fight for love, it is a fight for a person you have a deep love for, respect and a true love for. I hope it all works out for the best, whatever that means, I honestly do; I hope that one day these rings can read "Fighting Dragons"...
No comments:
Post a Comment